ocd urges during a bad panic attack?

Hi my names allison and im 31 i have posted a few post about the hard time im having with panic attacks at the moment but I never explained the whole story because it is to painful but I really need some advice. back in November last year my ocd flared up quiet bad I was diagnosed with icd at 19 and im not on meds as it normally under control but it flared up bad in November for roughly a montg of super intense ocd I developed server panic attacks. These panic attacks were the compelty different to the ones ive always experience since I was 15 the only symptoms i had during the attacks Was a intense feeling of impending doom and I felt like insanity was near the sense of fear Was unbelievable I cant even explain the horrible feelings during the attacks i had no physical symptoms of panic and thesd attacks went in for up to 4hours hitting me every fee minutes. During the second attack i had i was getting thoughts that I need to urgently get to a mental hospital asap thats how out of control i felt but what scared me the most is i also had a thought during the attack thst I may need to kill myself and I had an urge to jump of a cliff now im not sure weather this suicide thought was just my ocd as I have experienced harm thoughts not about harming myself but family ect with my ocd in the past the fact that I had a sucidial thought and urge makes me so uncomfortable and its that what scares me the most i mean what if I have ine of these attacks again and I lose control and snap and kill myself I don't wont to but my ocd is saying maybe you do wobt to kill your self . Naturally after that attack i got attacks daily and my ocd keept putting suicial thoughts in my mind during these attacks it was so horrible its been a month since these horrid attacks but I still ferl not myself and im finding thst when I think of the attacks or even when I go to certain places that reminds me of the attacks i start to get derealization or I disconct from myself even writing this post ive gotten derealisation I feel werid because I find it very difficult to relive what I experienced. Sorry for such a long post and hope I dont sound like im whining about nothing im just scared and dont ferl whole thanks for any help. And I forgot to add Im not on any meds I can't rake antidepressants now because I read that they can cause sucidial thoughts in some people so my ocd wont alliw I i was on luvox for a week and all I thought sbout was suicide nit cause I wont to but cause my heaf keept ssying what if this what if thst aggg it drives me nuts.

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