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I don't really know how to start with this so I apologize if I end up being all over the place. I'm about to be a sophomore in college and I've been severely depressed for years now. I transferred home after my first semester of freshman year because my depression was so bad I wouldn't go out or talk to a single person. I didn't make any friends on my floor and I had a bad binge eating disorder that was beginning to take over my life. I came home to get back into therapy and and on medication since I stopped both my senior year of high school. I had tried 3 SRRI's (zoloft, prozac, and lexapro) and they did nothing for my symptoms so I decided to not bother with meds. I hated therapy when I did go, but I knew my problems were getting worse so I had to go again. I've been in therapy since January and I've made zero progress. I used to go once a week but since June I have been going twice a week to a therapy center that specializes in eating disorders and BDD since I assumed that was my main issue. For a few months I was on Luvox and a mood stabilizer to treat my OCD-like thoughts but it did nothing except cause extreme insomnia where I'd go days without sleeping. I then was put on effexor for 2 or 3 weeks which made me the most suicidal I had been up until that point and I was switched to Zoloft for the second time. I've been on Zoloft since May, on 100mg, and it's doing nothing. I'm still as suicidal as I was on the effexor. I know I won't do anything because death scares me too much, but I can't stop imagining myself dead, thinking about overdosing, wishing someone would crash into me, etc. I feel more empty than I ever have, more emotionally numb, and hopeless. I kept thinking that coming home would be good for me, and that by now I would be so much better and happier. Instead, almost 7 months later and I feel deeper into the darkness. The only thing that's changed is that I don't binge anymore. The zoloft has completely ruined my appetite and I'm too depressed to eat. However, the body image and self-esteem only worsens by the day. I'm so obsessed with getting every part of my body and face redone and I get overwhelmed and stressed at the thought of how I'm supposed to get the money to do everything. I feel so disconnected from the world, I don't want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. I've chosen not to see a single high school friend all summer because I don't want to be seen. I'm going to a school I'm not interested in because my dad wanted me close to home but home is a toxic environment for me. My self-esteem issues come from childhood and the emotional abuse of my dad. I'm not excited to go away in a month, I don't feel ready, but if I stay here I really think I would kill myself. No medication is easing my symptoms, only making them worse and adding to them. Therapy hasn't helped despite how open I am with my therapist or how seriously I take her feedback. I'm trying so hard but I feel so empty and unfixable.
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