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partner of someone with anxiety, please need to talk

Posted , 7 users are following.

katapanda
katapanda

I've been living with my husband's severe anxiety for ten years, he left me just after we married after 6 years but now together again trying to sort things out, learn his triggers, move forward etc etc.

I really need to find some friends online who understand. I love him but it's so hard to cope with. I just need to share and talk with people who feel like this. We have just discovered we are being thrown out of our rented flat and it is awful. He is not sleeping, he hashas no job, it is very tough.Please talk to me.

K

1 like, 14 replies

14 Replies

  • ten211218
    ten211218 katapanda

    Posted

    I know is hard for you to cope but understand that he hates it more than you how he feels . I have anxiety and my husband is not any help he will say that im crezy so when i feel tense i just want to be left alone i need my space to proces my feelings and my thoughts. So just don't show that you are frostrated will not help the situation. Make time for yourself do things that you enjoy and yet be for him too. All i can say is good luck and be strong for both of you
    • Sarah812
      Sarah812 ten211218

      Posted

      Your husband says you are crazy??? wow what a jerk. You are not crazy, you just worry too much. Hugs
    • katapanda
      katapanda ten211218

      Posted

      I'm very sorry to hear that - you are most certainly not crazy. As a partner it took me a long time to understand about my husband needing space and quiet on his own when it gets too much, and not to feel that I'd done something wrong. Also it feels very rejecting when you want to help someone and they just need to be alone. It did help me to understand when we found ways of explaining it so his behaviours started to make more sense - anxiety for my husband seems to be about adrenaline surges and feeling unsafe/threatened (not that I threaten him - an acidental loud noise or a poorly worded email from someone can set it off). Realising that he needs to feel safe and on his own (no 'threats') enables him to calm down faster. It's hard for me when this sometimes means he has to go an lie on the sofa in the night but when I see that it helps it's easier to deal with. I kind of explain it to myself that it's a bit like he has a scared little animal in his brain that gets frightened very easily and needs to go into its burrow to feel safe again before it can come back out. And yeah, as a partner learning not to show any frustration or anger is hard but I know it only makes things worse (ie adds more 'threats'). Is there a way you can explain to your husband that will make him see that it will help you? Can you do something like run a bath? Or even hide in the toilet for a bit? Go to the shops to get on your own?
    • katapanda
      katapanda

      Posted

      Ignore the smileys, sorry - they're punctuation accidents.
  • Aspinan
    Aspinan katapanda

    Posted

    Hi Katapanda, you are amongst friends here all of us travelling the same road.

    it must be very tough for you both but he has a big advantage in so much as he has your support which is worth everything.

    Can I ask whether your husband is on any sort of medication or has done CBT? 

    I think with your support and the right treatment you can both beat this illness.

    Have you been to see Citizens Advise about the issue over housing, if you have children then your council is obliged to house you.

    im guessing your bring evicted due to rent arrears, CAB may be able to negotiate with the landlord to agree a payment plan? 

    Its great that you are looking to learn and get through this together, and there is lots of resources and meds to help.

    Feel free to message me abd I will provide whatever help, advise and support I can.

    im just coming out of a relapse of anxiety and depression, mine is genetic and ive suffered on and off for all my adult life, so I consider myself qualified by experience when it comes to depression and anxiety.

    Your husband can get on top of this and beat it, especially if he has your support.

    Neil 

    • katapanda
      katapanda Aspinan

      Posted

      Thank you. More info about housing situation in my answer lower down, but it's not arrears, the landlords are selling up.  I think he has had these episodes all his life. Looking back I think he was in one when me met 10 years ago, then had a couple of great years, then things started to become quite unstable 5 years ago. He only really got a diagnosis and realised what it was about 2 or 3 years ago after a massive crisis and it's been very up and down since then. I think the next step is to get him back into therapy, once we've moved and registered with a new doctor again. And then the joy of the NHS waiting list...
  • tracie20455
    tracie20455 katapanda

    Posted

    I guess it's easy for us to forget that our anxiety has a much bigger impact on those we live with and who care about than we sometimes like to admit. Unfortunately my marriage of 21 years didn't survive  the turmoil that it brought with it... Your husband is very lucky that he has your support, anything we can help you with trying to understand, do ask x
  • SMF08
    SMF08 katapanda

    Posted

    First of all you are a fantasic woman for trying to find a way of helping him and also trying to understand yourself what is going on.

    Anxiety is really awful to deal with but it doesn't have to be. Has your husband ever tried some medicine or therapy? I am going through therapy myself and have improved massively and I am only half way through my sessions!

    Please don't be worried or scared there are always options.

    • katapanda
      katapanda SMF08

      Posted

      Thank you - I will definitely work harder at getting therapy sorted for him
  • katapanda
    katapanda

    Posted

    Thanks so much for all your messages. I really do appreciate them. Things are a bit better in the light of day. We're not being evicted, our landlords are selling the place we live in. Don't want to go into to many details but basically he's self employed and one type of work he did is come to an end, and he's having to start again with a new career. The reality of this has finally sunk in, along with the bad timing about the flat. He's working on getting a bit of money coming in but is living on his savings for now, but seeing then go down makes him very stressed, obviously. We'll find somewhere I'm sure, but it's the stress of moving to s new place and settling - it took him months to feel ok here and get his ocd rituals under control because he didn't feel safe or settled and now we're going to have to go through all that again.
  • katapanda
    katapanda

    Posted

    He did have a course of psychotherapy about eighteen months ago which helped, but due to having to move several times and stupid waiting lists he hasn't been able to get more. When he feels well he won't go to the doc, when he's bad he promises he will but then doesn't. We're going to have to start again with a new practice when we move as we can't afford to stay in this catchment area, so I will have to make it a priority to get that sorted out. He's extremely anti meds but I definitely think therapy again would help. It seems to me that he might need cbt to help with his ocd and repetitive thoughts, but also more detailed talking about some of the deeper issues which stem from his childhood.

    • john32948
      john32948 katapanda

      Posted

      i've suffered depression/anxiety for over 20 years and my wife has been by my side every step of the way..i don't know how she does it..but i know she has given up a lot and suffers a lot too..so i make sure i do everything to help her..it has to be a two way thing..

      i know i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.

      just remember it's not your fault,it's an illness you both have to deal with and if he doesn't see it that way then you have to start thinking about yourself.

      i'm unlucky in having an awful illness but lucky in having someone who loves me no matter what.

      i hope you find happiness and your husband gets better.

      John. 

       

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