Nothing to look forward to.

Posted , 6 users are following.

I'm not sure if I'm depressed. Are people who are depressed aware they're depressed? 

When I was 15, I did tell my parents I was feeling low but they didn't believe me. 11 years later and nothing has changed. 

I am doing a degree with the Open Univseritiy, so at least that gives me the illusion of doing something. I don't work, never have. In fact, I rarely leave the house. I tell myself that maybe upon finishing my BA I'll go on to do an MRes, maybe I'll become a social researcher, but I know this is unrealistic.

I don't want to spend time with the friends who've managed to hang on in my 'life' from high school. I've isolated and hidden myself away from most people. I opted out of life years ago, never planned a future because I didn't believe I had one. I suppose I never thought I'd live this long. 

It's not that I want to die, it's just I would like to cease to exist. 

And so, back to the title. I having nothing to look forward to. Only more of the same that I've endured for the last 11 years. I'm not even fit to have a relationship, plus my dating pool is almost non existant (I'm gay woman, and still closeted, always will be.)

Perhaps, the most cruel of all....I have these little moments of clarity. These little moments where I'm shown what it might be like to be normal. To function. I'm productive, I'm organised, I'm quick, I'm motivated, I'm positive and confident and more outgoing and social. I call them moments of clarity because suddenly everything doesn't seem so hopeless and it seems like I can see the light out of the abyss. It never lasts though. I always come crashing back down. The moments of clarity aren't real, just an illusion. And always temporary.

The reality is, I truly have nothing to look forward to and if I were to seek help, what would it even be for? I have no incentive. 

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi. Sorry to hear you are struggling right now. As a person who suffers with severe depression and have for over 30years, I'm aware of when I'm going down. I stop enjoying things and feel the urge to go to bed....and not get up again. I will stay there for days and luckily for me, I have a good friend who will encourage me to do one little thing a day . Even if that's just a shower. So yes I'm aware.

    you sound an intelligent person, and you are doing something positive and productive ...you are studying. Do you have support? Are you alone? Sometimes it's hard to motivate yourself when alone? I understand those moments of clarity, I have them too. It's like the most amazing feeling, and suddenly you want to do something, like meet a friend. But then it's gone!! I'm no Gp, but you do sound low and I wonder if you could see your Gp. They would recognise what you are struggling with if you told them these symptoms. And you will get through this, it's a horrid stage but you will get through and the negative thoughts pass. Please get some support. Studying at home can be very isolating. I hope you are feeling better soon. And I'm here if you need to email away to somebody. 

    Julia x 

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  • Posted

    When we are depressed everything seems hopeless. It is not that life is really hopeless but our depressed mind makes us see it that way. I also have had the same feelings. I am 54 years old and my kids have left home to pursue their studies. I am not working so i find myself at a loose end. But i have been to the doctor and am on medication. Even then i have slumps where i go back to being very anxious and depressed. But i have realised one thing and that is only we are responsible for our happiness. No one else can help us. So do whatever you have to uplift your spirits. Pray and talk to yourself saying that you are goibg to win this by hook or crook. You can also go for therapy. So hang in there. You are not alone. God bless you.
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  • Posted

    Hi Anna

    To be honest you sound like you have a lot going for you, even if you don’t feel like it.

    Perhaps getting out more and meeting new people, sharing your experiences may help, sounds like you might be in a bit of a rut.

    However you may have an anxiety issue which is stoppping you from going out, I suffer with this also so I know what it’s like. I would speak with your GP, trust me sharing a problem really does help.

    Good luck

    Neil

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    • Posted

      Yes Neil you are right. I do go to the gym everyday and enjoy it. I have friends there and one very caring friend who keeps tabs on me. My problem started after i weaned off my sertraline 50 mg which i was on for 4 years. I was doing just fine till then. Now its been only a month since i restarted. But the effect will take at least 2 months to kick in. I do not want to increase my dose as far as possible. So i try and control the way i feel myself.
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  • Posted

    Well, first purpose is to find a purpose. And that purpose is to be happy. Afterall, people earn money to feel happy. Money is not the ultimate aim. Ultimate aim is happiness.

    God has given you a sound body and clear thinking power. else how anyone can artculate so well. ...Just little obstruction/vortice which needs to be cleared. Destroy  it on daily basis by daily routine of exercise and prayer and meditation. 

    You must exist, that too happily. I believe we are eternal souls. we can never cease to exist, being heir to eternal God. that itself can be purpose of life to realize what are we. 

    Making a living is not the highest goal of life. But all of us can do something, even  a little is good enough, a sincere positive word, to make others happy. And of course, you need to include your individual happiness too in this plan. 

    God bless us all. 

     

     

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