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Partner is aggressive in bed

Posted , 5 users are following.

tonia85344
tonia85344

Please help me, over the last couple months my partner has been waking me in bed seeming to be a completely different person and it's tearing me apart and very frightening. He swears at me and laughs then leaves to go home. This is very distressing as I am asleep until that point. I've told him to seek help and that we can't be together until he has, as I can't rest peacefully anymore when we go to sleep. It's like he's on edge and restless when settling then this happens.its very scary and he is seeking counselling. Prior to last few months this never happened, we have been together for 12 months. I am greatly concerned and wondering if this is the beginning of other things.your advice would be greatly appreciated

2 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • nick34171
    nick34171 tonia85344

    Posted

    You need to let him try the counselling out, I wouldn't sleep, actual sleep with him until then. Make dates in the day time, see if his behaviour changes without the use of sleep being the start point.

  • Lee1988
    Lee1988 tonia85344

    Posted

    This is verbal abuse, not a sleep problem. Sounds like he has issues, personally I'd distance myself from them.
  • lily65668
    lily65668 tonia85344

    Posted

    Hi Tonia,

    This might be an extreme version of night terrors. This is a condition in which the person suddenly wakes in the grip of some kind of threatening delusion, then acts it out in a manner usually involving either fight or flight. These episodes are short-lived, with the sufferer soon coming to their senses, but can still be dangerous for a bed partner. Although the sufferer is in a state that might be described as temporary insanity during episodes, this is a sleep disorder and not a psychiatric condition.

    However, the pattern of getting up and going home doesn't seem to me to fit with night terrors, which rarely last more than a couple of minutes. This sounds more like a psychiatric or relationship problem.

    Whichever it is, you shouldn't risk actually sleeping beside your partner until this problem has been explored. There is a possibility that he could cause you serious physical harm, even without intending too. A diagnosis of night terrors has successfully been used as a defence in murder trials, on both sides of the Atlantic.

    I'm glad to hear he's getting counselling. I would suggest that he also asks to be referred to a sleep lab, to eliminate some of the rarer sleep disorders. A counsellor or therapist wouldn't necessarily think of this.

    I can't help wondering whether or not the two of you actually discuss these episodes the following day, and what your partner's explanation is. If he's horrified at his behaviour but has no explanation for it, this could be an indicator of night terrors. It might also be useful to ask him, or his parents, if he sleepwalked as a child. Most sufferers of night terrors (including me) started out as child sleepwalkers, with the more alarming behaviour coming quite suddenly later in life.

    • tonia85344
      tonia85344 lily65668

      Posted

      Thank you Lily, I do try and discuss it with him as it's very distressing, he either apologises or denies it.. It is often excused as "it's because you were discussing things your day at work or other things" then I can't settle properly, which either way isn't ideal as I feel it should be an open relationship, if he has a reason for it then surely this is admitting to such issues with his sleep which instigates to me he is fully aware of what he is doing especially with driving home, at the time I often try to ease his mind after being woken up but he's very verbal and won't calm then leaves in a whirl it's very upsetting if I'm honest I've never experienced this before , which makes me nervous as we could quite easily have a cut off point for discussions but I can't have a cut off point when sleeping..

      I will certainly advise on the sleep clinic too, but I fear there isn't a case of night terrors and it's something more underlying now sadly.. No matter what is discussed before bed this shouldn't give you the right to act this way, I no longer think it's night terrors so thank you for that, perhaps I knew that already being honest. Thank you for your feedback.

    • lily65668
      lily65668 tonia85344

      Posted

      I'm inclined to agree with you Tonia, that it's probably not night terrors. It's just that there wasn't quite enough information about your own feelings in your first post. However, the driving home suggests an element of full consciousness.

      I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. His willingness to seek counselling suggests that your relationship might still be viable, but things will clearly have to change. Unfortunately, we all go through broken relationships in our lives, but we all come through in the end.

      All the best,

      Lily

       

  • Zigangie
    Zigangie tonia85344

    Posted

    Not sure if it's the same as you say he goes home after.

    I'd been sleeping with my husband for over 3 years peacefully when he woke in a dream and thumped me, he knows he was dreaming and what he was dreaming about, he had quite a few dreams like that (not hitting me) where he was thrashing around and fighting in his sleep and it went on for a couple of years.

    He was having some issues in his life with family at the time so I assume that it was something to do with that as after things were sorted out he hasn't done it since.

    • tonia85344
      tonia85344 Zigangie

      Posted

      Thank you Zigangie, as above I think with the case of mine it's not night terrors at all.. But I'm glad your sorted out.
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