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mari34228 mari34228

Not sure if I should be concerned about this...

Please note before reading further, as I don't want to trigger anyone, this is about suicidal thoughts. 

So quick summary of me: have stuggled with anxiety and depression since childhood. Experience what I think are 'cycles' in mood and my way of 'thinking', but doctor doesn't seem concerned about this. Was on mirt for 6 months after a breakdown last October. Started sertraline in Sept for 6 weeks but it was awful. Been on Cit for 6 weeks (2 on 10mg, then up to 20mg) and struggling again, but not as bad as the Sert. Giving it a few more weeks.

Life has been a huge rollercoaster all my adult life (alot to do with things outwith my control), and I've had alot of suicidal thoughts over the years. Nothing acted upon though, and no plans made. I did though take up smoking again for a time, about 3 years ago, as I thought I would give myself cancer and go that way. Seems so ridiculous now!! 

So anyway, it has occured to me recently that I have fleeting thoughts of suicide practically every day. Then now and again I have longer, more in depth thoughts about it. I've mulled over all the ways to do it, and none of them really appeal for one reason or another. But I did think recently that if I had access to a gun (which thankfully I don't!) I most likely wouldn't be here by now. I'm pretty sure about this. The thing that really stops me from doing anything (apart from not really wanting to die) is mostly my children. But I recently concluded that if I had a gun I would just force myself to pull the trigger. It would be quick. No second thoughts. And then I wouldn't exist. So I wouldn't BE worrying about my children anymore, or having thoughts about not seeing them grow up. That sounds so selfish, but there is a cold logic behind it. And I don't think that I would plan it. It would be impulsive. If I had a gun I would have just done it and be 'done' with life.

I was at the Doc yesterday and apparently psych think I'm not bad enough to see them so I'm to refer myself for counselling instead. I didn't tell her about these thoughts. She seems to think the Cit and talking therapy will help me. Maybe it will. I don't know. I feel so lost and that everything is out of control. I still have a huge amount of stress in my life as my kids both have problems, my Dad is depressed at the moment and my mum is permanently depressed anyway and a constant strain on my emotions. I'm not coping and I'm not sure how long I can go on like this.

The doctor told me yesterday that I was 'strong' as I had made it this far in life (40 now), but that was just about the worst thing she could have said. My ex was always saying that to me, even while he lied and cheated and spent all our money, and dragged as from one place to another etc, and when I went to the Doc in September I told her I was so tired of fighting. Of having to keep going. That I had 'nothing' left. All my emotional/mental even physical reserves were used up.

I'm tired tired tired. The pills and having to wait for couselling just seems to be taking too long. I don't know how much longer I can keep 'trying'. I'm tired of nodding my head at her, and smiling and saying 'yes I know, blah blah blah'. I just wanted to scream at her yesterday. But I didn't. I was my usual polite, lovely self.

I'm now feeling at the point again that I can't do this. I don't know if I should be worried by these thoughts. I'm scared I might get to the point where they do become more 'active'. I'm just so damn tired.


15 Replies

  • el_shiz el_shiz mari34228

    You can do this. The talking therapy and meds should help. If you feel that you should see a psych then go back to your doctor and ask again, even to get the refered to local mental health team. Are you in UK?

    • mari34228 mari34228 el_shiz

      Hi, yes I'm in the UK. My doctor is really nice but I feel like I'm failing to get over to her just how very bad things have been in the past. I know she is trying to help me to be positive and to keep going, it's just that I really don't feel like I have the energy anymore. I've 'kept going' for over 10 years now, as things started to go to absolute hell around then. It's just been one thing after another. And a good number of those have been pretty major things. I haven't had a single year in all that time which had any significant length of being 'settled'. Upset after upset. I feel completely worn out.

      Sorry, I've rattled on again. Thanks for replying.

    • declan 41062 declan 41062 mari34228

      the one think i was told in recent time by my brother when i was talking to him about how ridicilous i feel about the things that are going on in my head was that they arent ridicilous if they are bothering me ,u aint rattling on id say be direct and honest wit ur counsellor about wat thoughts are going thru ur head ,it will prob b hard but its a first step if dats any help

    • stevo1975 stevo1975 mari34228

      Mari never apologise for asking for help!! It sounds like there is an in-balancement in your brain like myself, I used to consider suicide and think what it would be like not being around the slight difference for me was that I was a drug user and that really screwed with my thinking I overdosed on purpose once and was revived by my crying father which snapped me out of suicide permanently made me very guilty unfortunately for me that was the long way around! You need medication and some therapy help as you don’t really want to end your life your just very confused! When I started getting anxiety I would have racing thoughts harming people all kinds of scary stuff! and once on citalopram everything eventually levelled out and now I'm happy. Give the citalopram a good go it takes a while for the chemicals to increase the serotonin and that will relieve the thoughts.

      Stay online keep us updated on how things are going wink  


    • mari34228 mari34228 declan 41062

      Hi Declan, yes I'm terrible at dismissing my own feelings and trying to persuade myself I'm fine, when I'm not. I don't know how I am perfectly able to take other peoples problems seriously but am always trying to deny my own.

    • mari34228 mari34228 stevo1975

      Thank you Stevo. I suppose I am still sceptical at the moment that the Cit will help. If anything I think I'm feeling worse than I did before I started them! I have a enough for another 5 weeks, so I will stick it out and see. I'm just feeling impatient for something to change. I'm so bloody tired of feeling like this.

    • declan 41062 declan 41062 mari34228

      i tink the whole thing with either depression and anxiety is having a very negative self image and in my limited experince it is the first thing to try and correct, hang in there ,there are plenty of helpful people on this forum that have dealt wit and know exactly wat ur going thru ,give it time and things will get better


  • Digsby Digsby mari34228

    Hi Mari,

    Just wanted to thank you for your brave and sensitive post. I'm 15 months into my latest (and longest) battle with suicidal depression and I've given up on two meds now. I can say that Citalopram has helped me twice in the past so I hope that it starts to work for you soon. I think many of us reading your words can relate to the feeling. Unfortunately, life has no "pause" button which is often what we need to recharge our batteries, reassess our situation, tackle some problems that have attacked us all at once or just wait for things to change/improve. The lack of a "pause" button can lead us to reach for the "self-destruct" switch out of a sense of desperation and lack of options. It really does seem like the most logical step sometimes. Of course, the problem is it's using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. But if we had the means, many of us would feel the urge, like you, to reach for the gun. Whenever I've stared at my own mortality through tear-streaked eyes and thought "This is the end", I've always been grateful for a brand new day. Things weren't suddenly better but I had another opportunity to try and make things better for myself or help someone else and make a difference in their life. I know how distressing these thoughts can be, especially when they start to feel like a comfortable and logical alternative (or the only way forward). I would recommend that you be as honest about these thoughts with your health advisers as you can be. It's OK to wear our mask to the outside world but sometimes it's ok to be brutally honest and let our true feelings out. This is especially true if we're able to put our fragile trust in someone we believe will help to find the best possible treatment for us. Giving them all the facts is usually the best way forward. My contact with the CMHT has revealed to me that patients receive different levels of therapy and group support depending on how they are perceived by their care providers so being honest is probably best. I think you would benefit from 1-2-1 therapy and a support group. Do you think your GP could arrange this for you? I hope this might be available where you are in Scotland. You are an amazing lady! I admire the strength that you have shown as a caregiver to your children and parents. Is there any chance of some respite - can your ex do something useful to contribute to your children's care? Do you have any other family members who could help out with your folks? When life overwhelms me and the thoughts are darkest, I try just to focus on getting through the next day (or sometimes just the next hour). You are doing the best you can and I know how tiring it can get. I wish I could do something to help, I really do. Please let us know how you get on with the meds. One day at a time and you will get there :-)

    BIG hug xx

    • mari34228 mari34228 Digsby

      Thank you so much Digsby. I've just cried my eyes out after reading your reply. Often it feels like nobody really 'gets' how I am feeling, but reading your post, you understand exactly. And thank you so much for your kind words. I don't feel 'amazing', but it was nice of you to say!

      I'm finding it so hard to see a way through it this time. Even when I've been very low before, there has always been some teeny tiny bit of hope that things might change. So I've dragged myself on from day to day, hour to hour. But I've been failing to find it this time. That's what is worrying me the most. I met my ex quite young and was with him for 20 years. As bad as our relationship was I am ashamed to say I hid behind it all that time. It was also easier when we lived in England for a number of years, but we came back home over two years ago, so I can't avoid contact with friends and family anymore when I'm not feeling like it (at least, not without them noticing). So I'm finding it increasingly difficult to 'pretend'. I find it so hard to give up 'control', to let people help me. When I 'broke' over a year ago when ex-hubby left, I got so angry with my parents and mother-in-law (who was a huge support) that I was shouting at them. I would NEVER do that normally. But I wasn't really angry at them. I was angry that I had to admit defeat and relinquish control. And also I've never felt like my feelings are valid, if that makes any sense. 

      I've had to self-refer myself for counselling, so I did that yesterday. It will be a 6-8 week wait though apparently. My ex takes the children alternate weekends, but things are very tense between us and we are in the process of the divorce, so I am loathe to ask him for any extra help. That's another worry for me. He isn't someone who understands mental illness. He might have sympathy, but he doesn't get that it is a proper illness. I've been worried that if I completely 'collapse', he might think I'm not capable of looking after them.

      As for my parent's. My Dad is married but he has been through a huge bereavement recently and there is at least one other that is certain to come within the next year . He does so much for all his relations, and he hasn't been himself recently. (He has spoken to his Doc though.) He tried to kill himself around 20 years ago (he doesn't know that I know), and I'm so worried he is headed for another breakdown. As for my Mum, well she really only has me and her sister (but they don't get on).

      I'm crumbling. Both my children are crumbling. Everything is falling apart.

      Can I ask you another question Digsby? Can you tell me how it is possible to have had a coffee and a laugh with my mum yesterday and still feel like this? I've never understood how that can be. I mean, I was genuinely laughing at one point as our conversation had poured over into silliness, yet I still had this chronic pain inside me.

      I appear to have 'gone on' again. Thank you again for your reply. It means alot.  I'm sorry you are struggling yourself just now. I hope you can find a medication that will work for you this time.

      Lots of love to you, Mari xxx


    • Digsby Digsby

      Sorry Mari, I didn't mean to have quite that effect on you :-(

      There's a big difference between sympathy and empathy and you know that your friends on this forum can empathise with how you are feeling. It's a shame we can feel so distant when it would be so handy if we could all get together in a big room and have a cup of tea and a chat :-) Nevertheless, we are here night and day to listen and to offer support to one another. I know the forums have been a lifeline for me over the past year. As a mother and care-giver the mask you wear to cover your depression has had to be a particularly effective one. Depression has a way of of distorting the person we are and sometimes we don't recognise the person we have become; it makes us behave completely out of character and this can shock our selves as much as those we love. There's often a mismatch between what is going on externally and the emotional turmoil that is happening inside. I think it is possible to genuinely enjoy an experience (and maybe even have a laugh) but for it not to penetrate deep down into our depressive state. It doesn't negate the positive experience we've had at all and it shouldn't stop us from seeking out enjoyment and company. But it's like a few precious drops of water in a parched desert - the dry ground needs a lot more water to revive the dormant life beneath. I hope that doesn't paint too bleak a picture. It's hard to make these positive experiences a habit because they can take so much energy out of us. That's what people who have never experienced depression first-hand can never really get. I've been through a divorce at the end of a 20-year marriage so I know what it is like. Fortunately there were no children involved (as both me and my ex-wife were allergic to them!) I do admire your strength being a Mum to your children at this time. Please remember that you are not your depression - it doesn't ever have to define you. We fight a daily battle to ensure that we have it but it doesn't have us ;-) One day this unwelcome house-guest in our heads will have packed its bags and moved on. Unfortunately, our will-power won't eject it. Be honest with those around you - you don't have to give up control to others - just let them know what's going on inside your head. My depression has taught me a lot about myself and about other people, those closest to me. I'm always thinking that my feelings are not being validated by others (which is particularly annoying when we are compassionate caring people who strive to validate other's feelings). However, there's no law that enforces the common decency that others should treat you the same way that you treat them so sometimes we have to make sure that we validate our own feelings, accept them for what they are and meet our own needs (if others can't). I can't imagine how busy your days must be but it is pretty important for you to take some time just for yourself as often as you can. A therapist might call it self-care and of course it's that principle of putting on your own oxygen-mask in an emergency so that you can be in a fit state to help someone else with their's. I think you've been fitting oxygen-masks on others for a long long time but have probably been neglecting yourself. Please don't neglect yourself and your own needs anymore. I'm sorry that there seems no hope at the moment - that's when we're tempted most to give up and our thoughts are at their darkest. But there is always hope. If you can't see long-term into the future and making positive plans is difficult, then just keep going hour to hour and day to day. I hope any more tears that you cry are cathartic ones that release your pain and can make you feel better. Remember that you always have your "online" family and we love you :-)

      Big hug xx

    • mari34228 mari34228 Digsby

      Oh, no, don't apologise please! Ok, so they might not have been tears of joy but I just felt relief (that isn't quite the right word but I can't think, so it'll have to do) that someone understood. I mean I know that people on here DO understand, it was the fact that you were saying it to me directly that made the difference. Like I said, I have a very hard time acknowledging that how I'm feeling is 'real' and that I can't just brush it off. Somehow I think other's perceptions of me don't actually help with that! They only get to see the Dr Jekyll, but Mr(s) Hyde is very much in there and I wish to god (s)he would go away. You are spot on when you say that we can become someone we don't recognise as being us. I can't stand the snarling short tempered shouty woman that takes me over. I'm not a 'good' mum all the time :-(

      Anyway, thanks again for your kind words and best wishes to you. xx

    • stevo1975 stevo1975 Digsby

      Digsby, What a wonderful way to put it !!! not to mention accurate its a amzing how we all understand how the other feels not even knowing them yet our closest ad dearest are in the dark about depression, my wife asked me if I was ok the other night and I said yeah I'm great even though I wasnt 100% great just a small set of bad waves washing in...... after a while the water cleared and i was ok again. that kinda how I think of anxiety or depression you get some tough waves and then some good ones but they always settle soon enough! The very analogy is how I keep faith things are gonna be ok! Hang in there people we are all winning the race and growing stronger by the day smile

  • hypercat hypercat mari34228

    Hi I do relate very much to what you are saying.  My doctor has asked me if I had a suicide plan and I said no coz I don't.   But I am like you - I would do it on impulse rather than plan it out.   This doesn't seem to count for severity though.  

    The other things she considers are the means of doing it.  I don't have the means but do find myself fascinated by things I read of that I didn't know were poisonous...  x

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