not sure

I am really sad to read your story. At the moment I am the receiver of care during a major crash with GAD. I feel as if I am destroying all of my relationships with those who are closest to me but it is very difficult watch because I do not know if it is a side affect, withdrawal from medication or the new me. My mum in particular has taken against me and is very brutal in he reactions. I do not feel as if our relationship will ever be the same.

What I do know is that this person you have been dealing so closely with has not intended this outcome. Anger is very prevelant when I am at the high of my anxiety but I do not feel that it is the true me and it is not something I can control.

The easiest way for this person to cope right now is anger. They are angry this has happened to them, angry that the relationship has ended because of behaviour they struggle to manage/control, angry at you for giving up on them and angry at the world in general for dealing them this really cruel hand.

I know how hard it must be for you and it is helpful to see things posted on here from the other side, from the ones that suddenly have to deal with a person that present very differently. 

I hope in time they reach full recovery and I am sure they will be very sad about what has happened. Perhaps then you will be able to reach a level of interaction (friends etc) that means you can both be the postives to each other that you once were but at the moment that will seem impossible to both parties.

Sorry again to hear that you couldn't make it work as a partnership.

I will do my best.

Yes it is totally true that sometimes as I actually say something I think wooahh where the heck did that come from but I am so angry I cannot calm down and take it back. Sometimes I do not know that I have been irrationally angry. They are both definitely the medication, either getting use to it or withdrawal. (Well I am as certain as I can be while I am getting to grips with recovery from another crash.)

But ..... I also know that anxiety does awful things to your thoughts. An example would be talking to my brother in floods of tears on the stairs at my parents. Me 'My whole life has been taken away, everything is gone, I have nothing left' - a really negative train of thought! Bro 'But its all still here, you still have Chris and your job and your family, you are just in such a bad place you cannot see it' - pretty wise for a younger bro! He was spot on, I couldnt see it because my brain was lost and couldn't function at work or be the funny, happy girlfriend, daughter etc. Because I couldnt be me right here right now, my illness was taking me straight to the worst and most darkest thought.

The same with anger. Mum will say ...... do you remember when you said 'xxxxxx' and I am genuinely blank.

Obviously none of these emotions are simple but to keep sane I have to search deep inside and say this is me vs this isnt me. The other day I read a diary I kept two years ago and I compared to one I wrote two months ago. I got the shock of my life, in my crisis two years ago I had written exactly the same thing. I genuinely never thought I had had that specific line of thought before but here it was in my own hand writing - it was seriously odd to read it.

It might be because the lows are so so unbareable that you literally block as much out as possible. That is quite a common thing across human experience I think. People rarely remember every detail of a horrendous car crash but they were conscious according to their medical notes. Good example - the other day I read a transcript to my friend that the nurses had written while she had given birth about needing the loo, need pain relief and describing her pain. She was in fits of giggles saying I never said that and her hubby is sitting there saying yes you did. 

Your body blocks things out to cope. Usually mine is just my own pain but anger related to a recent drug withdrawal is everyone elses pain which is so much harder because I wont ever be able to forget it.

The thing about me is that I am quite coherent with describing my thoughts and eloquent compared to many many people in crisis. I have actually said to a psycharist - dont you be measuring me on how well I am talking to you or how much eye contact I am making.  Most people with chronic anxiety dont usually do these things well but just because I can do them do not think I am not really really struggling here. 

A month ago I would be unable to type or talk unless asked a direct question. Then out it poured all polite and pleasant. I came out of my appointment thinking 'for godsake Lizzie they think you are normal again - well done' then got into bed and didnt get back out (other than to pee) for three days crying and sweating, staying safe in the dark with my dog.

What I am saying is your partner may not be able to tell you this, they might have such a scrambled head that they cannot even know whether this is also true for them. When you struggle to cope why not substitute GAD with another disorder.

A was very close to someone with an aggressive brain tumour. I went in one day and cups, pillows, pencils were flying everywhere. He was hopping mad, shouting and blaring and swearing. I said what the hell is wrong and he said (no word of a lie(!)) someone has turned the room around, the door used to be there and the window was over there, the buggers have come in an' done it while I was sleeping. I told him he had been moved rooms while he was asleep but he just wouldn't have it. Now if you stopped and thought rationally about how long it would take to install windows and doors and the noise, dust etc etc. You would know you were mistaken. But his brain was poorly. It didnt get better but mine might. It is just as poorly and confused as the presentation is the same (a confused irrational maniac) but the cause is different.

One last thing, imagine it was kidney disease, everything was ticking along nicely and one day she said, I cant do it, I cant go to that event or get on that plane, or eat that lovely meal because something is wrong, I am relapsing. If this was kidney disease, you would say don't worry my love, its ok, im here, nothing else matters, everything can wait, everyone will understand, you haven't let us down, lets fight this together.

Can you honestly say you would have the same reaction if it was because of an anxiety disorder? You truly have to buy into the fact that this is an illness. I cannot even count the number of times I have been shouted at and told I am ruining everything (especially if I pull out of family meal or something important to people) but you have to appreciate for everyone who is ill, it isnt a choice to pull out or let people down, it just happens and you are as sad, p*ssed off and frustrated as everyone else.

Does that mammoth essay help in any way? It has helped me to write it down so I hope it helps you too.

I have sent a long reply but it has gone for moderation. I think because I wrote peed off but the rude way. I cannot even get to the text which is so annoying because it really helped my explain some things and I wanted to share it with my mum to see if it helped her. If i cant get it back im going to complain.

Hang in there until you get it

I hope that you can see this person without judgement or anger and just as a very sad situation that this illness took so much from you both