Not sure what to do??

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My partner (been together 20 yrs this yr) is a big binge drinker. He works 12 hr day and night shifts. When he goes from days to nights which is every week or so he will stay up all night drinking rum and coke. Often going to bed at 5am and sleeping through until the late afternoon. Also when he is on rest days he will drink most nights but not the same quantity as when he goes from day to night shifts. He has done this for yrs!!! Often getting through a whole bottle of rum in a big binge. I have tried speaking to him until I'm blue in the face but he just won't stop or cut down. Today when he got up he complained he had a really painful headache (which he v rarely gets even after drinking alot). He looked deathly white and after taking some pain killers vomited vast amounts. I am so worried that this is the start of his health seriously deteriorating. I just don't know what to do? We have a 4 yr old together. He should want to stop or cut down for us but I cannot get through to him. My family are 4 hrs away by car... Spoke to my mum tonight who said he needs to be told that you are not prepared to watch him kill himself. He needs to be shocked by something... Me giving a serious ultimatum. Or getting some kind of blood test to see what state his liver is in. Help.

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    I'm sorry you're going through this. Whether you stay or go is something only you can decide. As he doesn't want to stop the outlook is bleak I'm afraid. I'm not sure how he manages to even work. It doesn't take an expert that his health will be seriously impacted. He doesn't listen not because he doesn't care or is a horrible person but because the addiction is too strong. He would probably even tell you he doesn't have a problem and he will believe that himself.

    Most alcoholics do eventually realise they have a problem and want to stop but there is no saying when that will be and it isn't easy.

    I recommend you contact Al Anon who give support and advice to people in your situation. I have heard good things about them. Good luck and look after yourself also

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for your kind reply daisyjo. He is such a kind, wonderful person and an amazing dad. It truly is heartbreaking. I just worry so much about the future. I will give Al Anon a ring to see what they advise. I will also try speaking to him again. He is only 44!!

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  • Posted

    It will be hard if he does not recognise he has a problem. I spent 10 years convinced I didn't, even while drinking up to a litre of vodka a day.

    My personal advice (which my not be helpful at all) would be to not pressure him to much (that, personally, led me to drink more and keep it more secret), maybe try baby steps for now such as getting him a drink diary (can download for free on drinkaware).

    Maybe tell him to book a doctors appointment, they can prescribe tables such as baclofen, or download the 'one little pill' personally this didn't work for me but everyone is completly different.

    Best of luck to both of you (don't give up on him to easy, it's a horrible addiction and, at the time, you don't realise how many people u are hurting) xx

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply Gill. It's so difficult and it's been playing on my mind all night and first thing this morning. Keep playing scenarios in my head. We go on holiday to Egypt on the 9th Feb and although I'm looking forward to it a part of me is also dreading it. I will try and convince him to make a Dr's appointment. What will a Dr do? Will he physically examine his liver (see if its enlarged) and do a blood test?

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    • Posted

      He'll do a blood test. It may well come back normal. The liver can take quite a hammering and give normal results. He'll tell him he needs to cut down I'm sure!

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  • Posted

    Hello Kate. I drank a lot for many years and lost my job although my useless boss stayed on. My wife lost her job and we had twins aged 2 years when i stopped. I had too much to lose! Wanted to see them grow up, live a lovely and health y life. That was 6 years ago and i stopped drinking 31sr December 2012 and never looked back. Show him these replies! Best of luck from Robin

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    • Posted

      Thanks for taking the time to reply Robin. I have had on going health issues mainly caused through stress and the birth of my daughter. Extreme anxiety etc. My partner is not very supportive of me at all but when he was poorly yesterday I was so worried. We have a beautiful house, amazing daughter who we are lucky to have. She was an ivf baby. During the process my partner actually stopped drinking so he can do it!! His sperm actually improved sooo much after not drinking!!! (sorry too much detail). Like you said I just want to live a happy, healthy life. All of us.

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  • Posted

    hi Kate, unfortunately there is very little you can do until your partner accepts the fact that he has a problem with alcohol, you will only make him more defensive and maybe even more secretive about his drinking if you keep mentioning it. it usually takes a major incident or crisis that forces us (alcoholics) to admit, to ourselves that we really do have a problem, if he tries to quit for the wrong reasons, to placate you or others it very rarely lasts. he needs to really want to quit and to want it for himself, perhaps, with luck this illness may speed up this realization , hang in there Kate and keep reaching out for help and support, you must make sure you take care of " You" during this process.

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  • Posted

    Hi kate,

    I feel for you, unfortunetly there is little you can do to him, this may sound wierd but he is not drinking coz he has time. There is some pain or hurt or something (there could be many reasons) that he is using alcohol to self medicate. Often times it may not be obvious to the drinker himself or knows it but does not realise or acknowledge what the problem is. The best you can do to help is dont bug him about drinking just be as nice to him as you can, extra nice, only self guilt can give him a push to become better, guilt infused by your advise is counter productive. Once he himself opens up and gives you an indication that he wants ti change be very supportive and offer (dont push) to get help for him, a good psychiatrist can do wonders, no he is not mad but the problem is in the head and needs an expert to unpack, all the best

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    • Posted

      Hi joltbolt... Thank you for your reply. I'm not sure why he drinks so much. I ask him and he just says because he likes it!! I just worry like I said... Because he can get through almost a whole bottle of rum in one sitting!!! I had words again last night which didn't go down well. He just said that I keep on and on and on about it. I tried to explain that I'm worried about the long term health effects etc. We hardly communicate as a couple which is a bad, bad sign in my opinion. He just always has an excuse when I try and talk to him about things. Like last night when I said about the amount he drinks and how bad it is on his health he just said well so is shift work. Tonight will be a test as he is on day to night shifts. He usually stays up all night drinking and will go to bed at 4/5am!!! I'm totally fed up..... This was the reason why my mum left my dad. Sorry for waffling... Just nice to vent a bit.

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  • Posted

    Honestly speaking i think you need a professional help right now!

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