parents

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i am coming out of depression and looking better, went to see my mum today and she said uve let your self go i thought i looked nice.. hurt why do they do this 

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  • Posted

    Hi Julie. Presumably your mum has a habit of being too honest or liking to be negative. It says a lot more about her than it does about you. She should have said how lovely it was you visited.
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  • Posted

    Hi Julie, 

    That sounds disappointing. But try to think of it this way - what does it matter what your Mum thinks?! The important thing is how you feel and what you think!! 

    My Mum has made comments about my weight before, "Are you putting on a bit of a belly?" "Did you put on some weight". It really hurt me, especially if I hadn't even noticed. I couldn't help but feel jealous and resentful that she praised my elder overweight sister for having lost a few pounds when she'd see her but she noticed every time I put on just a few! It didn't feel fair. .  .. So I can relate to how you're feeling. 

    But never mind your Mum! Certainly I feel that you look great in your picture!! smile And life is not all about looks either. You're a woman with a more than a body. You have a soul, a mind, feelings, talent, intelligence. I'm sure the list goes on. Your appearance does not define you. And neither should the words of your mother. 

    Onwards and upwards Julie! Take it with a pinch of salt and try and shake it off like water off a duck's back! You're stronger than this! wink 

    Agirl xxx

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  • Posted

    Hi Julie, It does sound like your mother is being hurtful and putting you down What is on the inside is what counts, you look lovely on your photo anyway. Just see it has her problem, maybe she cannot be happy for you, she should of been happy that you visited her. Next time try saying something like " Actually i feel well which is why i came to visit you so we could spend sometime together " What could she say to that.
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    • Posted

      That sounds like the best way. I had these problems thou with my father, he was always critical and nasty, it took me years to realise that it was his problem, i spent too much time trying to please him but it was never to be.
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    • Posted

      thanks for the reply. i dont understand why i really think i looked well do say that to me hurt i am trying so hard to do all the right things and she cant phase me on that when i told her im going groups she said nothing x
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    • Posted

      You should not have to do all of the right things...that makes it sound as though she is a headmistress and you are anaughty girl at school not getting your home work right. You don't need your mother;'s approval or advice at that age.
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    • Posted

      My father was very critical and nasty, my mother can be critical and superior and jealous at times. It suits them if we keep trying to please them but why should we ? We are grown adults and can say and do as we please, same as they do.
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    • Posted

      Good morning.

      Where people often go wrong in these situations is trying to give advice. If we said that someone had punched us in the eye and it had upset us nobody would be daft enough to say do this and do that but when someone hurts us more in an emotional way they think this is helpful.

      If you analyse this for a moment it makes no sense. We are fed up with being criticised by the one who hurt us and this hurts. Whether it is because they find fault, because they ar enot interested or they are not approving in something. THEIR behaviour and way of looking at something has hurt us. FULL STOP. No amount of advice can change that. If the person could shrug it off and forget it they would not be upset about it and sharing it and still thinking about it hours later. They are not reaching out for silly advice like "forget it" they are reaching out for someone who cares about how they feel beca\use someone who does not care about how they feel ha\s hurt them.

      And when someone starts to tell them what to do they are in a wy doing the same thing as the person who hurt them, criticising them, becuase they are telling them to do things differently and not acceptint them for who they are.

      But Julie please try to remember that when someone ise vulnerable to being easily hurt and nasty people kinow this they take advantage. If your mum knows you want her to care or want her to approve and she is bitter and twisted inside she uses this against you. The more you show you want her love or approval the less she will give it, it is a power game.

      My sister was never criticised and she was always praised or let off of things. I was constantly criticised or bossed about. The reason was that I was thin skinned and lacked confidence so people take advantage of it.

      As for going on courses! Well if they are supposedly to buld up your confidence they can only be a good thing but you can hardly expect your mum to be glad that you are growing a backbone, that is the lst thing she wants. She would much prefer that you continue to be timid and weak and easily hurt.

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    • Posted

      hi she didnt have the back bone to help her self. sod her i dont think she meant harm she can be insentive when she talks to people hurtfull to many! she should think when it comes to her children! shes not a well woman inside and out let her self go 30 years ago sometimes i wish she would want me like her NO CHANCE. thats for reply x
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    • Posted

      Hi Julie. Well if your mum is unwell maybe that is an excuse. I know that was the ca\se with my father - I wont go into details here in public - but he was far worse than your mum and it was awful for years. People were always trying to advise me on the obvious stupid things and had no idea.
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    • Posted

       The parents critize to get a reaction.. it's a pattern of behavior the mom does to control Julie. That's the emotional pain Julie shows when her mom makes critical comments..( of course it a natural reaction to feel upset) ..

      I suggested that she not show them the emotional pain the mom causes Julie. If Julie changes her reaction to her mom's critical behaviors by not presenting her emotional pain to her mom after the comment. This in turn is not what her mom expects.. Her mom receives no payoff  for the comment. She wants the control and power over her daughter's life and it's a that painful emotional reaction her mum wants to see ..it's that reaction that was the intension to stop. That's the pattern of control ....break the response ...break the pattern. U cannot change someone else however you can change your behaviors and patterns. 

      if Julie breaks the pattern by not reacting the usual way her mom expects her to, then it's a start in breaking the negative critical cycle .

      I'm sure there r many other techniques for a response. Many of is have grown up with difficult parents. I chose this technique hoping to  BREAK the FAMILY PATTERNS that are negative , destructive and critical.

      The emotional consequences were not dismissed in any way. It was a way for Julie to take control of her own feelings and not thru the emotional control her mom displays.

       

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    • Posted

      I see where you are coming from but each parent is different. When my father was spiteful and nasty it was partly to control and partly because he wanted to feel less like a loser and more superior and was trying to bring me down to his level. So if I said I was setting up another business or employing another 20 staff he would find fault and go on and on about how ridiculous it was because he had never had a proper job or employed staff or earnt good money.

      He thought if he found fault with my achievements then my achievements had not happened and I had not achieved more than him. But Julie is a very sensitive person, she tries hard to please, and people pleasers do get stomped all over by hard nasty people, that is a fact of life. We should be able to expect more trom those who claim to care about us but it is not always the case. Julie might be her mo0ther's whipping post. But if she walked away she would not be whipped. When my mum used to try to use me as her whipping post I would walik away and after a bit she learned that every time she spoke to me in a disrespectful or bossy or nasty way I would walki away so she stopped doing it. By staying and letting them talk to you anyway they want you are giving them permission and condoning that behaviour.

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