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I'm not sure if I'm depressed. Are people who are depressed aware they're depressed?
When I was 15, I did tell my parents I was feeling low but they didn't believe me. 11 years later and nothing has changed.
I am doing a degree with the Open Univseritiy, so at least that gives me the illusion of doing something. I don't work, never have. In fact, I rarely leave the house. I tell myself that maybe upon finishing my BA I'll go on to do an MRes, maybe I'll become a social researcher, but I know this is unrealistic.
I don't want to spend time with the friends who've managed to hang on in my 'life' from high school. I've isolated and hidden myself away from most people. I opted out of life years ago, never planned a future because I didn't believe I had one. I suppose I never thought I'd live this long.
It's not that I want to die, it's just I would like to cease to exist.
And so, back to the title. I having nothing to look forward to. Only more of the same that I've endured for the last 11 years. I'm not even fit to have a relationship, plus my dating pool is almost non existant (I'm gay woman, and still closeted, always will be.)
Perhaps, the most cruel of all....I have these little moments of clarity. These little moments where I'm shown what it might be like to be normal. To function. I'm productive, I'm organised, I'm quick, I'm motivated, I'm positive and confident and more outgoing and social. I call them moments of clarity because suddenly everything doesn't seem so hopeless and it seems like I can see the light out of the abyss. It never lasts though. I always come crashing back down. The moments of clarity aren't real, just an illusion. And always temporary.
The reality is, I truly have nothing to look forward to and if I were to seek help, what would it even be for? I have no incentive.
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