Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder - nothing changing

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I have recently been ill with severe back pain and now docs think its stress related illness

?Bit of background - I am a carer who works full time in stressful job whilst caring for my bpd boyf - who is currently fighting dwp as they stopped his PIP in October and also suing a neighbour for damage to my property. 

?A lot going on. I've posted once before about the "rage" incidents my bf has and although things are slowly improving we still have fights and arguements. 

?Yesterday I mis heard what he said and he went balistic. We have the PIP tribunal on Tue so think he is stressed about this but he screamed how he has been like this from the start. 

?I'm not trying to steal is thunder or make out I am sicker than him, he feels that by not reacting to the issues with my neighbour over the last 3 years and being a "good boy" I've broken him. 

?I am scared when he is angry and never know what to say to calm the situation so we are in seperate rooms not talking - I find this really hard and lonely. 

I keep thinking he is getting better and not as reactive then something like this happens and I am lost. 

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  • Posted

    To add I need to go the bedroom to get my trainers so I can go but I am scared of annoying him or doing anything that will anger him. I am constantly tip toeing when he is like this. I try to do all I can to make life simple for him but I have my own issues and this ended up with me at the docs on beta blockers. I know this can be a very selfish condition and that his behaviour will subside but I have no idea how to decipher or make sense of the "Ive been sick from the start" or "you've broken me" - all I can think is that in the past he has been concerned I would end up ill and he feels guilty as he struggles to take care of me when I am unwell. 

    ?This is such a confusing and horrendous condition and I have no idea how to make it right as thats what I always try to do

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  • Posted

    Hi Sarah I think he has the disorder and anger but worst off you are having to put up with it, personally I think you have the short straw, does he have any therapy, anger management etc, I'm also wondering how long ago he was diagnosed and have you had to deal with this from day one.

    No matter what happens you need to look after number one and if it's reached the point where you are scared then things need to change, now.

    Who's house is it and can you put some distance between you for a few days, I know he has issues but it's not you that causes them or you that lost him his pip, do you mind me asking why he lost it

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    • Posted

      He had plenty of points then after the last assessment he scored zero. Its a joke and we have a good case worker helping with that.

      ​We have been a couple for 21 years but only in the last 8 was he diagnosed. Yes he gets regular treatment. He has cut off his family and we jointly own the house. 

      ​I know I get the worst of him since I am the closest person to him. But its not easy for me and I get help with my care giving role from a local charity.

      ​I just wish I had the confidence to set boundaries and also get over the loneliness this causes. 

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    • Posted

      Being isolated from family doesn't just make you lonely but it can make you unhappy too because we get our best support from family, your actually becoming a codependent and that could potentially make him worse whilKing you ill,as you said, do you go to the therapy sessions with him, being afraid of someone's temper tantrums is not good, I have been there and sadly eventually I had to walk away to protect my own sanity, i tried to make it right I just didn't come first his bipolar did, he improved slightly when we parted, I'm not saying you should leave just that you have to take control back for your life

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    • Posted

      I think there are times when things are going so well and he is making leaps and bounds but I just struggle with this side of his illness. I really find it hard to accept and he knows this. I go to some of his therapy sessions but I work full time so can't always be there. But I do give up a lot of my available time to be there for him and I know he appreciates that - just don't think he realises how much it hurts to have it thrown back in your face

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    • Posted

      Hi again and believe me when I say I know where you are coming from so you need to sit him down and tell him how it's effecting you, relationships are a two way street and both have to enjoy the journey or go in different directions, you need to be firm and honest, if not then you have to except that that is how it's going to be and get on with it. No half measurrs

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  • Posted

    Dear Sarah

     I only have a  psychology degree so I’m not educated enough to give real advice. I will give you my opinion due to my experience with the friend who had borderline personality disorder. There would be times she seemed really nice those were short-lived. She was the most difficult person I’ve ever had to get along with in my life. Everything was my fault she never looked within. Narcissism was so prevalent. This disorder kills relationships

    And it is extremely difficult to treat.

    He’s probably not going change 

    I say probably because everyone has some sort of chance.

    He will probably make your life unstable 

    When they are nice I would be tip toeing around waiting for the next episode.

    I’ve had to end two friendships because they had this disorder and were IMPOSSIBLE ! Everything was my fault!

    So much stress has been relieved by letting go.

    I hope you take this situation very seriously...There’s no easy answer to this illness 😞

    Because I care 


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    • Posted


      ?I am able to speak to his CPN privately and I understand a lot of the condition can relate to issues of abandonment. 

      ?We have separated in the past although I maintained contact during this period to ensure he understood that it was necessary we had this separation and to also ensure he understood I wasn't going to abandon him. There is far too much history and a lot of good memories that we made prior to it all going downhill. 

      ?I only have to tip toe when he is behaving irrationally and generally when he is well we have no issues. 

      ?I am feeling really lost as I want to scream back, ask him who is speaking to, throw things and say hurtful things but its just not in my nature. I wish there was guide on how to speak up without making things worse. BTW I am a classic catrastophiser which I doubt helps me in addressing my own issues and standing up to him

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  • Posted

    Hi Sarah,

    Memories are just that the past. You need to look at now and the future. My experience is they never get better but worse and there anger turns to violence. Can't they medicate him for these outburst? should never have to walk on eggshells or be scared of your own partner that's not normal. Stress is a killer and you can't live like that. You need to have a serious talk with him and things have to change. 

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