Partner with depression, am I doing the right things?
Posted , 2 users are following.
I was reading one of the topics in this forum, and I'd like to ask for opinions on something, that has been bugging me for over 2 weeks now... Warning - long wall of text ahead!
I met my ex-girlfriend 4 months ago in a dance class, and she immediately grabbed my attention. Asked her out, everything was perfect. Didn't feel like I had to even try, things just went so natural. She opened up to be, that in her previous 2 relationships, her ex-boyfriend abused her (both sexually and emotionally). She also said, that she had gotten over that, but she went through some "bad periods" due to those idiots.
I have a little problem with getting in my head when it comes down to having sex, and sometimes my... well, let's say sometimes I don't get aroused easily. I also knew, that she had to undergo an abortion in her past, because of one of those 2 idiots from before. Even with that in mind, my dumb brain decided it'd be a good idea in the spur of the moment to not use a condom. We did what we did, and afterwards she told me, that she prefers if we use protection. That was my first big mistake - I didn't. I know she wanted it, and I know what I did was irresponsible, but I still didn't, and that's the truth.
She decided to go on the pill, and once I realized how important that is for her, I promised her, that I wouldn't do it without protection again. At that point, she had already made up her mind. I asked her if she is really okay with that, and she assured me, that she's fine with it. We agreed, that if at any point she'd like to not be on the pill, that would be totally fine and that I'll actually start using protection for real this time. I meant it.
First 2 weeks of the pill, she says she feels down a lot of the time and it must be due to the hormonal stuff. I told her that it's totally fine if she'd like to get off of it, but she insisted on going on with it. After the first 2 weeks, things seemed to normalize.
I would occasionally cook for myself and bring over dinner for her too, since she has a lot of studying to do and doesn't have time to properly cook. We would see each other very frequently - like every 2 days or so. Spend the night together by dancing, being intimate and basically... it was perfect for both of us.
A month and a half in, she says she's feeling a bit down lately. I suggested it might be due to stress, related to her studies. Asked her if she knows what's wrong, she said she has no idea. At this point, we had already said "I love you" to each other, and we both don't take words like that lightly. She had told me at that point, that her parents are difficult, and she hasn't introduced them to the fact, that she has a boyfriend. I told her, that I find it odd, but that I don't mind.
One day we are going around and we spoke about whether each of us wants a marriage, kids, etc, just so we know whether we're compatible when it comes to the big things in life. She told me she wants kids, even told me at what age she wants them. All is good.
Then one night, around the 2nd month mark, she spends the night at my place. A mutual friend of ours has gone out of a previous relationship and her ex-boyfriend wants them to get back together, even though she is in a new relationship now. I told my girlfriend "that's why I think exes can't be friends, and that they shouldn't be". She then says "So if we hypothetically break up, you wouldn't want to see me again?". This one really hit me, since it came out of nowhere. I asked her "Why would you say that? I don't think we're breaking up to be honest, this chemistry is amazing and we're pretty mature, don't you think?". What followed was silence and a sad look on her face. I keep looking at her, and I felt like my heart is sinking. I asked her "what's up?" and she responded with "I just get really afraid when I think about the future, that's all... Topics like these really scare me". I knew she was having a pretty rough week, mood wise, so I decided to say nothing more on the subject and talk with her when she's feeling better.
A week goes by, and after seeing she's better, I decide to talk with her. I go over to her place, she greets me with a huge hug, and we sit down to talk. I told her "Listen, I don't want any of these things now, and I know you usually open up slower to people, but I need to know that you are willing to imagine a life together with me for the future. I know this scares you, and I know what kind of experiences you've had in the past, but at the very least I need to know that you're open to the idea...". She says "Of course I see a future together with you, I just open up to people at a slower rate. Sometimes when I'm on my own, I even imagine us in a house somewhere, living together, and that makes me giggle and it makes me feel really good. I'm confident in us, and I'm even going to tell my mom, that we're going to Sasha's birthday (not her real name) together". For context - Sasha is a friend of her's, and I was invited to her birthday along with her. I felt honestly really relieved after that conversation.
Two weeks pass, she's having an even worse mood. We go to my home city (where I grew up) and she is just not feeling well at all. She doesn't want to talk about it at that point, but it gets pretty clear, that it's affecting me too. I'm just a very emotional and empathetic guy, so hiding emotions like these is really difficult for me. The next morning, I wake up earlier to go to the barber, while she's still sleeping. When I come back, she is woken up but looking blankly, sitting on the bed. I ask her "what's wrong?". She tells me she had a dream, where I cheated on her. I tried to hug her and hold her, but she said "I need a moment" and distanced herself a bit. We then go out, and I tell her that I'd never do something like that, since I really love her and I'm just that kind of a guy, and that this is just a dream. After we come back to the city we live in, things looked alright for another 2 weeks.
Then she started having an EVEN WORSE mood, and this time it resulted in a lot of things. We agreed, that her coming off the pill might be the solution to everything. When we agreed on that, she kept repeating "I hope this is from the pill", she said it like 10 times that night. The next day, we head over to Sasha's birthday. Her mom calls her right before we were supposed to be picked up, and I hear her say over the phone "I'm being picked up in about 15 minutes". I asked her "did you tell your mom, that we're going together?". She just gives me a "no". That made me pretty sad, but I tried to just brush it off.
We go over to the birthday, and she just feels really distant throughout the whole thing. Not just to me, but to everybody there. After the party is over, we head over to our room. I asked her two things that night. One of them was "Just out of curiosity, any reason you didn't tell your mom about us coming together?". She responds with "I just feel like it'd be better to speak with her about you in real, rather than over the phone". I say "alright, all good". The second thing was "is there any reason you are avoiding intimacy with me, other than the mood you're in?". She says "no, and I honestly feel pretty bad about that... I just don't feel like I deserve you at the moment". I assure her, that the lack of sex is absolutely not an issue for me, and that I'm willing to wait until she feels better, and that I wouldn't feel good having sex with her unless she wants it anyway.
The next night we spend together at my place again. She goes on about how awful she feels, since she "isn't a good partner" and "sex is really important for any relationship, and it feels awful not being able to give it". I once again reassure her, that even just cuddling with her is more than enough for me, and that I don't want to have sex with her unless she feels like it.
Three days after that, she sends me a text "we need to talk". No hearts like usual, nothing. I ring her and ask her over the phone "at least give me a hint as to what we're going to talk about, are you dumping me or something" in a light and joking way, to make the situation a bit lighter, but she just says "we'll talk when we meet".
We meet up, and she looks really cold. She says "I feel like I'm in a dark hole right now and nothing makes sense... I also feel like I'm just getting worse and worse with each day, and I have no idea what to do to get out of it... I don't feel like I'm a good partner right now, and... why are you even with me?!?". At that point, I give her a list with at least 20 reasons I'm with her in the span of a minute, without even hesitating for a second - I truly love this person. She says "I don't know if I'm ready for this...". I reassure her, that we can work through this together, and that I'll do whatever I can to help. At this point, I had no idea that this is depression... I did not do what I was supposed to... I just had to listen - instead, I started giving advice...
At this point we agree on taking things slowly and that we'll work through this together.
Two days pass by, and she says we need to talk again. We meet at my place this time, and she tells me "I don't feel well, and I don't know what to do. I can't keep going like this, it doesn't feel normal. I am not a good partner, I don't live up to my own expectation, and even if you feel like I am one - I don't feel like one". I asked her many questions that night, like "Do you think my constant pressuring added to the state that you're in?" She says "Yes, I think it did, but I don't think that's the main reason for it. It just didn't help". We agree to go on a "break" - we're still together, but without any pressure from the relationship. I asked her "what can I do right now, that will help you get through this?". She responds with "I just need you to be my friend right now, do you think you can do that?". I respond with "yes, I can do that". We go on about our night, and we talk about some non-depression related things. We actually managed to make a pretty nice night out of it, laughed a bit, drank some wine, things were amazing. The issue came around when I proposed to watch some TV series together. I lay down, and she sits about 1 meter away from me. At that point, it really hit me... We used to watch TV series cuddled up together, but now it wasn't like that. The reality of the situation hit me really hard, and I couldn't get through the whole episode.
I stood up at one point, saying "Listen, I really want to be strong right now, but I need to think about what I can and cannot endure... This, right now, just doesn't cut it for me... I can't suddenly switch off my feelings for you like that.." She asked if I'd like to talk about it, and I say "Perhaps if you're having a good day, we can meet up, just like before, but I need to at least have some sort of intimacy, that will help me keep the sparkle going... Like cuddling up with you or something..." She said "it's fine if we cuddle, I don't mind that". She went ahead and hug me for the rest of the conversation.
We say good night to each other, but I didn't feel good with myself after that... If I really wanted her to heal, and if I really loved her, I knew what I had to do... It was now time to stop being selfish.
Two days later, we meet up. I told her, that I've decided to break up with her, and give her proper space and time to heal. She said "thank you". I also told her, that I will pressure her for one last time, that I need to know whether she still has feeling of any sorts towards me, and that I need to know whether if I keep being there for her, there is even a small chance for us being together in the future, when she feels well again. I told her, that she should sit down with herself and think it through, and let me know. Either way, I would be her friend until she is back on her feet, but at least this would give me a peace of mind. I told her to think about it over the next few days, and that I don't want a certain answer, like "we're going to be together", but just a "I think that's possible". I know, that this is also selfish, but I really struggled with understanding her depression, since I didn't know much about it at the time.
She said "You're a very important person for me, and I know where you stand on exes and friendship, and that if our paths don't cross again, you'll want me out of your life forever, and that truly hurts, but I know I cannot ask you to change that for me, or that my opinion should weight more than yours on this. I think all of this is due to the depression I'm in, and if I didn't think we could be together again in the future, I wouldn't keep you around, knowing how you feel about this... I don't intend to lie and deceit you in any way". That gave me finally a peace of mind. I knew she still loves me, but just cannot express it right now.
At this point I started digging A LOT about depression and how it affects people. I stopped pressuring her about anything - whenever she feels like chatting, she texts me, whenever she wants to meet up, we meet up. I only occasionally send her a funny meme or something nice, whenever I come across anything like that, that might boost her mood a bit. We even spent last night together, and I managed to make her smile a few times. I myself am feeling pretty anxious and insecure about this whole thing, but it's something I'm also fighting at the moment. I know a lot of the things I did caused more harm than good, despite my intentions, and I am truly sorry about acting the way I did. I even shared that last night with her near the end of our evening. I said "I'm sorry that I acted the way I did - it was due to lack of information and my own insecurities, you've got my full support now, you'll get through this". She said "You don't have to apologize, you did what you thought was right at the time".
The reason I'm sharing all of this here, is that I need help. I really want to give it my all for this woman, she's just... something else. I have never felt emotions such as this while with her, and I've had some of the best moments in my life for those 3 months, despite the depression. For the first time I'm feeling something so raw, so real... Such a connection... I just want to make sure, that I'll stop screwing things up, and that I'll manage to help her this time, not pressure her. Also, because I needed a place to share all of this, and get some opinions on what's happening, and how to best support her through this...
0 likes, 3 replies
jan34534 isaac54974
Posted
From what you wrote, it sounds like she is going through some unresolved emotional issues and conflicts. Most likely stemming from her past experiences.
there are some people with a genetic predisposition to depression and adding negative life experiences can trigger the depression.
depression is like a roller coaster. Some days you would hardly notice the person is depressed and other days it’s very evident. Even when the person is smiling or laughing, underneath is the dark depression. It hasn’t gone away, it’s just being masked by the smiles and laughter.
I would definitely suggest that she gets some counseling for this because depression will not go away on its own. It’s very difficult if not impossible for somebody to eliminate their depression on their own. she needs to be able to talk and open up to a professional about everything she’s feeling. The counselor can help her manage all of this . I am not a big proponent on medication however there are some people that need it to manage. and She may only need regular ongoing counseling sessions to help pull her out of this.she’s most likely not sharing everything with you that she is going through that’s OK because most people with depression do that. they don’t know what’s wrong with them and almost don’t know how to talk about it. she can’t truly enjoy life right now with the way she is feeling. So your relationship with her most likely doesn’t feel complete right now.
Anyway, I hope this helps a little bit. Remember, this is not about you so don’t feel bad that you can’t help her that much. It’s all about her and she needs professional support for this. hope everything works out. Take care .
isaac54974 jan34534
Posted
Hey Jan, thanks for the reply!
I suggested twice so far, that she should probably go and see a professional, but she refuses. Says it won't help her and it will contribute to feeling weak, rather than getting her up on her feet. I cannot really pursue her to give it a go, and I tell myself, that she knows herself best. We both watch videos from the SBSK channel (a channel on youtube, they often speak about mental illness and anxiety / depression / etc.) and a lot of people there say, that therapy has really helped them out.
Right now I hope, that if she manages to pull out of this and still has feelings for me, I think it'll be a good idea to talk about how to avoid situations like these in the future (as in avoid triggers, I know it's not something that will ever go away completely), and what to do when these things do happen.
She has bought some herb-based meds, but she tells me those don't really help much. She has all the symptoms though - lack of energy, no will to do anything (she even hardly studies right now, and her exams are coming really soon), no wish to see anyone, etc... She still texts me every day though, so I still believe I'm the person she shares the most with, which makes me feel somehow good, that she still sees me as "the guy".
I know it's something she has to deal with herself, and I know she knows it as well, but being pushed away by the person you love is pretty painful. We'll talk once things get better and try to make some adjustments for moments like those. Thank you again!
jan34534 isaac54974
Posted
yes, open communication is really important. You could have good talks with her like you said and avoid certain triggers. As long as both of you keep talking to each other. my daughter and her husband have such a great marriage and I would say one of the biggest reasons for that is because they communicate well with each other. And they each give 100% to the relationship.
ITS Great that you are such a good support for her! Keep up the good work ❤