Not sure what to do? Am I depressed?
Posted , 9 users are following.
i just want to say im only posting this here as i feel like i cant talk to anyone in my life about it and dont really want to go to my GP.
im 90% sure i am suffering with depression but dont want to see my Gp as i dont like sharing my feelings and feel as though if i did get diagnosed with it then im weaker than what i thought i was. also im currently 7 months pregnant and i feel as though im a bad person for feeling so low during this exciting time in mine and my fiance's life.
ill list the reasons why i think im suffering with depression, this is the first time im ever writing this all down in the same place so sorry for the big paragraph!
1- my parents split when we were on holiday when i was 11, my dad was drunk and i dropped a plate and my dad shouted at me which caused my mum to defend me.. the argument got heated and my dad hit my mum. We flew home and their relationship was over, i know its not my fault but i often catch myself thinking to myself " what if i never dropped that plate?"
2 - my mum has been diagnosed with huntingtons disease 5 years ago, its a disease that affects the brain cell's which causes involuntary jerking and twitches, ocd, forgetfulness, depression, a struggle to eat food as she may choke and many other symptoms. It's the worst thing to witness watching her lose herself and become less independant as time passes. The disease is also hereditary and each child she has, has a 50% chance of inheriting it. I have 2 sisters and a brother also, i feel like i cant speak to them about how i feel in case it just puts more onto their plates when they are worried about their own futures and my mums.
3- Even though i love my mum to bits, i hate myself at times for finding myself getting annoyed when im with her, with the disease she repeats herself a lot, interrupts conversation a lot to say something random, obsesses over cleaning the ceilings because shes been told she cant stand on furniture to do it in case she falls, she has no concept now of personal space so if im in the kitchen making her food she will stand right behind me and follow me everywhere including the toilet, she laughs at things she shouldn't as she cant understand and comprehend what is actually being said. like i said i hate myself for getting frustrated and not being as patient as i know i should be when its not her fault she does these things.
4- my fiance, i love him so much and im so excited to be getting married and having a little baby boy with him, but i often feel like i cant talk to him about my mum when i know i should be able to, he says hes there for me and wants me to open up but we are both 24 and sadly he lost his father to cancer in 2016, he went through such a bad time with depression and hes often thanked me for being his rock but to this day i still feel like i have to be the strong one for both of us as he still has bad days now. Ive tried once or twice to talk to him about my mum but each time i have, he brings up his experience with his dads illness and how he got through it, i know hes only trying to help but i almost feel like its a burden to mention my mum as it brings up bad memories for him and also a slight bit of guilt as im bringing up my mum who i can still call and spend time with whereas he cant with his dad.
5- I feel like i have no real friends, i have work friends and friends from previous jobs but not anyone i can truly open up to. i often think, is there something wrong with me? why dont i have really close friends that other people have.
6- My sex drive is really low, it always has been since i lost my virginity.
7- I feel as though i have no ambition, no drive in me to get up and go. I have no idea what i want to do for work ( currently have a job but dont like it ) which terrifies me as im about to have a baby and i question myself on how i could be ready to become a mum when i dont even know what to do with my own life.
8 - my sleeping is terrible, i struggle to get to sleep and when i do it can be for 12 hours +
If anyone has read this and thinks i could be depressed, for one thank you for taking the time to read this and two, i don't like the idea of being on anti depressants. The thought of a tablet literally changing your mind terrifies me. Any advice would be appreciated.
0 likes, 10 replies
sam18386 Rach1995
Posted
Hi Rach, 1 word STOP! Stop blaming yourself you can't solve the world's problems, you can't help your mum being ill (or was it a curse as such, no? Thought as much)
if you are a vindictive person then you COULD blame yourself for things going wrong. You didn't ask for any of this. Your sex drive is low because your stressed and you can't speak to your husband because he is probably saddened about his dad? Through the most stressful times take each day 1 by 1. Ease the pressure off your doctor and ask for support off your doctor. Seeing your doctor when you're feeling like this is not a bad thing to do. You sound like you just need some support for YOU! Good luck.x
hypercat Rach1995
Posted
Hi sorry about your mum but Sam is right - it is not your fault. Depression and anxiety often strike at random and it doesn't mean you are weak! If that is so then none of us would suffer from it would we?
If you broke your leg for example would you think of yourself as weak? Would you refuse to get help and decide to tough it out? Of course you wouldn't. But if you don't want to seek medical help there is only the self help one left, so look online for options. x
hypercat Rach1995
Posted
Oh and no one on here can diagnose you as there are no medics here just fellow sufferers. For a firm diagnosis you need to see your doctor. Pick a nice sympathetic one whom you think will understand as unfortunately not all medics do. x
sam18386 hypercat
Posted
Try some chocolate or gin, anything like that might be OK!
valerie01412 Rach1995
Posted
Better skip the gin as you're pregnant
sam18386 Rach1995
Posted
Hi rach, really sorry i missed the pregnancy comment! Maybe just the chocolate so sorry! 😎
wayne1962 Rach1995
Posted
Hi Rach - sorry to read you are suffering. You are overwhelmed. The priority in your life right now is you and the baby. I would suggest you discuss a carer taking the job of looking after your mum. As for the feeling that you have no ambition or focus - yes you do! You have a baby on the way and that is where your immediate focus and ambition lays. Forget about what happens after that, you need to get yourself squared up and prepared. I would urge you to discuss your situation with your doc - if you can't do that, write it down, exactly as you have done here - straight forward and succinct. Give the doc the list - he/she will suggest alternatives to medications. Antidepressants are a last step option. Meanwhile you can use Lavender, St Johns Wort (as long as you have no hay fever allergies), and Chamomile Tea to calm you - just to mention a few. You sound run off your feet, so make some space for yourself - a class in meditation perhaps where you can learn some calming techniques and make a new circle of friends. I was wondering if your fiance has properly grieved his dad? Do you think he might need some relief in that? The important thing is that you get prepared to welcome your baby into life and to do that you must come first.
lucy1969 Rach1995
Posted
Oh sweetheart, my heart goes out to you. You've got so much on your plate right now it's no wonder you don't know where to turn. Firstly, it's not unusual to suffer from depression during pregnancy despite desperately looking forward to having your baby. Pregnancy takes a lot out of us, both physically and emotionally.
Dropping a plate didn't cause your parents to split up. There was obviously some very deep seated problems going on that at 11 you were not party to.
Huntingtons is a cruel illness. It must be devastating to watch your mum deteriorate with this. Have you considered testing for this? It's a massively personal decision but they can provide you with counselling before going ahead with the test.
It's not surprising you struggle with your patience with your mum. You'd be a saint if you didn't. I'm assuming you've looked at whether you qualify for outside help with your mum?
Sometimes talking to the person closest to us is the hardest. I'm sure he doesn't feel like you're a burden (feeling like a burden is a classic sign of depression) - he's probably bringing up how he coped with losing his dad as it's the closest practical example he's got to work with.
5, 6, 7 & 8 - these are all common feelings/symptoms of depression.
You might find that once your beautiful baby is born and your hormones begin to settle again you will naturally feel better. But it would be a really good idea to talk to someone about it now, just so they can keep an eye on you (the risk of post natal depression is far higher in mothers who were already struggling before the birth). Maybe your midwife would be easier than your GP? You don't say if you're in the UK or not but if you are, you can self refer to the NHS Talking Therapies here:
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/counselling/
Have you found any local mother and baby groups to attend once you've had your baby? They'll be a great place to meet other people - I made lifelong friends when I went and my youngest is now 20.
Sending massive hugs. Be kind to yourself okay?
leela23707 Rach1995
Posted
Hello my names Leela. I call a supportive helpline like Samaritans or even emergency services. They gave me so much love, attention, help and diagnosed me with depression. Now i'm 50 years old and happily on anti-depressants (happy pills) because i didnt have enough happy cells in my brain so i had to top them up. I had to try out a few different ones till i found the right one for me. But I feel much better now.
Also they let me try out all different kinds of therapy to help me feel better and learn to love myself and forgive myself for all the mistakes i'd made in my life.
Many many people would be heartbroken if you took your life, including me ! And i dont even know you personally but so many of us feel or felt that same way you do now. So we are all in it together. You are not alone. Just ask for help. Call the emergency services and you will realise just how loved you really are...to people who dont even know you personally !
Lots and lots of sympathetic hugs from your new friend Leela Davis xxx
patient_mod1 Rach1995
Posted
Hi Rach1995
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patient