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UmbreonsMoon UmbreonsMoon

Overwhelmed by trying to save myself for my relationship

Hey guys, ill start with a backstory.

Im 21 year old male now, and over the last 4 years ive been in and out of relationships (3) and i was cheated on and humiliated in all 3 relationships. All of em were similar cases where i walked in on my GF at the time having sex with someone else, and 2 of em just looked at me and didnt stop.. So after the third time, i said i wouldnt date ever again, not for a long time at least, cos im the type of person where i give my everything to someone from the get go, which is my weakness. Then i met my current GF, who i have been dating for over a year now, and it's been amazing, but now im really struggling.

She's given me no reason at all to not trust her, cos i do, well i think i do, but then i get really anxious and panicky when they dont reply for ages, or leave late from work. I also have this constant need to know what shes doing and where she is, cos im just so scared im gonna get hurt again, but it's doing nothing but hurting her, cos she's not done anything wrong to deserve this. I've recently started trying to keep this in from her, in hopes i can control it, but im really overwhelming myself and i cant sleep, i cant be happy (unless im there with her, cos then i know whats going etc). 

The worst part about this, is that i keep getting negative things in my head, telling me that shes not replying cos shes cheating, when i know she isnt, but then i get really uneasy and anxious and have a mini panic attack.. It's not fair on her at all, and i dont wanna lose her cos shes the first person in this world to show me that there are good people out there. I dont know what to do and im losing my mind when i try to solve it.. I cant afford a counsellor, and i just dont know what to do. I haven't told her that this is driving me insane, cos i don't wanna scare her off, but she's gonna find out sooner or later and when she does, she'll probably leave me cos im not really worth the effort that'll cause in my opinion and i wouldn't blame her either..

Sorry for the long story, it was gonna be short but i kept finding myself saying more and more. 

22 Replies

  • sylwia30346 sylwia30346 UmbreonsMoon

    Hello there! I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through sad I can relate to it as I've been cheated on by my first boyfriend and it messed me up big time! I can totally understand why you feel the way you feel and that you don't want to tell your gf about it all so you don't scare her out. But...

    Does she know your past? What you had to go through? To be honest with you I would really encourage you to reconsider and tell her. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, believe me when I say, I've gone through the divorce few years ago!

    You don't have to tell her everything about your panic attacks etc (not yet anyway) but if she knew how you feel I am sure she would be able to reassure you and that would make a world of a difference to your life!!!

    How would she react do you think if you had told her?

    • UmbreonsMoon UmbreonsMoon sylwia30346

      Hey! Thanks for the reply, means a lot smile I have told her about my past so she knows all about whats happened, however, i don't know how to approach her about the constant need of reassurance, cos i know that it's just horrible having to constantly reassure someone 24/7. This is why im trying to look for a counsellor.

      In terms of reacting to me telling her, i don't really know, but i know it'll be a shock cos im not one to get stressed and panicky about things, not that she's ever seen anyways, cos i never used to be like this. It's just a really tough situation, and she's still in university in her last year, so i don't wanna give her more of my nonsense to distract her cos i know im just being silly, but its just so hard to not have negative thoughts and be worried 24/7 sad

    • sylwia30346 sylwia30346 UmbreonsMoon

      Hey. You are welcome! I know how you feel, I really do and it isn't a nice place to be! You know where all this comes from, right? Your past and as a result your low self esteem... And this is something you will need to work on now to get it back! Please don't say that the way you feel is silly (I used to do it too) because it isn't silly, it's just how you feel! And you have any reason to feel this way looking at your past! Of course you feel overwhelmed racking your brains how to get this sorted out but please start from being kind to yourself and have some compassion. You were treated horrible, it wrecked your head and it lead you to the problems you are having now - feeling low, not valuable person, someone who doesn't deserve to be loved, someone who can get easily hurt. I bet ya think everyday how lucky you are that your gf is still with you? People who get very hurt in life do think very low of themselves, but the first step is to realize it. I was in a relationship before where my ex was abusing me mentally for 11 years. You can imagine how much of my self esteem was left after that! I felt like trash, even tho he was the bully!!!

      I know how hard it is to constantly look for reassurance and I also know it isn't fair to expect the other person to reassure all the time. The thing is that you don't have to lay it out to your gf this way, I think it is important that she knows that what you had gone through left some scars and while you don't have to be asking her to pick up the phone or reply straight away every time you contact her, I think there is nothing wrong in making the other person aware that you are afraid of being hurt because of what has happened in the past. I believe you have to be honest with the other person because otherwise you will be wrecking your own head, she won't know about it and won't be able to help you, that will frustrate you even more that you do it to yourself and as a result you won't be as happy with her as you can. I can tell you from personal experience that those things take time, it takes time to trust someone and it won't be a week or month, maybe not even a year but longer. But making her aware of how you feel about your past can make her realize you need a bit of a support too. Don't tell her that you don't trust her - tell her that you were very hurt before and you are afraid to be hurt again, but you want to give all you have to her and fully commit, you are just afraid to open. People we love the most can hurt us the worst. That's just life. You need her and if she really loves and cares about you then she will understand that you do trust her but you have those flashbacks from the past that leave you restless.

      I am worried that if you let this situation to continue, you will end up getting controlling until the point when you will be so controlling that she will be sick of it and will leave. And that could be easily avoided. You have to brain wash yourself a bit and start trusting her more - I agree with Bob when it comes to this - but also you need someone to help you with it. Counseling can make miracles - I was doing CBT therapy to get my confidence back and it was the best thing I could do. I would really recommend it. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you! And I am here if you want to chat! smile

    • UmbreonsMoon UmbreonsMoon sylwia30346

      I do have a very low self esteem, i have accepted that and it is something i do try to work on. Also, im very sorry you had to go through a horrible experience for 11 years, but im happy you are out of it smile

      I guess i might just be scared that if i talk about it, it might make me seem like im too much effort to deal with (which ive been told before) and she might wanna leave me, but only one way to find out i guess.

      Ill talk to her this month, just have to summon the courage, thank you smile

    • sylwia30346 sylwia30346 UmbreonsMoon

      Thanks, I am also glad I got out of it!!! smile

      No wonder you are scared to chat to her if this is something you were told before... sad But know that you aren't!!! Once you have someone who you love and they love you and ye both respect each other then it all will work out just fine! smile

      Before you speak to her make sure you preapare and know what u want to say so you are not caught by surprise. The main thing to rememeber is that she didn't do anything wrong and you know about this so ensure you word it the way she won't get the wrong impression of the situation. Emphasize that it's the past experience that has impact on you but ensure her that you do trust her and know she wouldnt hurt you! Good luck! And let us know how u are getting on!!! ❤

    • UmbreonsMoon UmbreonsMoon sylwia30346

      Hey sorry late reply! Well just a bit of an update..

      Unfortunately it did not go so well and she has broken up with me after we spoke. She felt it would be too much pressure on her to have a relationship with someone like me, "as broken" as i am.. Oh well, i guess if she really did care she wouldve stayed but i dont blame her, its not easy dealing with someone with so many issues and i dont hate her for leaving me, just for me making her feel under a lot of pressure. Guess now that im single i can focus on whatever can make me as happy as i was.

      Thanks for trying with the advice, a shame it didnt go to plan but oh well!

    • sylwia30346 sylwia30346 UmbreonsMoon

      Hi! I'm really sorry to hear that!! But you know what, everything happens for a reason and of she couldn't deal with this and suport you, then let it be, maybe it's for the better! You have opportunity now to work on yourself and your inner you, change the way you think, be calmer and pick up your confidence! Use this time to get bettet. And remember you are not broken!! wink You will find someone who deserves you x

  • borderriever borderriever UmbreonsMoon

    Moon

    Be very careful you do not want to frighten Her away?

    I was very much the same as you my first relationship ended after three years and I did not go on dates for several years afterwards and that was very tragic as I missed so much over that time. My next relationships I was very possessive and all it did was drive people away from me..

    You have someone who seems to like you and both of you would seem to need each other. Try and trust and bite your lip, life is full of problems that can break relationships. Do not make any more problems and live for the day.

    You have been with Her now for a decent time and She is still with you. That says something so be thankful and live for the day. To find someone to love where both of you are close is the greatest gift that can be given. I have been married over forty years, great companionship and we know what is going to be said before it is spoken etc

    Enjoy your time together, LIVE FOR THE DAY

    BOB

    • UmbreonsMoon UmbreonsMoon borderriever

      Hey! Thanks for the reply, means a lot [smile].

      The last thing i wanna do is drive her away, and i've been trying to take each day as it comes, and leave the worries for another day, and focus on what i need to for that day. Just sometimes, when i find myself alone with my thoughts, i cant actually seem to throw them aside and focus on something else. I play A LOT of games, and while playing im fine, its when im not busy is when it just hits me like a rock..

      But i will do my best, to just focus on each day, one day at a time.

      Thanks Bob!

       

    • borderriever borderriever UmbreonsMoon

      Moon

      We all have our fears when we meet someone we  love, this is part of life and love we all suffer. Sometimes I wonder when younger if it is caused by our own inadeuatcy and fears we will be found out lacking in what that person thinks of us. In your case what you mentioned, you will have scars and you need to move on from that, It is hard I know, you are in a position where to show fear will make matters worse.

      All I can really advise is keep showing your love and keep telling her how much, you could tell her regards your hurt, if you feel that will help, although understand that could cause a change in how much She loves you. Remember to love is one of the very base instincts we all feel and given that you need to understand your Partners way of thinking, you both need to feel for each other and move on to a possible life together

      BOB

    • UmbreonsMoon UmbreonsMoon borderriever

      That's what im afraid of however, that i tell all of this and she doesnt love me anymore, or feels like im just too much of a hassle. But i guess, theres only one way to really find out, and ill have to face it sooner or later, so rather the sooner the better.

    • mrs56544 mrs56544 UmbreonsMoon

      I agree - in case you haven't done it already - just get it over with & give her a chance to help you instead of driving yourself crazy. wink

      You have nothing to lose - if she reacts the way you fear she wasn't the right one anyway & would have hurt you sooner or later regardless...that said, it doesn't sound like she will react by not loving you anymore or thinking you are too much of a hassle - she loves you, so why should she react like that? wink

      I am sure she can see that, rationally, you know that she is not like your exes but your fears sometimes get the better of you. I am sure she will appreciate that you want to work on you to improve the relationship for the both of you & I am sure she doesn't want you to worry so much & be happy instead. It is not fair to punish her for other people's behaviour because she is a different person & you can see that - that is very important imo. You are well aware where the issue comes from & that you are the one who needs to work on it - not anyone else. You don't want to put a burden on her, you don't expect her to resolve your issue - all you want is her to help you, support you & some additional reassurance - that is not too much asked & should be normal in a relationship - we all have our issues. wink

      Stop driving yourself crazy - I am sure what your exes did was horrible, I really don't understand how people can be this way, but give yourself the chance to get over that & enjoy your relationship without those "women" popping in your head all the time - you should focus on your present relationship, your girlfriend & yourself...they don't deserve a place in your head or life anymore, so kick them out. wink Easier said than done - I am sure, but when you are open about the issue & work on it, I am sure you can over come this step by step. (In the worst case, look for professional help if that would help you)

      Talk to her, think about what you want to say (as others suggested) & give yourself the chance to move on & happy - you deserve it. I wish you all the best. smile

    • UmbreonsMoon UmbreonsMoon mrs56544

      Hey sorry late reply! Unfortunately it did not go so well and she has broken up with me after we spoke. She felt it would be too much pressure on her to have a relationship with someone like me, "as broken" as i am.. Oh well, i guess if she really did care she wouldve stayed but i dont blame her, its not easy dealing with someone with so many issues and i dont hate her for leaving me, just for me making her feel under a lot of pressure.

       

    • borderriever borderriever UmbreonsMoon

      Moon

      Sorry for your loss, I went out with a girl that had mental health issues and spent a good time having treatments and respite in Mental Health Hospital.

      At that time I had my own issues and sad to say I had to let Her go, it was a sad day when I said goodbye. Sometimes if our needs are within a conflict with someone else it is best to let go and begin again. However I still wonder if now She is married and has controlled Her illness.

      Good luck, we all have relationships in the past that do not work for us at that time,Whatever happens in the future can be a different story

      BOB

    • mrs56544 mrs56544 UmbreonsMoon

      Thank you for updating us - it is much appreciated. wink

      I am sorry it went this way though & I hope you manage to get over it soon. I have to say I am actually surprised she reacted that way since she knew about your past, so I would assume she could have known it left some emotional scares. But if she had really loved you she wouldn't have given up on you & the relationship that easily - I guess you most likely saved yourself from some heartache down the road tbh (if that is any comfort atm).

      Despite the outcome you can be proud of yourself for having the courage to face your fear though - I think that is great. Now you can focus on yourself, get better & get over your issue so it will hopefully not effect you in your next relationship. smile I only hope that she reacted the way she did did not leave more scares & will not cause you to not talk & be open about such things in the future. A relationship is never only roses & sunshine, but sometimes also work for roses & sunshine - maybe that is something she still has to learn. Me & my husband are both difficult people with issues (some similar, some we don't neccessarily understand) - I have never thought of him as too broken, or too much of a piece of work, but rather of my man that I want to be happy, support & encourage as much as he needs & he does the same...what I mean is, when you find the right person she will stay by your side & not drop you like this because you have an issue to work on. wink Maybe it was for the better - sometimes things start to make sense years later & I am sure you will find a great girl one day (though I am sure you don't really care to think about that at the moment). 

      Anyway, I hope you will eventually manage to overcome your past & leave it behind for good. I wish you all the best. Stay strong. wink

    • UmbreonsMoon UmbreonsMoon mrs56544

      Thank you, yeah thats how im seeing it. At least the heartbreak is now and not later down the line. I dont think im going to actively try to date at all for a few years, just try to focus on fixing myself (if at all possible) and then start again. It has made me feel like sharing isnt a smart idea but not sharing is even worse, so wont worry about that.

      Thanks! You too!

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