Hey guys, ill start with a backstory.
Im 21 year old male now, and over the last 4 years ive been in and out of relationships (3) and i was cheated on and humiliated in all 3 relationships. All of em were similar cases where i walked in on my GF at the time having sex with someone else, and 2 of em just looked at me and didnt stop.. So after the third time, i said i wouldnt date ever again, not for a long time at least, cos im the type of person where i give my everything to someone from the get go, which is my weakness. Then i met my current GF, who i have been dating for over a year now, and it's been amazing, but now im really struggling.
She's given me no reason at all to not trust her, cos i do, well i think i do, but then i get really anxious and panicky when they dont reply for ages, or leave late from work. I also have this constant need to know what shes doing and where she is, cos im just so scared im gonna get hurt again, but it's doing nothing but hurting her, cos she's not done anything wrong to deserve this. I've recently started trying to keep this in from her, in hopes i can control it, but im really overwhelming myself and i cant sleep, i cant be happy (unless im there with her, cos then i know whats going etc).
The worst part about this, is that i keep getting negative things in my head, telling me that shes not replying cos shes cheating, when i know she isnt, but then i get really uneasy and anxious and have a mini panic attack.. It's not fair on her at all, and i dont wanna lose her cos shes the first person in this world to show me that there are good people out there. I dont know what to do and im losing my mind when i try to solve it.. I cant afford a counsellor, and i just dont know what to do. I haven't told her that this is driving me insane, cos i don't wanna scare her off, but she's gonna find out sooner or later and when she does, she'll probably leave me cos im not really worth the effort that'll cause in my opinion and i wouldn't blame her either..
Sorry for the long story, it was gonna be short but i kept finding myself saying more and more.