Overwhelming insecurities and jealousy within relationship

Posted , 6 users are following.

I'm not sure if this is the right forum so I'm going to be posting on a few others too.

My depression is at its heights at the moment. Started a few days ago, constant crying and feeling very very low and angry too.

Anyway, my partner was texting a woman who he claims to have known from when he used to do horse riding. He says he's speaking to her to arrange for his younger sister to go riding.. but the problem is.. as an example I'm going to use my birthday. Which was Thursday. So we woke up in the morning we'd both been awake a while and it took for me to say to him "aren't you going to wish me happy birthday" to say it to me but he'd basically started messaging the woman as soon as he woke up.

The same happened not yesterday but the day before, normally we spend the morning together. ( as I can't work and he's currently between jobs) but he hadn't spoke to me all morning, but was texting her. I saw the conversation and they weren't flirting from what I could see but it just made me feel like he was more interested in talking to her than spending time with me.

Now, we do both have a few trust issues, he's due to being hurt in past relationship and mine due to my mental illnesses. We know it's not a good thing and most of the time we are fine. He goes out and does whatever he does and I stay home as I don't go out much, and everything is fine.

But previously he has got annoyed and insecure about a male friend of mine and has asked me to block him on social media and not talk to him. So I did.

I'm not the type to be that way toward a partner but as I'm going through a rough patch and my head is all over the place which makes my insecurities strengthen, I asked him not to talk to her or at least not spend so much time talking to her. And he didn't exactly refuse but said he isn't disowning he's friends. Baring in mind we've been together a long time now and he speaks to me about all of his friends and I have never heard him mention her not once. So I'm thinking she must be a new friend. Maybe she's not even who he says she is. Anyway when I bought it up to him that when he asked me to not talk to my friend I stopped and respected how he felt about it and he's response was "well you can talk to him then".

This bothers me because it seems to me that he thinks it's one rule for him and another for me. Why all of a sudden am I "aloud" to talk to my friend just because I pulled him up on the fact that I stopped talking to him when he asked but he won't do the same for me temporarily.

It's making me think he's interested in her in a way he shouldn't be if he's with me.

He keeps saying "we are just friends" but myself and My male friend we generally just friends and he still didn't want me talking to him.

I don't know what to do or say or think. He has now blocked her number on his phone but I can't help but think he's either just changed the name of the contact to something else or he is talking to her else where on social media or something.

He says things like "I don't have many friends" blah blah blah.. but the point is I used to see my friends near enough everyday before we got together and after a while he didn't like me hanging out with them because there were often guys around which were friends of my friends. So I stopped seeing all of my friends. And when I tried to rebel and get him used to me seeing my friends for an hour or a half every now and then he'd be stressy and accuse me of cheating when I came home. (Baring in mind the friends I used to see live right next door, so it's not like I was out gallivanting.)

I know this all sounds childish and a lot of people will say we shouldn't be together if we can't trust each other but it hasn't been a major problem until now.

And I don't want my jealousy to push him away, nor do I want these constant feelings that he's going behind my back, or he's going to get bored of me because I don't go out much so we can't do social things together which might lead him to wanting someone else because they can offer more than I can. And are more interesting or exciting than me.

I don't know what to do, the more I try not to let it bother me the more my mind finds little things to get jealous over.

I'm aware most of it is probably in my head or I'm just thinking too far into things but don't want this to come between us because other than the odd disagreement and this situation we get on really well and are (as far as I know) generally happy together. I just can't handle my insecurities but it feels as though he's triggering them on purpose and it is probably in my head that he's triggering them because deep down I don't think he'd want me to feel this way but I can't kick these worries.

Does anyone else understand or expierence this? Does any one have any advice to calm my mind?

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Well personally I would be LIVID if my husband was texting another woman especially so much that it was causing issues and causing me to worry. It's definitely contradictory that you aren't allowed to have any guy friends but he can have girls as friends bc he doesn't have many friends. That's complete bs. You need to just sit him down and be 100% honest and tell him how you feel. Are you on any medication for depression? If not this may help. But don't let him make you think you're being crazy or jealous bc it's completely normal how you're feeling especially if he's flirting with this girl and you saw it with your own eyes. I wouldn't like that or trust that at all.

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  • Posted

    Hiw does he make you "feel"? Forget all the stuff yiu write..how do you feel?

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    • Posted

      Most of the time he makes me feel happy and very content. Which I haven't felt in a relationship in a very long time. It's just when my mental health is on a high it all seems to come to light.

      He hasn't been flirting from what I can see but it just bugs me that he was paying her so much attention. And all of a sudden he wants to work on a farm that I'm 80% sure she either works at or regularly visits. -.-

      The last few days when we've spoke about this he's made me feel like he tries to turn it around so that it seems like it's just my insecurities playing up. Which it may well be, but I'm not sure.

      And Yes I am on medication for depression, have been for a very very long time.

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    • Posted

      All you can do is be aware. I cant tell if it your insecurities here. Sometimes it can be a gut feeling and you kindly excuse it because of your issues. I dont know. These convos can never go well. 

      How long have the two of you been together? Does he seem to be hapoy?

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  • Posted

    Hello kellie I have answered your letter on another page

    Good Luck

    Keep a hold

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  • Posted

    Hi Kellie,

    Yeah trust issues are difficult and upsetting.

    It's sounds like his behaviour or thoughts of how u perceive them are fuelling ur depressive thoughts. It's hard cos u need to concentrate on getting u better.

    Mobile phones are both a joy and nightmare.

    I'm sure ur mind is thinking the worst.

    I think u should be honest with him and tell him that ur feeling insecure.

    Maybe he is becoming a bit frustrated at the situation. This could be a good opportunity for him to put his cards on the table and tell u if he is feeling frustrated about the trust issues.


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  • Posted


    There's a book called "Why Does He Do That" I hope you read it.  I wish every woman and man would read it and teach it to their daughters and their sons.  Women do not have a clue about self respect.  We show people how we expect to be treated.  If we tolerate unhealthy behaviour, it will continue and likely get worse. Please go to domestic violence sites and start reading.  Look at the Power Wheel. Please do not tolerate it!

    For me?  I would walk out that door never look back.  

    Hope you get the courage to expect more from him or leave.  The double standard is unacceptable IMO.

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