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i just want to say im only posting this here as i feel like i cant talk to anyone in my life about it and dont really want to go to my GP.
im 90% sure i am suffering with depression but dont want to see my Gp as i dont like sharing my feelings and feel as though if i did get diagnosed with it then im weaker than what i thought i was. also im currently 7 months pregnant and i feel as though im a bad person for feeling so low during this exciting time in mine and my fiance's life.
ill list the reasons why i think im suffering with depression, this is the first time im ever writing this all down in the same place so sorry for the big paragraph!
1- my parents split when we were on holiday when i was 11, my dad was drunk and i dropped a plate and my dad shouted at me which caused my mum to defend me.. the argument got heated and my dad hit my mum. We flew home and their relationship was over, i know its not my fault but i often catch myself thinking to myself " what if i never dropped that plate?"
2 - my mum has been diagnosed with huntingtons disease 5 years ago, its a disease that affects the brain cell's which causes involuntary jerking and twitches, ocd, forgetfulness, depression, a struggle to eat food as she may choke and many other symptoms. It's the worst thing to witness watching her lose herself and become less independant as time passes. The disease is also hereditary and each child she has, has a 50% chance of inheriting it. I have 2 sisters and a brother also, i feel like i cant speak to them about how i feel in case it just puts more onto their plates when they are worried about their own futures and my mums.
3- Even though i love my mum to bits, i hate myself at times for finding myself getting annoyed when im with her, with the disease she repeats herself a lot, interrupts conversation a lot to say something random, obsesses over cleaning the ceilings because shes been told she cant stand on furniture to do it in case she falls, she has no concept now of personal space so if im in the kitchen making her food she will stand right behind me and follow me everywhere including the toilet, she laughs at things she shouldn't as she cant understand and comprehend what is actually being said. like i said i hate myself for getting frustrated and not being as patient as i know i should be when its not her fault she does these things.
4- my fiance, i love him so much and im so excited to be getting married and having a little baby boy with him, but i often feel like i cant talk to him about my mum when i know i should be able to, he says hes there for me and wants me to open up but we are both 24 and sadly he lost his father to cancer in 2016, he went through such a bad time with depression and hes often thanked me for being his rock but to this day i still feel like i have to be the strong one for both of us as he still has bad days now. Ive tried once or twice to talk to him about my mum but each time i have, he brings up his experience with his dads illness and how he got through it, i know hes only trying to help but i almost feel like its a burden to mention my mum as it brings up bad memories for him and also a slight bit of guilt as im bringing up my mum who i can still call and spend time with whereas he cant with his dad.
5- I feel like i have no real friends, i have work friends and friends from previous jobs but not anyone i can truly open up to. i often think, is there something wrong with me? why dont i have really close friends that other people have.
6- My sex drive is really low, it always has been since i lost my virginity.
7- I feel as though i have no ambition, no drive in me to get up and go. I have no idea what i want to do for work ( currently have a job but dont like it ) which terrifies me as im about to have a baby and i question myself on how i could be ready to become a mum when i dont even know what to do with my own life.
8 - my sleeping is terrible, i struggle to get to sleep and when i do it can be for 12 hours +
If anyone has read this and thinks i could be depressed, for one thank you for taking the time to read this and two, i don't like the idea of being on anti depressants. The thought of a tablet literally changing your mind terrifies me. Any advice would be appreciated.
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