Nothing helps...

Posted , 7 users are following.

A 23 year old boy that wants to be a superhero... I don't even know how to start talking about this.

It's been 4 years since the "traumatic event" (don't won't talk about what it was). It should be a distant memory, but it's not. Every single time it comes back and haunts the mind to the point of wanting to bash your brains out. I've been so egocentric lately, internalizing all the hate towards me. It's like a positive feedback loop -- you hate yourself for thinking about yourself, but you can't stop thinking about yourself, because you hate yourself. Do you know when they ask you what do you want to be in life... The only thing that I ever wanted to be is morally good person, a person who sacrifices themselves for the benefit of others. However, I can't live up to those expectations. Expectations of a little boy. This little boy will never grow up no matter how old he gets.

Sex, alcohol, drugs... Nothing really helps, everything feels so empty or really vibrant... Sometimes you sleep the whole day and other times you can't fall asleep. Sometimes you feel like dying and other times you are extremely afraid of it. Sometimes you want to go out and other times you feel like staying in. Bipolarity, right? Easy diagnosis. Don't know, never got diagnosed... Don't trust psychiatrists. Why don't I feel a single thing anymore?

Men are supposed to be powerful and girls are supposed to be gentle... Never have I ever been punched or beaten in my life to the point of feeling as extreme of pain as heart brake. Men are supposed to fight, right? Why, though? Why fight? They don't even know that they are signing their life away. A few broken ribs, a black eye, a bruised lip etc. Yeah, it hurts... But! But, not as much as the guilt of beating someone that you experience afterwards. The anger that breaks you further and further. Still, you know you deserve to feel that way... You are an a**hole -- you've beaten a person to a bloody pulp. What even are you? Yeah, it's time for another dose of pain affliction. Suicide is not an option when everyone is expecting greatness of you. So you must keep hurting and punishing yourself for never amounting to anything. Yeah, I guess dad was right.

Love oneself. No, don't want to love. Don't deserve it. Have too much of it from other people. Don't deserve to feel it. "How can you think about doing this to yourself? Look at what you have. Look at how talented you are. Do you know how selfish that sounds?". Yes, I do know. I do know. And I can't stop it. Not the drugs, or therapists, or psychiatrists, or even poor mom... No one, nobody can help. You know the only way to relieve the pain and suffering, but you are not allowed to do it yet. Not until you lose everything and everyone, not until you'll feel the deepest ache of your experience. Only then, I will be allowed to die.

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  • Edited

    hi mitas, that's not right! you can be your OWN superhero! you be who you want to be, never mind anyone else. don't let people hurt you it will hurt you forever and eat you up inside. try to stand up for you as a person. if we were all clones wouldn't life be boring... look after yourself, a lot has happened in your short life, don't let any more happen.

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    • Edited

      Thank you for the reply. You are right that people should be their own people and believe in what they want. I completely agree with you on that. You know, it's funny, people assume I suffered through a lot of trauma, because of the way I express myself. To tell you the truth, this is not the case... I always lived a very privileged lifestyle. I have loving parents who always believe in me... for some reason. Everyone I meet thinks I am extremely talented and that I will go a long way in the world. It's like I am starring in some sorta movie where I am the main character. So not a lot has really happened in my life. I haven't suffered through anything intense, I am just a selfish a**hole. I do appreciate that you took some time out of your day to reply to me. Again, thank you.

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  • Edited

    My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry that your going through this. The only advice and hope I can offer you is if you have a bible or if you can get your hands on one, I would recommend the book of Ecclesiastes and the book of John to read from it. These books describe the human existence and the purpose of God in our life. I am not a religious person, I just love Jesus. I hope my comments don't anger or offend you. That's not my intention.

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    • Posted

      Thank you. No your comments don't offend me at all. I tried reading bible before, but I never got into it. I was trying to force religion onto me, but because my parents were previously citizens of USSR (USSR banned any forms of religion) -- I grew up as an atheist. When I learned about religion I was a teen. As you know, teens are not prone to accepting anything. So, I didn't accept religion. After suffering from intense psychological trauma, I had to find some sort of lever to pull myself up on. I tried reading bible and practicing believing in God; however, I just could not believe. Honestly, I don't know if I believe in anything. I used to believe that people care about others and my therapist at the time misread the situation I was dealing with and told me to not care about what others think, because everyone is selfish and in the end it's just human nature. I remember feeling deep dejection at the time, like I was hit by an icicle in the heart. I could not force myself to believe that people are selfish. And I don't want to believe that! I believe that there are people, just like you, who are trying to help egotistical pieces of s**t like me. What you just did for me is evidence of that. I wish I was you.

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    • Posted

      Thanks for the response. You don't come across at all as egotistical. I can guarantee you that your not a piece of garbage. The bible teaches that God made each one of us fearfully and wonderfully and His works are marvelous (Psalms 139:14). Selfishness is the exact opposite of what Christ taught. He taught Selflessness. Maybe you could visit a free bible reading website such as biblegateway, etc. I like them because they have so many different versions such as the King James or Easy to Read. If you decide to start reading the bible again, I encourage you to say a little prayer before you do asking God to reveal himself to you through it and to help you understand and give you faith to believe in His word. I will pray for you. You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free (John 8:32).

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  • Posted

    Hi Mitas!

    Firstly, I believe you put too much pressure on yourself trying to live up to the expectations you believe a successful person is.. I'll let you into a secret, all successful people have to experience the nasty things in life to enjoy the finer things.

    Secondly- for the traumatic event you experienced.. That's obviously a grey area which I respect your wishes not to discuss.. but for such event/experience to become a distant memory, you have to go through the five stages of Grief. (This stage doesn't have a time frame of how long you'll feel like this, but therapy will help)

    Obviously because that's a grey area I won't go much further into that.

    My advice:

    I'd speak to your Dr & refer yourself for some therapy.. and It's ok to open up about traumatic events, that's how we find closure.

    All the best !

    TruckerM

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  • Posted

    Superheroes are born with abilities, and they use them to help the world. Guidance and good intentions help superheroes on their journey. They also overcome great adversity, and also learn how to use their powers. To be a superhero is to overcome your losses and become successful and then help others achieve success.

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