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A 23 year old boy that wants to be a superhero... I don't even know how to start talking about this.
It's been 4 years since the "traumatic event" (don't won't talk about what it was). It should be a distant memory, but it's not. Every single time it comes back and haunts the mind to the point of wanting to bash your brains out. I've been so egocentric lately, internalizing all the hate towards me. It's like a positive feedback loop -- you hate yourself for thinking about yourself, but you can't stop thinking about yourself, because you hate yourself. Do you know when they ask you what do you want to be in life... The only thing that I ever wanted to be is morally good person, a person who sacrifices themselves for the benefit of others. However, I can't live up to those expectations. Expectations of a little boy. This little boy will never grow up no matter how old he gets.
Sex, alcohol, drugs... Nothing really helps, everything feels so empty or really vibrant... Sometimes you sleep the whole day and other times you can't fall asleep. Sometimes you feel like dying and other times you are extremely afraid of it. Sometimes you want to go out and other times you feel like staying in. Bipolarity, right? Easy diagnosis. Don't know, never got diagnosed... Don't trust psychiatrists. Why don't I feel a single thing anymore?
Men are supposed to be powerful and girls are supposed to be gentle... Never have I ever been punched or beaten in my life to the point of feeling as extreme of pain as heart brake. Men are supposed to fight, right? Why, though? Why fight? They don't even know that they are signing their life away. A few broken ribs, a black eye, a bruised lip etc. Yeah, it hurts... But! But, not as much as the guilt of beating someone that you experience afterwards. The anger that breaks you further and further. Still, you know you deserve to feel that way... You are an a**hole -- you've beaten a person to a bloody pulp. What even are you? Yeah, it's time for another dose of pain affliction. Suicide is not an option when everyone is expecting greatness of you. So you must keep hurting and punishing yourself for never amounting to anything. Yeah, I guess dad was right.
Love oneself. No, don't want to love. Don't deserve it. Have too much of it from other people. Don't deserve to feel it. "How can you think about doing this to yourself? Look at what you have. Look at how talented you are. Do you know how selfish that sounds?". Yes, I do know. I do know. And I can't stop it. Not the drugs, or therapists, or psychiatrists, or even poor mom... No one, nobody can help. You know the only way to relieve the pain and suffering, but you are not allowed to do it yet. Not until you lose everything and everyone, not until you'll feel the deepest ache of your experience. Only then, I will be allowed to die.
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