Okay someones tied heavy weights to my body.

Dont be tempted by the shiny apple, why was I such a young fool? Hunger only for a taste of justice, hunger for a word of truth. I thought I could find away, take it all, pay my debts and run away.To live in a world with clean conscious and clean hands. All that you have is your soul.

Hi Katy,

\"All that you have is your soul ...\"

Perhaps. Certainly Mother Theresa, Ghandi, St Francis of Assisi and Jesus had little more in the way of material things. And Paul Getty had billions but was not happy.

\"..why was I such a young fool? ...\" Youth is wasted on the young, Katy. We all make humiliating mistakes as young people. Many politiians allow us to see this is not confined to young people.

Katy, I am concerned about you. You are crying out for help but can find none in your close environment. This is depression, and it clouds the judgment, destroys confidence, undermines self esteem, contracts your world to you ... and the rest, who seem to either not care or want to hurt you. But this is a condition of the mind caused by an imbalance of hormones Katy, and that is all. True, it is exacerbated by grief, self doubt, and many other things, but Seratonin is the culprit in many cases and that is why the doctor prescribed Citalopram, because it is an SSRI; Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor.

Please think about where you are in life, and where you could be if you can get past this obstacle in your path right now. In order to get through this, you may need to see a psychiatrist. I did, and he was brilliant. So intelligent, so focussed, he laid bare the problems and mapped out a path to get through them. I had broken my knee in an accident, was off work on pain killers, anti inflammatories, blood pressure tablets, ulcer tablets, unable to walk, was bashed by three young thugs who broke into my own house on an isolated farm, who threatened to kill me if I reported the matter to police, who smashed my mobile phone, ripped my landline off the wall, broke my UHF radio and threw my keys away. They left me to die. But I had another key for my car in my wallet, and managed to get to help. I have lost my job, my family, my confidence, and ended up in a fog of confusion and pain, unable to prevent myself from crying when talking to a counsellor, unable to look after myself, with the then added problems of side effects from Efexor, another SSRI which caused me to fall sideways, to have involuntary muscle spasms which would suddenly arch my back and throw me across the bed, head sweats, violent hand shakes, rubbery feelings in my fingers ... the list is long. After changing to Citalopram at 20, then 40 mg, I was able to get my life back in order, with the help of a psychologist who listened to me and made some excellent suggestions, and the psychiatrist whom I had to see because only a psychiatrist is qualified to dispense Citalopram in Australia.

I needed help, Katy. I did not ask for it, I simply went to a general practitioner and he realised it, and sent me to the psychologist, who referred me to the psychiatrist. I got lucky, and am now winding down off the Citalopram. But this is dynamic. It is not a static situation. Even with my other health problems, I can see a way to a better future. Every day is a new opportunity, and it can bring richer promise or greater defeat. But to get better, I needed help. I hear your soul in distress Katy. You are a lovely young mum with two adorable little girls and a partner who does not understand. That puts you in the same category as many other women, but it need not ruin your life. Please reach out for genuine help sweetheart. There are people out there who just want to go to work with people like you, who just want to help you get better, because that helps them to have a life of value too. You can do this Katy. You didn't have it easy as a child. Neither did Nelson Mandela. Please, Katy, seek help. Try to get a true perspective and realise that you are a person of value, but even the greatest of sailing ships cannot move when it encounters the equatorial doldrums. But when the sailors man the rowboats and pull the ship a few hundred yards, it can pick up the wind again. Just a little help, just a little faith.

Breezman, I dont know, I ve been crying all day, then had some wine(which did not do anything) then got hounded by my lovely big sister (who is so alone and so vulnerable).

I just cant consider myself human, I feel so inadequate, (partner told my mother today, eho is suffering severe pains, how much I drink). Wrll, I cried for Scotland!!!! I dont have any physical pains , apart froma thing in my rib cage, but I am up and down like a yoyo. The thing is, I always HEV BEEN, the difference is , nothing is solitude, i am whoopeee ddoo, then whap bang thank yuh mam!!! Ive been like this all my ife, but cped, Mind you , when 20 , when I was rPED, (i HATE THAT WORD) ACCORDING TO MY SISTER , IT WAS MY FAULT!! i hID, HIDING sometimes feels like the best option. Sometimes I snap out my modd, and I dance to music with the children. (I love my kids), I know you love yours too. ( Breezman, I love my Dad, but I a, too scared to phone him) If hes on wi fi , wiill he have got these messages? Even though my dad drank, I love him more, he id=s an innocent and been through soomuch that we would all cryabout it) . I love my dad for his strength and his power to put himself together. He ia about the only person I know tha tcould understand, but I am to scared to talk to him. Breezman, I must adnit, you sound more positive, are you okay?, lots of hugs and cuddles, (of the Koala kind) Katy

Katy, please seek help from a competent psychologist, and perhaps ask to see a psychiatrist.

You sound so down, Katy, but your are a victim of symptoms of depression. As for your having been \"assaulted\", my second daughter was also, and she is now 28 and may never get over that incident. BUT. I offer the following advice not as a man, or a parent, but a friend. After my daughter's attack, I asked every authority, for months I was on the phone or visiting people to try and find a way to help her. One day I was talking to an old school friend who is now a nurse, and asked her about it. She too had been through this, which I did not know, and apologised immediately. She said, \"That's ok. When your daughter realises one day that she is not a victim, but a survivor, then, and only then, will she be able to get on with her life.\" Wisdom from a survivor, Katy.

I am apalled at your sister's lack of sensitivity and ignorance. EVen if you had flirted with your attacker, there is a point beyond which his actions become instinctive. Now he may claim that he was overcome with lust, and you may claim that you wanted him to stop. But blaming you for flirting in the first place presupposes that you were mature enough, with enough experience of men, to realise that your actions would end up as they did. There are no winners here Katy, but if you can ignore your sister's comments, put them out of your mind, realise that you were a victim of circumstance and you survived, then you may just come to realise that you have survived, you are a survivor, and you really are strong enough to live beyond that point. You know, if you think about it, your actions at that time were probably innocent and silly. You would not put yourself in that position again, knowing what you know now. And the man involved? He would probably not get into that situation again either. The point is, we all make mistakes. We learn, and move on.

As for your partner, what right does he have to tell your ailing mother anything? She is your family, not his, and she is unwell. You have a complex set of problem circumstances. But I know you are strong. I know you went the extra mile for your daughter's birthday, and look how she responded!

Have you thought about dropping your dad a few lines? If he has been through so much, perhaps he is the one person you CAN turn to. My oldest daughter turned to me when she had problems and said later that she didn't think I would understand, but what father would not help his daughter when she asked? What if you took your two girls to see him? Or phoned him and said, \"I don't have much time, just wondering if I can call over and see you on Saturday week\", or something.

As for me, I've had several days I'd rather forget but I'm told the medication itself ravages the body while it's dealing with \"the beast\". The pain does get bad at times but if Lance Armstrong can do it so can I! This may seem a bit eccentric but I've decided to address this problem as if it's a parasite, a separate entity, and it's a race to beat it before it beats me. It helps me cope.

One last thing Katy. It is obvious to me that your partner has no respect for you, and probably never will. If you are to reclaim your own self respect, you must, in my opinion, either reclaim his respect for you, or move away from his influence so that you can reclaim your self respect.

Huge Koala hugs. One less drink, a bit more sleep if you can. xx

[b:75df0556c4]Breezman, you deserve to be a good daddy!!! Just fight the beast!!

[/b:75df0556c4]i have many friends, but one so special, she spots me on a down day, (and I know she suffers) but she phones me magically out the blue, to see I am okay. She is aabout the only person , I want to trun to rught nowm she is lovelyl. (But I also appreciate everyone has their own set of prbs) as a mum of 2 , there does not seem anywhere to go, but i shall try, Growing happiness in my ne job. (I am just scared about my own breakdowns).

Your illness, ... well (as you know) Breezman , I need you, like a father. Please fight it , with all that you have, sometimes we think we are trying to do our best at stuff, sometimes our best, will/is never good enough, but I want to see you and your 12 yr old daughter, (free accomodation) just get better!! You have to, and you know you can, Katy x.

Hi Katy,

Thank you for the free accommodation offer. I hope to one day be able to at least call in to your neighbourhood and meet your daughters with my daughter. Have taken some pain killers and they are slowly dulling the pain. I have heard many older people say \"You can't buy your health\", and I understand now that what we take for granted just suddenly is replaced by a series of reminders of a hard past life. In my own case, I've had a number of injuries to my legs and knees, but being self employed just pushed ahead. Time to pay now I suppose.

Katy, you remind me of my daughters, and I thank you for your compliment. I will never give up with my health problems, because it is not in my nature to give up, and also I have too much to do, with my own youngest daughter and the kids I sponsor who need so much and who struggle to get clean drinking water, let alone education. These kids deserve no less than our own, yet a fluke of birth sees them in a country where land mines are still a worry, and university is not even imagined by them. What a wonderful opportunity, Woodrow Wilson's \"New World Order\", absolutely squandered for the gain of wealthy, greedy men. I am not religious, I find the all powerful \"God\" a difficult concept. I do not believe this life is a dress rehearsal for the next, but I do believe we all have a free will, (those of us lucky enough to live in the first world), and if a child is starving or dying from AIDS or whatever, anywhere in the world, it is my responsibility to contribute what I can to help. So even though I get some pain, imagine how much worse it must be for a young mother seeing her child dying, and nothing she can do to stop it. In our countries a man would face court if he treated an animal that way. What have we allowed our world to come to?

Sorry, I get carried away. I know I can't help them all, and I know hundreds of thousands of innocent kids will die while I help just a few. But it's a start, and it keeps me fired up, even though I have this damn parasite inside me which makes me weak in physical strength but in a strange way empowers me to do better.

I am so glad that you are enjoying your new job. You need to have a daily routine which gets you into an automatic thought process for some of the day. Then, when you've mastered that, perhaps you might consider lookiing at other areas of your life, like setting aside four hours every Saturday morning to take the kids grocery shopping, or cleaning the house before helping you bake a cake, or watching them play sport, going to a Zoo, a play park, a fair, a movie .... none of these things are grossly expensive and you will find if you start to regiment yourself for just one morning a week with the girls, without their Dad, that you will start to reclaim your rightful place as matriarch. Yes, matriarch! Because from what you've posted here, your partner will never care for them as much as you do, so all you need to do is share your time with them, make them feel they are loved and cared about, and they will stay close to you even after their rough times through puberty.

I will survive this medical situation I have, Katy, even though I have days and even weeks where I am not up to posting. And I will see you one day in Bonny Scotland, I promise! xxx Koala and Kangaroo hugs !!!

Breezman, i am having really awful thoughts about what I want to do tome. I am so cared, I am scared to go outside, iam scared about my poor partner coming home. I soo want to be alone. Alone is what I am . i dont know whats up with me, but i am suffering with really bad dizzinezz..so much, i cant focus!!!

breezman, Im scared there is something else wrong with me! petrified to be honest, what I would give to be Katy that fought sh*t and finshed my degree with prospects. I have no prospects now, Its 10 yrs on , and still I am haunted by this yuck!! Its not like I can even remeber what that man looked like, I just remeber smells, and my fear, my heart pounding, half of me thinking ah well , once Im dead itll be a lesson to all those others, or when your finished , can I cut it off, going mad. i remeber him leaving me in the early hours and thining thank god , but at the same time not being able to move. My best friend knew something had happened, but at the time I was so ill, Iput it down to too much booze etc. half of me even thought Id imagined the events of that night.

Last year, Breezman, this is why I am here now, my partner..............okay forget I cant trell you. I was duty bound , looking after children , my mum studying and trying to hold a part time job. I cracked, i dont think Ill ever meet a man that could love me, not ever. I feel desperate, but its almost like I am starintg to enjoy my loneliness, its like this is the best place to be, then no person can hurt me.

i really hope you are okay, sometimes I think I dont give things my best, I know I dont, but I am so desperate noe, so sad, so lonely, I do see no point in ocntinuing this horror. I hate this self pity of mine, but I just want to be understood. I feel cold, soo cold. i realyy hope you get better soon or asap, I hat eilness like sickness, theres nothing worse, or maybe there is, there is mental torture, Sorry, not myself. godbelss, (not that i believe in him either) take care Breezman, you are a pleasure to know, koala hugs, Katy

Hi Katy,

Do you remember seeing a brand new car, twenty years on, been garaged since day 1, pefect condition, sold to wind up an estate, bought by a youth who flogged it and soon it has dents all over it, a broken head light, left out in the weather and unrecognisable.

When we allow things to get out of hand we become like that car. There are so many things to fix we don't know where to start. Katy, you are a good mum and a person of value. Regardless of your partner's opinion of you, which will never change unless your own opinion of yourself changes. How do you achieve this?

In my own case I found help by being honest with my psychologist, a young woman who could be my daughter; and my psychiatrist, a very intelligent man who cut straight to the core of the problem. Without straying into the area of actual medical advice, for which I am unqualified, it seems to me that a competent professional could help you, over time, to regain your confidence and do something with your degree, if that is your desire.

I believe your dents and busted lights have become so numerous they cloud the issue for you and you really need a gentle guide to facilitate a way for you to find the path again. Please seek help Katy. Talk to a doctor, seek a referral to a psychologist, if that is not possible go straight to a psychiatrist. You have a life to live, a lot to give. It is amazing how therapeutic it is to take on board a decision to steer for a goal, whether it be to lose 10 lbs or to challenge a foreign government on human rights issues in the UN. You just need to think \"I am getting better\". You don't even have to believe it. If you repeat it often enough, it will happen. But you need help to get to a point where that can happen. Please seek professional help Katy. It is there, available to you. If you are hungry and go to a restaurant, you must tell the waiter what you want, and wait for it to come, which it will. If you want to get better, you must tell someone who can provide that help, and it too will come.

You can do this. For yourself, your kids, your parents, your sister .... yes, but firstly for yourself. Big Koala hugs sweetheart. xx

Katy - please, please listen to Breezman

I have watched you since you first came on to this site, giving me all sorts of problems, laughs, despair with your postings. But I have watched you grow, you started to support others, you got a job and I was so proud of you (ooops maybe a mum thing). You may have read my post last week - it was you that I was referring to and it was you that inspired me to write about my son.

I am not judging, preaching, or whatever but I know those dark thoughts Katy but as I said in my posting, what message would that give to your girls - my Steve & Kimberley are 27 & 23, they don't even know of my dark moments but I will tell them and I know that they will be shocked and cross (as hubbie was). Your girls need you to be there for them.

You can get through this Katy. Until 1995 I lived a few miles away from you but that was then and not now - so I can't come and give you a hug. So, give your girls a hug instead.

Come on Katy - we are here for you :hug:

Breezman and Chimera, Thank you both.

Ive, not yet wrote this car off, but hmmm.......its hand brake is a bit broken and its engine needs oiled. Ipod broke , actually think its the things bed thats broken. Boy, it can have mine, aint much point me having a bed :lol:

I have got another problem, not happy, but like you breezman, ill try and not be a quitter.......[b:1f9d67f8d7]@Stand back.....give me steam......get a life with thedreamers dream, plastic from cash, you know the stripper from the paint, the sinner from the saint.......stand bac![/img][/b:1f9d67f8d7]

And how to tell the dancer from the dance. Katy, we care about you and we see you in pain, so it's natural for us to want to help.

I am doing ok, have had a good day today, very little pain, it's all good. I've had to give up alcohol completely because it doesn't mix well with the medications I take, but tomorrow I'm a day closer to getting my daughter and bringing her to Europe, including Scotland.

Take care sweetheart. Huge koala hugs. xxx

Breezman, feeling a little brighter as i managed to get my nano fixed in a nano second by my wee friends at John Lewis....magic!!!! Thank gosh...i love my music, thought I was going to die when it stopped working. (If anyone has this problem,apparently press the MENU button for 5 minutes and the thing should be resusitated, :lol: poor Ipod, its better now though.

Okay, i had to go to bed, so upset with my family. :cry: :cry:

:shock: My sister rang me back, explained what she had told my dad. We both know how hell react, so ended up giggling about it on the phone together. (We are both thinking, hell think, i cant cope with this, give me some wine!!!! :oops: ) . Sometimes , youd only understand if you were us. I am starting my good girl plan again, but sure Ill fall of the wagon at points, but at least if I try, I can feel better fo rhaving done so.

Life is so difficult ......there just seems no point to it, too many people who criticse and quickly judge, too many people to stab you when you are down. I dont know, Ive slept a lot today and my emeotions have been everywhere, the fact I need or feel the need to escape. I am ready to do something awful to myself, but fighting these feelings with everything I have as I love my children. I dont know its almost impossible to explain.But hey hooo, I wll get better. take care all you good people, keep fighting.

You would think I would be motivetaed as I have such 2 wonderfulc hildren. I love them to bits, and of course, there childlike behaviour with their wants, and not needs, hurts me, makes me feel even more of a failure. I do try to explain and make them understand cetain situations, But children are children, and childhood is soo shortlived, like life , Iguess. I have photos of how Ilooked before I met my partner, sooooooooo different, and now. I see my children growing, and they are both very beatifuk in my eyes, but I cant escape these feelings, the feelings that I am a failure as a mum and a responsible parent. as an adult and individual. I know life is short, so should be sweet, well that my guess, but I feel ill, I feelike I am screaming and no one can hear me. And really in the lightened events, I should not be feeling this way. I should be happy, afterall , you cant put a price on life, (I know its a common joke) so why? Why am I like this? I am sorry, my partner probably has abused me in ways, but now I have also hurt him, so we = a pair. But i am so unclear about stuff. So insecure, I certainly cannot and will not do that thing that adults and animals share instinctively now, its way of course. At the same time, I just want a cuddle. Do I sound ridiculous , or what?