ocd urges during panic attack?

Hi my names allison and im 31 ive been diagnosed with ocd at 19 my ocd is normally about harm thoughts about people i love and I have health anxiety which drives me nuts I always think I have a illness. I dont take medication for the ocd because I normally handle it well without meds and I guess im lucky because I only get flare ups of my ocd every 6 months or so in saying that I always have low lying ocd everyday. In November last year I had a flare up with the ocd it was full on i hadn't had ocd that bad in about 4 years anyway this ocd flare up went on till after Xmas then I started having very scary intense panic attack these attacks lasted up to 4 hours waxing and weaning it was horrid the feelings I had during these panic attacks were a feeling of doom and helplessness and intense fear and I felt like I was glkng insane and I would lose complete control during one of these attacks and an hour into it i had a quick thought that I should jump of a cliff then I had a urge, this thought and urge felt exactly like the thoughts and urges ive had in the past with my normal harm thoughts about loved ones , after I had this jump of a cliff thought I panicked even more i mean why did I think that and the urge along with the thought after I calmed down and the 4 hour panic attack ended i could not get the thought of jumping of a cliff out of my head I started to ocd weather i really wonted to kill myself which I cant stress enough I dont won't to kill myself I love life i just hate ocd and panic attacks but I cant get this out of my head. And now a month after this horrible attack im so scared that I will get another panic attack like I had and what if next attack i lose control even if I don't wont to i may snap because I did feel like I was losing complete control And I kill myself this is horrible these panic attacks i had last month ive never experienced such feelings normally my heart will race i cant breath ect but not these panic attacks i had no physical symptoms just a doom feeling combined with a feeling of lack of control and impending insanity the fear i had wss unbelievable and they last hours. Ill add that I haven't had one of these attacks for a month but im waiting constantly checking my self and ive also been experiencing dereilzation quiet bad but its slowly going away but I cant get over the fear of another attack because I couldn't calm down and it went on for hours what if I snapped during an attack and killed myself this is scary please offer some advice has any one with ocd ever had this I feel so alone

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