One person's journey with sertraline

Day 78 on sertraline, but Day 60 on 100 mg:

I wonder of there are stages for depression, as there are stages for grief?  I want logical meaning out of the Sertaline process, but just like life, it keeps changing.  Sertraline is still working.  Despite packing/preparing for a move to our new place, I have no stress, no depression.  I even took a day off and  hiked 9 miles up 2800' above Columbine Lake to an unnamed 13'er.  I feel like a normal person.  But once in awhile I get annoyed at Mr. Pick axe Man, who is stuck on oscillating between working at 11:00 to 2:00 position.  But I breathe through the debris mess, which includes slight clenching of my teeth and fists several times a day.  And I remind myself "This is nothing!  Don't you remember the horrible hours and hours of depression/hopelessness?"  But I am in denial, and want to forget the years of pain.  

So then I ask myself, "Did I make up this Mr. Pick Axe Man feeling?  Has it always been just in this same spot in my brain?"  So then several times in the last few days, I've stopped what I was doing to concentrate on the 7:00 position, where I think this pickax feeling started.  And each time, focusing on the 7:00 place in my brain, I got swirling dizzy.  So, I'm going to just go on living my fulfilling life, and detached watch the wall being demolished.

I also note I had started with the intention to report here periodically for those just starting their journey, but part of me wants to deny the years of depression/suicidal feeling and just go play and live life.  I can see why folks come to this site in the throes of pain and want to leave when they get their lives back.  My intention is to continue reporting, weekly for awhile, hoping my journey may help others.

Day 84 of Sertraline, Day 66 on 100 mg.

It is amazing to not be dealing with depression anymore.  I hardly know how to live without it.  I am still cautious about not overloading my emotional platter with too much.  

That said, we are moving (down the street to a smaller condo).  With cleaning out, moving, sorting, planning for paint, carpet, etc., I feel like it's no problem.  Am I just supernaturally being carried through what should be a major life stress?  I am grateful, and I'm grateful for the Sertraline.

Mr. Pickaxe Man has been working in the area from 11:00-3:00 all week, seemingly just taking it easy and slowly clearing away rubble.  He is no longer following the circular pattern, but he is definitely working on the top area of my brain.  I feel I've been wearing a tight scull cap or yarmulke all week long.  Several times a day, I find myself gritting my teeth or clenching my fists.  But that's the only side effect, not lasting more than a few minutes, a few times a day.  

Today I decided to change my dosage timing and take it at bedtime.  Just testing it out, because I figured that if I have a period of time when my body has the lowest dose of sertraline in my blood, I'd rather have that when I'm sleeping.  I'd rather wake up with full blood levels of sertraline.  I have no idea if it works this way, but by taking it at night, I can lump my asthma maintenance meds and my sertraline all together in one gulp.  This will also put an end to waking up each morning with the thought, "I'd better jump up and take my sertraline ASAP because I don't want to be hit with suicidal feelings."  Even though I've not had those feelings for months now, the memory fear is still there after all those years of that morning struggle.

So, we're moving into our new home.   We have three major trips planned before Christmas.  We have a new grandbaby due.  Do I feel stressed or overloaded?  NO.  Do I feel exhausted?  No.  Am I acting lethargic?  No.  

I am still sleeping 9 hours a night.  I wish it was only 7 or 8.  I am eating less, but my weight is stabilized to only 2-3 pounds less than before I started the meds.  I hope everyone else is doing well.  I feel so blessed it is working for me.  

Day 71 on 100 mg

It's dreary here. raining and gray. I woke up slightly annoyed about the mild fist clenching I still find myself doing. Then I remembered! I used to wake up suicidal, my head buried in my pillow, crying out for strength just to get up and face the day. Between the dark cloud that hung over me, and the ten pound weight that sat on my head -- or sporadic fist clenching and mild teeth gritting for a total of 10-12 minutes per day -- I'll take this anyday.

I have a life now. Farmers Market today. Packing to move, an opera tomorrow and a hike with friends planned for Monday.

I have consciously chosen to welcome the feeling that my head is no longer covered by the ten pound weight. I feel airy and free, but it's a strange childlike vulnerable feeling. No wall to hide behind. I consciously am welcoming this, reminding myself "I choose to give and receive love. I choose to embrace life, and trust that God will take care of all things." I can live in this "life everlasting and full of glory" state. I "choose life this day that I might live." I no longer need be afraid.

Day 95 on Sertraline, Day 77 on 100 mg. Reading through old posts, I realize how far I've come. Part of me wants to just put behind me how bad the depression was all those years, to shake it all off, and go live a normal life now. But I will continue to post, hoping my journey could help others.

I now have 3D vision even when the light is muted. The autumn leaves in the distant Hills are still 3D. We went car camping for two days, temperature was down to 34 degrees, no problem. No stress, no anxiety, no terror feelings. No big deal, just sleep in your coat and hat. We got a phone call; an anticipated bank deposit check will be delayed. No panic, no fear. We can shuffle things around and it will work out. Laugh off the panic feelings' attempt to derail me.

However, I did have a full hour of teeth gritting and fist clenching before I thought to take two exedrine migraine pills. Then it went away. so much for assuming that mildly annoying symptom wasn't a problem. But I'd still take that over panic, depression and suicidal feelings anyday. I think I shall assume the teeth gritting is response to more mental wall being demolished, and that if I need an anti inflammatory to breeze through this, I can just take exedrine migraine pills as needed. My doctor had said I could take many more per day than I have, so I choose to just pop one every few hours if it helps me happily enjoy life to the fullest. I get the feeling this side effect will go away with time.

Interesting:  I've lived here for three years.  I never knew there were three hill layers behind our carport.  The 2nd and 3rd distant hills blended into one.  Today, with overcast skies, and muted colors, I saw three hills for the first time.  3D vision, even on a cloudy day!

103 days on sertraline, 85 days on 100 mg:

Four days until our move, and no anxiety.  No depression.  No suicidal thoughts.  No hopeless/overwhelmed feelings.  I still have two side effect symptoms I didn't have before.  First, several times throughout the day I'll notice I feel like my teeth are on edge.  It feels like I bit into lemon.  If the feeling continues, and it seems annoying, an ibuprofen or Tylenol takes care of it.  And then sometimes, four hours later, the feeling comes back, so  I take a second one.  The second side effect is I now am aware of the 2:00-3:00 area of my brain.  No pain, I just find myself being aware of that area.

Head and neck massages feel like they increase the blood flow and energy to that area, and supply the additional "needs" that particular area seems to be lacking in.

Today is new carpeting, and the accompanying carpet smells.  I did great with the new paint smells.  That was a miracle.

Day 133 on Sertraline, Day 115 on 100 mg:. I've completely forgotten what it's like to wake up suicidal. Social anxiety is gone.

I have a normal life back, I feel like I did in 4th grade, only much better health. I am profoundly grateful for the meds.

I still sometimes feel myself gritting my teeth, but for only short periods. I still sleep 8 to 9 hours a night. I wish I could get by on less.

I do have some dizziness, but that could be hormonal. It is so peaceful and wonderful to be normal. Peace is the norm now, rather than anxiety.

Life is good.

Day 139 on 100 mg:

Positives:  I went through a home purchase and move with no problems.  (Hah!  We had painter problems, floor problems, Internet mega problems, just no emotional/mental problems).  I have had no depression, just normal emotions with a 'down' day every once in awhile.  My emotions aren't dulled or bland.  Went through major family and social gatherings with no anxiety.  I am still definitely an introvert.  I am constantly amazed at the 3D vision I have;  I can even park a car straight now, if I wanted to (which I still could care less).  I can discern soprano, alto, tenor, bass in music, the sounds are 3D as well.  And my sweet husband has a round head, rather than just a flat one.  (Um, don't tell him that).  

Negatives:  I still average 3-5 days a week where I take 1-3 Exedrine per day.  Oh well... It may be the fact that we live at 7,000 ft elevation, or the asthma meds I require, or hormones.  I can live with that.  

Also, I have less dizziness overall than I have had in decades, EXCEPT at bedtime, when I sometimes feel like I might keel over.  So I just take a deep breath and keel over and sleep fine.  If I had a choice between the dizziness I experienced normally before sertraline, and this almost passing out at night, I'd gladly pass out at bedtime anytime.  

Minimum to no alcohol for me.  I feel so good and normal now, that I have to remind myself what it used to feel like.  Life is good.

Hmmm ...  I'd been taking Exedrine migraine about 5 days per week before Sertraline.  So when I started the meds, I had to increase my Exedrine migraine dose, to help me through the initial period.  Now I've been back to what was "normal" for me before meds.  This week has been different.

We live in a state where recreational cannabis is legal.  I've never smoked, never taken drugs not prescribed by a doctor, and only drank alcohol about 4 times a year.  Since I started sertraline, I found I can't do alcohol.  But one of my health care professionals said in passing that cannabis can help hormonal headaches.  So I got a chocolate bar, and took 1/8 of the recommended serving.  I've been doing this for several days now, and headaches are 70% gone.  Plus, the slight gritting of teeth I'd experienced with the sertraline is greatly diminished.  Hmmm ....  

What do I do now?  Hide a chocolate square in my socks when I travel???  I'm a grandmother!  Go back to popping Exedrine migraines?  

Merry Christmas everyone (Happy Holidays)!  Update:  One quarter of one serving of previously mentioned Locally Legal "infused" chocolate has reduced headaches, and totally removed the slight teeth gritting feeling.  It has been several weeks now, needing one Exedrine pill per day or less.  Hmmm.  I feel great.  I am a grandmother, getting on an airplane tomorrow.  I wonder what my final decision and choice will be regarding my 1/2 Daily routine?  

Seven and a half months since starting Sertraline.  No suicidal thoughts, no social anxiety.  The heavy morning cloud has not returned.  Hallelujah!  The side effect of me slightly gritting my teeth several times throughout the day was remaining, so I tried to reduce my dose.  I seem to need at the very  least, 75 -100 mg per day.  So after trying to decrease some, I've settled into a routine that works for me.

I take 100 mg four days a week, and 1/2 pill three days a week, alternating.  I have less teeth gritting with this, and haven't lost any of the benefits as long as I take 100 mg a majority of the time.  To stop the teeth gritting, I've been taking 1/2 a "serving" of  a Colorado Cherry Cannabis Chocolate bar ( which comes out to be 2.5mg THC, 2.5 mg CBD) per day also.  It had been recommended by my doctor for headaches, and it works fine.  Although he would have recommended a higher dose, I figured I'm hyper enough on my own, I didn't need any Rocky Mtn. High other than the mountain views out my window.

I'm happily enjoying life.  I am so grateful.

So at age 61, I'm 5'5" and 108 lbs, I take about 80 mg sertraline per day, and one half of one square serving of Rocky Mtn. CBD chocolate 1:1 in the morning.  If needed, I take the other half serving in the afternoon.  Headaches reduced, and teeth gritting minimal.  😀