Please note before reading further, as I don't want to trigger anyone, this is about suicidal thoughts.
So quick summary of me: have stuggled with anxiety and depression since childhood. Experience what I think are 'cycles' in mood and my way of 'thinking', but doctor doesn't seem concerned about this. Was on mirt for 6 months after a breakdown last October. Started sertraline in Sept for 6 weeks but it was awful. Been on Cit for 6 weeks (2 on 10mg, then up to 20mg) and struggling again, but not as bad as the Sert. Giving it a few more weeks.
Life has been a huge rollercoaster all my adult life (alot to do with things outwith my control), and I've had alot of suicidal thoughts over the years. Nothing acted upon though, and no plans made. I did though take up smoking again for a time, about 3 years ago, as I thought I would give myself cancer and go that way. Seems so ridiculous now!!
So anyway, it has occured to me recently that I have fleeting thoughts of suicide practically every day. Then now and again I have longer, more in depth thoughts about it. I've mulled over all the ways to do it, and none of them really appeal for one reason or another. But I did think recently that if I had access to a gun (which thankfully I don't!) I most likely wouldn't be here by now. I'm pretty sure about this. The thing that really stops me from doing anything (apart from not really wanting to die) is mostly my children. But I recently concluded that if I had a gun I would just force myself to pull the trigger. It would be quick. No second thoughts. And then I wouldn't exist. So I wouldn't BE worrying about my children anymore, or having thoughts about not seeing them grow up. That sounds so selfish, but there is a cold logic behind it. And I don't think that I would plan it. It would be impulsive. If I had a gun I would have just done it and be 'done' with life.
I was at the Doc yesterday and apparently psych think I'm not bad enough to see them so I'm to refer myself for counselling instead. I didn't tell her about these thoughts. She seems to think the Cit and talking therapy will help me. Maybe it will. I don't know. I feel so lost and that everything is out of control. I still have a huge amount of stress in my life as my kids both have problems, my Dad is depressed at the moment and my mum is permanently depressed anyway and a constant strain on my emotions. I'm not coping and I'm not sure how long I can go on like this.
The doctor told me yesterday that I was 'strong' as I had made it this far in life (40 now), but that was just about the worst thing she could have said. My ex was always saying that to me, even while he lied and cheated and spent all our money, and dragged as from one place to another etc, and when I went to the Doc in September I told her I was so tired of fighting. Of having to keep going. That I had 'nothing' left. All my emotional/mental even physical reserves were used up.
I'm tired tired tired. The pills and having to wait for couselling just seems to be taking too long. I don't know how much longer I can keep 'trying'. I'm tired of nodding my head at her, and smiling and saying 'yes I know, blah blah blah'. I just wanted to scream at her yesterday. But I didn't. I was my usual polite, lovely self.
I'm now feeling at the point again that I can't do this. I don't know if I should be worried by these thoughts. I'm scared I might get to the point where they do become more 'active'. I'm just so damn tired.