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I'm really really sorry if this is the wrong board, but I really want to get some insight on how I'm feeling? I want to explain, but it's a little messy, and I'm sorry about that
I guess I should offer some background on who "I" actually am. I'm 17, turning 18. Just started college. Don't have a job, never did. Was never really involved in clubs and social activities, but I do have a group of friends I enjoy hanging out with. My grades are average. I used to be a F to B student in 6th grade, but now I'm more of a B or C student.
I'm so sorry if this is confusing to read, I'm really just typing out my thoughts as they come
Since elementary, I've been more of the socially awkward/loner type. I always befriended the "weird" kids. I used to be a chatterbox (and I still am if I get excited) and I apparently have a very good imagination.
Ever since middle school, the thought of ending my life has constantly crossed my mind. I don't like to think of it as suicide. I'd rather see it as a way to stop the noise or just pull the plug when there's nothing left to look forward to. The only thing that really holds me back is the fact that my parents have pinned their hopes and dreams on me, and if I'm gone, I'm sure my younger brother (he is 6 and is mildly autistic) can't do what they have expected me to do. I don't want their dreams to just shatter; I don't want to see their hardwork just go to waste because I couldn't control my thoughts. The fuel that keeps me going is, really, my family, even though I'm sure they are also the source of my insecurity and social awkwardness.
For awhile now, I've been doubting myself more and more to the point where I'd rather give myself to the afterlife than continue living. I've been told by my parents that I care too much about the opinions of others, but I feel like the opinions of others are extremely important? I don't think I ever take what people say to heart, but their words always linger in the back of my mind, as if they were there to remind me not to eat too much because I'm gaining weight, or that I shouldn't worry about my appearance because everyone looks different.
Does... that make sense?
I feel like I'm begining to lose myself. I have no idea whether or not my concepts or ideals are considered acceptable or not, or whether I'm annoying or just friendly, or if I should talk more or talk less. I don't want to admit that I'm letting myself get dictated by society because I feel as if that's a selfish thing to say. What if people are just giving me constructive critisism? What if I'm just that puzzle piece that doesn't fit, and people are helping me fit by carving my edges and taping on little scraps to create new sides? Wouldn't saying that they are dictating me just making their attempts to help me seem negative?
Sometimes, I find a word or two spoken to me by a friend or a stranger sticking in my mind long after they are said. If it's negative, I notice that I distance myself from the speaker and occassionally become overwhelmed by a feeling of sadness and.... I guess pain? If it's positive, my ego is instantly inflated. When I realize I feel these things, I start to dislike my own thoughts because they seem so concieted and self-centered. Many times I find myself sobbing to myself because I start to feel alone. My heart hurts, I start to feel tired, I distance myself from friends. Then, when the feelings have been remedied by a day or two of isolation and music, I crawl back to society and continue as if nothing ever happened. I'm sure it happens to everyone though; when you're alone, it's like those negative thoughts just creep up on you.
When I type it out, it seems like my problems are really just me being dramatic. I'm sure there are better things to be slaving over in the world. But I hate feeling as if I hate myself. I think it's just me being sensitive about my appearance to those around me and that It's something that can be easily resolved. But then why can't I fix it? I try to keep looking at the positive side of life, but really, what was once a stretch of green is now yellowing and dying. I'm running out of positive things to think about. I know I have a roof over my head, 3 square meals a day, and generally a life I should be grateful for, but then why aren't I? I don't understand why I constantly feel the need to run away from my own life, when there's nothing really trapping me other than myself.
I constantly tell myself, "You'll understand when you're older." But then why is it that when I finally grasp one concept, a new one pops up? I wish there was an all-knowing being that I could just talk to for a day. I hate that I've become one of the "edgy, unmotivated, and stupid" teenagers I once thought were just immature and narrow-minded.
To be honest, I think I'm off track now. What was I even looking for?
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