Overwhelmed.

Hello fellow stenosisites.

I am reaching out from a level of pain that is challenging my will to live. I have cancer, emphysema and a brain injury. I have recently completed a 30 day treatment of radiation and am fatigued both from the radiation and from the brain injury. I am still working, but go through the day disoriented and struggling with the pain in my body. Some days are OK, others are like torture; today I pulled a muscle in my back and I have scarring in my lung from many bouts of pneumonia. I have to stay sometimes extra hours to complete my tasks at work. Thank God I have a job! I haven't yet reached the point of going for surgery - Im still in the stage where I can get by with shots and OTC meds....

I have done a year of PT for brain injury, but still feel brain fog and lots of migraines. I am ashamed to admit it, but some days I beg God to just let me die. I have a wonderful son, five awesome siblings and neices and nephews I adore. I know I need to stick around for them as long as I can. I also work with one of the best flamenco dancers in the US ( I am music director of her dance company). So I have plenty to live for. I just get to the point where the pain is so intense I wonder how long I can go on like this. I am shattered! I had a near death experience 40 years ago, and I learned that my life isn't mine to end... my grandfather commited suicide in his 30s, also uncles and cousins. I sincerely don't want to disappoint the Light who loved me so much during that experience. Since then I have had the gift of seeing into the future and what I know and see takes me to a level of both ineffable beauty and wonder, as well as despair and terror. I dont expect any answers, I am simply putting myself out there to break my feelings of isolation. I am 66, have never attempted suicide, but good Lord, how much can a human being endure? The answer: WAY more than anyone would ever want to deal with, haha. Bless you all in your own Olympics of pain!

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