Painkiller addiction - can't handle the lies

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Hi, when I started dating my partner he had a Valium & painkiller addiction i wasn't aware of. I found out about this and he has stopped taking Valium however the painkiller addiction is extremely bad. We have spoken about it and he had admitted he knows he has a problem and wants me to go with him to visit his GP. He has asked me to keep the pills and only give him the prescribed amount the problem is, he has started getting them elsewhere. I can tell straight away if he has taken a lot by his speech and eyes. The thing is, i know this won't be easy and i expected him to do this but the issue is that even when i say i know he's taken something and i ask him what/how much he has taken he lies. I mean totally takes it to extremes blaming me for not trusting him and saying it's all in my head. No matter how much i push it he won't tell the truth. I've said as long as he's honest I'll support him but the lies will make me leave. Even knowing this he will lie until he's blue in the face and only own up if i find pills in his jeans. Why can't he just tell me the truth when he knows I'll support him, the lying will make he leave and he knows this so why is that not enough to make him be honest? I have no experience of addiction whatsoever and i feel really alone, frustrated and helpless just now. Can anyone offer any advice? Thanks.

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  • Posted

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties...

    You must love your partner, and he you, I am certain of that...

    The sadness you feel is of course expected, but. And it is a BIG BUT...addiction has an incredible hold on you...

    I was an alcoholic for very many years..I was sectioned four times into a mental health hospital...I would be okay for a while, but I started drinking again...

    I totally understand his reactions, you are so ashamed of being weak and hurting others,...honestly...but the sheer terror and panic of running out, makes you hide them everywhere......in the garage... in the garden., in every drawer you have in the house...even in the HUGE COMPOST HEAP...looking in there was a nightmare as it was soooo large...in fell asleep in their drunk one night...so he will hate himself, but like me he is scared..what I did was..I bought a bottle of vodka...and kept in the kitchen and just knowing it was there if I got desperate, helped me so much. I eventually gave up....he needs to know that you will accept any slips. Let him know that he can keep some , but not a large amount...he needs the pressure taken of him.....he may be scared of being in pain as they were prescribed for him...just ease of a little...

    AND. I THINK THAT YOU ARE TRULY AMAZING XXX HE OWES HIS LIFE TO YOU....BOTH OF YOU IN MY PRAYERS.

    HUGE WARM HUGS TO YOU BOTH,,,YOU CAN DO IT...XXXXXXX..

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    • Posted

      Hiya, thanks so much for getting back to me. Your response got me quite emotional, think it was just a mixture of your kindness and seeing things from the other side, seeing what my partner is going through. Your story of what you have been through has really opened my eyes to seeing things in a different way and it's amazing what you have come through, you must feel so very proud. I know deep down that my partner doesn't want to be the person he has become, he wants to be better but sometimes when the lies are coming and he is blaming me it is easy to forget that, and when this happens i get so frustrated and i shout which i now realise is wrong. It's just so heartbreaking watching it happen and not being able to fix it. I want to be there for him and i will be, i just can't seem to get him to realise that i mean it when i say he can be honest with me. I came on here as i just feel at a total loss and i think just seeking some reassurance that it is worth fighting for and things can get better. I don't have anyone to speak to about it as nobody else knows. Thanks for listening xxx

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    • Posted

      Hi Dja

      Firstly, well done for sticking with him upto now, I know it is very hard for you, telling him to be honest with you as that is all you want!

      I won't bore you with all the in's & outs of my addiction, just to say that I was addicted to Oxycontin through degenerative discs in my back & my Dr had me on enough to kill 4 horses, not just one!!! Lol.

      I am now off Oxycontin but am on methadone as a replacement but am now reducing that & i know i am through the addiction now also.

      This is not your boyfriends doing believe me, he was probably really kind & caring before the addiction but, once that takes a hold of you, you will do almost anything to get that little pill. It's hard to believe what I turned into looking back. I too gave my pills to my partner to hide from me, she would give me my prescribed dose & that was to last me the day, but, i would always find them!!! No matter where she hid them, i would search till I found them. The guilt I felt was horrible as it felt like I was stealing from her!! But, when that craving hits, it's like nothing else in the world is as strong & it just takes over your whole body & you have no control at all.

      He said he wants you to go to the Dr's with him which must mean that he does want help. Go with him & ask for help also as there will be someone that can help you.

      Please be prepared for the rough times even though he wants help. But if he sticks at it he will get there.

      You sound an amazing person sticking with him through this. If you have any questions then please just ask me.

      Good luck & god bless you both

      Richie xx

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    • Posted

      Hiya Richie

      Thanks very much for replying to me. Reading your response has given me hope that it can be done and that there is a chance that we cab beat this.

      Just now i am finding it a little more difficult as we hit what i would call an all time low on Friday. It turns out that my partner has started taking Valium again, i found this out as i was contacted whilst at work on Friday by someone he owed money to. A drug dealer i guess. He has been getting Valium pills from this person and had ran up a bill that he wasn't able to pay and so they came to me. I don't know of this just makes me come across as a doormat but i arranged to meet this guys gf and pay the money. The reason i done this, it wasn't really for my partner, it was because i was told if it wasn't paid they were going to his mum for the money. No matter how upset i was with my partner at that point i just couldn't put that onto his mum, that would be so so awful.

      Anyway, as i say, it really was a low for us but in a way i can also see it as a kind of blessing in disguise as it led to us having the most open and honest conversation we have ever had about it all. We sat for hours chatting it all through, he said he had been off Valium for several months and got to the stage he felt he was in control of it. He felt he would be able to have maybe one or two and it would all be ok. He couldn't. He was back to taking up to 20 in a day and the more he was taking the more he was wanting.

      He has admitted the problem is more than we thought but he seems so so desperate to change it.

      The part I'm finding really difficult is that his behaviour this past month (the period he had been back on them) has been horrible. The way he speaks, the things he said, the way our relationship has really hit breaking point a few times. I'm finding all of this quite difficult to shake off whereas my partner has admitted that he doesn't really remember all of these things and hasn't noticed things going bad between us so i worry that he's not seeing the full extent of the damage it's doing.

      I am still of the mindset that i want to stay and support and i am getting so much better at trying to understand it rather than be angry with it and i think that's what led to him speaking to me about it. It does seem like a massive mountain to climb at the minute and the fact he has been back on Valium again has really left me quite heartbroken as this was a thing he had continually being saying he is so proud of beating.

      I just really really hope he is meaning what he says about wanting to get help as sometimes i do worry that i am just being taken for a mug.

      Thanks again for listening xx

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    • Posted

      Wow!!! You really have been through it haven't you! And I thought I was bad steeling my own tablets!!

      To be completely honest with you, if he has said that he will go to the Dr's & wants you to go with him then that is what I would do.

      Get him to make an appointment & go with him & ask his Dr for help for you as you really do need help also. There is loads of help out there for family etc of people on drugs & you do need help on how to deal with what he is putting you through or you will end up going crazy!

      If he makes the appointment then great, you have something to stick around for & look forward to, but, if he doesn't make a Dr's appointment or keeps putting it off or says he can't get an appointment for 12months, then you have a decision to make.

      All the very best to you both xx

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    • Posted

      Lol you're first wee paragraph made me laugh there, thank you 😊

      I think it's so great that you have beaten something like this and can have a sense of humour about it. What you've acheived is amazing and i see you as an inspiration and something to work towards, so thank you for that.

      We have made an appointment to see his Dr this week, the fact he has made it has given me some hope.

      Thanks so much for your advice and encouragement, it's exactly what i need at this time and i greatly appreciate you taking the time to respond to me xx

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    • Posted

      Thats great that he has made the appointment, im so pleased that he has!! It does really sound that he's had enough & he wants help to get off that stuff.

      Please let us know how it goes & if you need any help at all you know where to come.

      Take care xx

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    • Posted

      Hi

      How was the appointment?

      I rally hope for both your sakes that he did actually go to the appointment with you & you have both got the help you so desperately need

      Ritchie xx

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    • Posted

      Hi Ritchie

      Prepare yourself, you'll be sorry you asked!!!

      We did both go see his doctor and he has an appointment with an addiction nurse on the 8th. Unfortunately however i have made the decision to end the relationship.

      It's actually not to do with the drugs as i meant what i said about sticking by him. Can't actually believe what I'm about to write, feel like i should be on Jeremy kyle!! Less than a week ago i found messages on his phone from a man, discussing meeting up. My partner gave me a really extravagant story about this man contacting him saying he found his details on a website and that he was arranging to meet him to confront him and establish how he got his number. Anyway, long story short, i spoke to the man myself and it transpired that my partner is on a website called Gaydar having really graphic conversations, sharing photos, arranging to meet etc. Again, i discussed it with him, he promised he'd never actually met any of them, he was just curious. So i decided to take some time out to think things through as he promised to stop it all.

      Being the psycho that i am i logged onto his emails/facebook as it was niggling me and discovered he also has a twitter account. So i looked at it, it was disgusting, the things he was saying/posting, all public for the world to see and all as recent as an hour before i looked. There were hundreds, constant messaging to everyone and anyone but mostly transsexuals (but really anyone male, female, young, old..)

      Also on his fb there was a message to someone i have never met where he was telling them i was pregnant!!! Not true!! And a message to his ex wife telling her he wanted a divorce as i was pregnant (his ex wife is unable to have children) but that he loves her so much.

      He seems to be a fantasist as a lot of the stuff he says on these chats with strangers is all intrue as well. I have no doubt that these things are all addictions/problems that he needs help with but i just feel it has went too far now for us to save this as he just isn't the person i thought he was, in fact, i don't know him at all. Even last night he messaged someone saying he had ended things with me as i was too paranoid. He just won't stop and i am going through a few health things myself at the minute and i feel that needs all of my focus.

      I am still though, in my head at times thinking maybe if he just got help as he keeps asking me to stay, saying it will be the end of him if i leave and that he can't cope without me. Deep down though i know that i need to put myself first this time.

      I have asked to meet his sister later as i don't feel comfortable just leaving him with no support but just unsure how much i should really tell her.

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    • Posted

      I am running very fast!! Lol

      I am laughing but i am really heartbroken over it all. I have just had a really long chat with his sister as i didn't want to just walk away with nobody being there to support him. Nothing i told her seemed to come as much of a shock unfortunately and she herself told me to walk and never look back.

      I don't hate him, i just hate what he has done to us. I am finding it difficult to get my head around it all but i am a strong person, i should be able to come away from this relatively unscathed lol (she says but turns into an untrusting, sceptical, paranoid wreck for evermore!! Lol )

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    • Posted

      Ooooops!!!!!

      Oh my God!!!

      You are an amazing person sticking by him through all of what he was going through & to talk to his sister so at least someone from his family knows of his issues.......... ..then all that lot!!! WOW!!! He seriously needs help & i really think Jeremy Kyle maybe a good start!!!!

      Seriously though, you really have done everything you possibly can do to help him but, by the sound of things he's beyond any normal help!!!

      I know it's hard for you but I'm just glad you found all this out, sorry but WOW!!!!

      You now need to think about you & your health & put you first & move on. Someone as kind & caring as you, you won't be on your own long.

      Good luck with everything, I really do hope everything turns out great for you.

      Take care

      Ritchie xx

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    • Posted

      Hi Ritchie

      Thanks so much for taking the time to always reply, you're words have helped me greatly each time you have responded and i really appreciate that.

      It's all very surreal but i do believe that any bad situation you go through in life can only make you stronger so onwards and upwards from here on in!

      Thanks again.

      Debbie x

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    • Posted

      Your not you're! sorry, his drugs must be mashing my brain now!!! Lol (i know it's not a laughing matter, just trying to make light of it where i can!)

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