Paranoid or not?
Posted , 5 users are following.
Hope this works I'm sitting in my car in the car park, scared, shaking and thinking that people are conspiring to get me especially at work. I don't know who to trust anymore. I don't know what to say to who or what anymore. I've tried being open and honest but seem to be digging myself into a large hole. I want to run away but from who? Is it me? Or is the people after me. My heads in a spin, just don't know what to do. been having lots of weird dreams, suicidal thoughts again this week, hurting myself trying to make things feel real. Debating going walking up in the hills in the rain at least no one can get me there as no one will know where I am. Not sure if this makes sense but needed to put this somewhere. Thanks. X
2 likes, 9 replies
Guest tina89895
Posted
tina89895 Guest
Posted
Hi Ian no there isn't I don't know who I can trust at present or rely on but I got back to the car just before it got dark, soaked, took some diazepam while out so calmed down a bit but the thoughts of being picked on, being made to feel inadequate, I am useless anyway, so they can get rid of me have not gone. The rivers were in full spate thoughts of jumping in were there too, would of been washed away and smacked on the rocks I find water so hypnotic. Spoke to my sister by phone before she's gone out this evening but talked as if nothing is wrong. I've got to get through this weekend now, typical bank holidays. Still feel very on edge, alone and abandonned by the system at present. Will try not to drink too much either as I have taken drugs but it is a way of escape for a while. Everyone try and have a good night. Thank you for all your help this year it is much appreciated at least I have made it so far. xx
raul67182 tina89895
Posted
Tina, Listen to me !
I have just come out of severe depression, hallucination and paranoia that everyone is out to get me.
It was finally when even my GP insulted me and threw me out for being fed up with my constant moping that I realised NO ONE WILL HELP ME and that I HAVE TRICK MY BRAIN INTO BEING HAPPY AGAIN !
And a day of just being positive speakign to people in person , over hte telephone etc.. and pretending to be happy, I automatically got my brain into control !
I know it sounds really really difficult, because I went into the A & E as well, with severe hallucinations where I even saw people wiht WINGS and threatening to fly away, it was THAT BAD .. You are still way better than what i was feeling.
I suggest just hold yourself together and TRICK YOUR BRAIN quick!
Just pretend you are positive and keep telling yoruself you are happy .. .and seriously start behaving happy and joking around people..... a few days and you do NOT even need medicine .. I REFUSED to give in to medication .... although my GP confirmed I was unfit for work !
Its all changed now.... one by one some positives happened and its dominoed into me getting BACK TO NORMAL all over again. ANd this time, I have realised never to get back to that situation and let myeslf low evne if i dont like it !
tina89895 raul67182
Posted
Thanks for your reply, I have been back at work over a year talking to people, socialising, going to the gym exercise classes, going out walking with a friend, visiting my grandchildren. It is not for the want of trying. I have had 16 weeks interpersonal therapy which I am trying to follow the conclusions from this to. I have a lot more issues which I am waiting to talk to someone about but taht is another story. Both my GP nas psychiatrist say it is better for me to be at work too. It is more my work that is making me like this, I had an OHS assessment after walking out as got over stressed and the people to turn to were all off so took more pills than I should got told off for putting other members of staff in a difficult position. I got told in a meeting in front of everyone the other day that half of my work in being transferred to another office due to reconstruction, shock to me made me feel very inadequate, stupid and embarressed. The temp manager apologised for not telling me before hand she thought I knew. I am suppose to cut my hours for 8-12 weeks for self management but I have to report to my manager what I am doing during that hour daily. Once this 12 weeks is over if I do not perform up to standard disaplinary action will be takien. I have seen this happen before it is their way to get rid of me without paying out money. I am trying to be normal but the tiniest thing tips me over the edge. I binge eat, drink, self harm, abuse alcohol and drugs at times even the OHS doctor said I am likely to commit suicide accidently. I'm just getting so tired of keep trying time and time again.
I'm glad you managed to pull yourself out of this black hole, I do try but I'm so fed up, p off and can't see the point at this precise moment in time. I gave up AD ages ago just got diazepam when required, restricted to 4 a week. Was prescribed Sertraline 4 weeks ago but haven't taken it as I do not want to go through all the side effects starting and stopping and during.
You keep up those positive thoughts. Best wishes Tina x
raul67182 tina89895
Posted
and the moment i stopped abusing alcohol because i was binge drinking even hours before i would get to work.... that i realised this wasnt good for me !
if this job isnt worthwhile... look out for another which could make you feel better and doesnt have as much pressure ?
trying isnt going to be enough .. because honestly i know what you are feeling .. and it will always feel as if NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND OR EVEN WANTS TO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE FEELING
and that makes it worse becuase honestly , seroiusly , NO ONE REALLY CARES APART FROM THE SPORADIC SYMPATHY VOTES !
I now see depressed people and only because i went through the paranoia and breakdown ( luckily i am not schizophrenic although it does exist a bit in one or two individuals within my family skipping generations at times , but did have hallucinations and paranoia)
I personally feel you have to wake up every mornign , keep real discipline and have short term and long term goals.. i know its easy to say because im not experiencing it you are , but you have to inculcate discipline and it truly helps
and always note when you stay positive and suddnely after a whole bout of successive failures when the postiive happens , immediatley a series of positive events follow suit and suddnely your mind feels at ease
Try it my friend... just discipline yourself and keep a disciplined regimen.... and see how it goes !
tehre were times i would scream at my poor old mother of 63 years , and blame her for all the affairs she had , all the dysfunctionality of my parents living as a couple, all the sibling rivalry that i had wiht my sibling , all the bullying i had in school all the jokes made at my expense , all those times i got rjeceted in my early days by people i fancied, I JUST COULDNT SEE THE LIGHT AT ALL ! AT ALL !
well things have changed... and i dont know how long .. but what i know is because i KNOW how it felt in that hole i was in , that even if im unhappy I wont LET MYSLEF GET BACK INTO IT ... and thats by tricking my brain , keeping a discipline and regimen that works for me
All the best to you.. Im sorry you dont think my words are helping , but the cliche soemtiems is all one can give you... YOU HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOURSELF COZ THE REST OF US CAN ONLY SYMPATHISE AND SOMETIMES EMPATHISE ....
No one else but YOU can help yourself out of it
tina89895 raul67182
Posted
Thanks Raul.
I know it is down to me and me only. At least I haven't got to the point in drinking during the day as I have to drive to work. I've only got 3 years left before getting my works pension, now I wish I had taken the package offered eary this year but then I would of had to move too as the money wasn't enough to pay for everything. Another bad decision on my part but wasn;t in the right place to make those big decisions.
Thank you for taking the time in replying and yes your words do make sense so don't think they don't help, enjoy the rest of your evening, maybe just maybe 2017 will be better for us all.
Digsby tina89895
Posted
Hi Tina,
I did reply to your post when I saw it but my stupid internet connection lost it (technology & I are not friends!!) I wanted to tell you that you do have people who care about you and want you to be safe. It's OK to have those times when you want to be at one with nature....just make sure you come home to tell us all about it afterwards. We each tread a tough road that only we can go on. But we do have companions along the way. We are here to support you when you need us. I went through bullying with my last work situation and eventual dismissal when I got too depressed to cope....I didn't have the energy to fight or appeal. Do your best and keep your head down (below the parapet). Let the future take care of itself - don't waste your time worrying about what might or might not happen. You can only live one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Do whatever you need to do to help yourself through it. Sending you hugs xx
tina89895 Digsby
Posted
Hi Digsby
Technology is great when it works isn't it!! Thank you for your concerns, sorry you had a hard time with your employer too, it is hard for them too I suppose as they don't necessary understand just have to follow procedures. I'm dreading it, just want to stick two fingers up to them but I know my boss is just doing what he is told from higher up, that;s the government for you. Hard to keep my head down as I have a public facing job I keep getting told off for avoiding speaking to the public as it is part of my job. If I hang on and things don't improve the union seems to think they might offer me a deal to go.
Slightly better day today, mind still going hundred miles an hour, trying to write stuff down in relation to the borderline assessment I had ages ago as other stuff has arisen which is very upsetting and distressing, trying to move on but it all keeps coming back so that isn't helping, so filling out more forms for that to give to someone to see if that helps.
Visited the grandkids today had lovely hugs and kisses from them, just got to keep those images in my head.
Best wishes for 2017 and take care of yourself, thank you for the hugs. xx
Digsby tina89895
Posted
I'm so glad that you had some quality family time today. My original post to you expressed how much I wanted to give you a real hug but I know how hard human contact can be....so you'll just have to take mine virtually!!
Yes, I sympathised with my employer at the time (the NHS). I had to deal with the public (hospital staff not patients) and it was very stressful at times. The thing is that what you are suffering is not your fault. You're doing the best you can. See if you can imagine that each member of the public you come into contact with is a close friend or family member and you want to communicate with them as gently as you can, despite the turmoil that is going on beneath the surface. Alternatively, imagine they are having the worst day of their lives, or experiencing exactly what you are going through. Treat them the way you would like to be treated yourself. I know it's difficult but you have come a long way and I think you're doing great. You have your retirement target in your sights so keep taking one step towards that goal :-)
Take care of yourself too Sweetie xx