Partner with Endometriosis

You are a kind, compassionate and loving man, and I recognize how rare you are among men. Still:

Sir, you make a wild assumption and projection when you say that a woman's sense of femininity and womanhood is tied to her ability to have children. That is complete BS, unless your culture is one that believes women are only useful during their childbearing years and that when those end, we should all go leap off a 5 mile high cliff. This thinking of yours matters a lot because you cannot help but project it onto this woman. You need to ditch that now because chances are quite good that at her age with endo, she's sterile already AND that they'll have to remove that ovary. If your response will be that she's useless without her ovary, let her go gently but don't break before she's healed.

My "femininity and womanhood" were not in the least diminished because all my reproductive organs were removed when i was 27 due to endo. If anything, they increased because agonizing pain and useless docs no longer made me angry & exhausted so much of the time.

I was lucky and had a great result from that surgery. Not everyone does, and if they take her uterus, maybe her tubes, and leave that ovary, she'll be having yet another surgery in a few years to take it out.

Endo can return even after organ removal. Again, i was lucky and it took 27 yrs for endo to return. i needed another massive abdominal cut to remove 6-8" of my colon. This is not uncommon but all too often leads to yet more surgeries for bowel obstruction, opening of the bowel, kinks, etc. My surgeon pounded into me that I would live the rest of my life at risk & that i needed to pay close attention to my digestive system. Here, also, i have been very lucky. 10.5 years have passed and i haven't required another surgery. I wouldn't share all that with her. if you stay together just believe her & get her back to the specialist if she thinks she's having more endo symptoms in the future.

My belief on the menopause symptoms is to go ahead and get it over with. i used conjugated hormones for decades, decreasing over time, and had several long periods of menopause unpleasance. Be as understanding as you can be. i don't have any other suggestions save Cybill Shepherd's advice on how to dress in public during peri and true menopause: Always wear something sleeveless with a jacket, shawl, shrug or sweater which can be worn or taken off, put back on, removed again, ad nauseum as dictated by hot flashes. If she lives in a culture where this isn't possible, she has my empathy. Cotton and silk are more comfortable in any heat than are synthetics. Buy her a cooling mattress pad (Ikea) and the best cooling sheets you can find (NOT Ikea), plus a pillow that's wrapped in cooling gel.

i live in the States. IVF is very expensive. i didn't know that docs would try it if a woman has no uterus? I know it's been a long time since i was in school, but that is astounding to me that medicine has figured out some place safe to grow a fetus if there's no womb. That would mean that a man could serve as womb, wouldn't it?

You are a nice man even if you & i have different opinions on womanhood. Not all partners are as understanding. I cannot recall how my moods may have fluctuated and my S.O. of decades died last year so i can't ask him. I wish you both a great outcome and a long, healthy life of shared live & joy.

Hi concerned partner, I wish all men are like you. I have seen husbands not even as close as you are to care and write this long letter on this website. I am not here to judge you but to share my (our) experiences. I'm a 36 years old married mom with two kids, suffered a stage 4 endo last year. It all started with a flank pain and I went to check thinking I'm having kidney stones instead they found a mass or tumor on my left ovary sizing around less than 5cm. The pain wasnt that bad I was careless about it till it came back with lots of pain till no painkillers wont work on me anymore. I had to rushed to the hospital and found out that the mass has increased to 10cm something and it has to be removed. Worst thing is my mom passed away with breast cancer and my blood test CA125 came back high, my world went upside down. My doctor asked us if we have any plans to have more children and we are not so she warned us in any cases the left ovary might have to be removed. And I got endo very near to my ureter which is also another concern she has. Both my pregnancies are c section and I wasn't nervous at all but that time I was so worried. My husband job involves traveling alot but he was very there as much as he can. Long short, the operation went well, and I still have my both ovaries but my left fallopian tube was removed. Best thing is my concern for the cancerous cell (lab tests) came back all cleared. I was given a zoladex for 6 months which will close my ovaries and stop me from having periods but my periods comes regularly but no more pain. Thats the best part. I have least side effects from the Zoladex but mood swings were heavy. When we got discharged, I couldn't move around for days so my husband becomes a house husband? LOL. He isn't a good chef and normally all the house chores are done by me. Surprisingly he cooked the most delicious dishes ever, calling his mother for recipes and giving me the best care I needed. I was totally moved. It almost made me cry seeing him busy in the kitchen. So my point is the least thing you think might be big for her. Keep supporting, keep loving. I cant give advice on hysterectomy but somehow I have a feeling both of you will be fine. Feel free to ask us away.

Update us and stay strong.

Wow, how sweet are you, my partners eyes glaze over just talking about women issues!!

I have endo, had surgery for a large end cyst a couple of years ago . I have another cyst and am waiting on surgery where I also was told a hysterectomy would be best, im 35 and have 1 child and no plans on more.

I am very sensitive to hormonal changes. Yes they really do control your mood. When I ovulate or the week before im due on my mood changes drastically, i go from being easy going, chatty, more affectionate to not being a complete horror. I feel a bubble of rage in my belly and god help anyone who crosses me. Things that dont normally bother me make me want to kill someone and I have to try hard not to smash stuff and punch people in the face. I would happily have someone really start on me so I could fight them! It is that bad, I am night and day and the older I get the worse it seems.

Before my period I also do not sleep well at all, I get bowel issues, bloat and breakout. This coupled with the rage from the hormones makes for a very sad and angry person. Usually when I come on the mental stuff subsides a little but then you are in excruciating pain, feel light headed and weak and are not great company either.

Add this to also having anxiety about major surgeries and the end of what some women feel is this is going to really affect you. Some women are very attached to their womb, I hate mine but I also dont want to lose it. My ovaries give me the hormones which make me female and Im unsure how I would feel without it. I have had a child and dont want more but can imagine if I didnt i would defo not want a hysterctomy and would be upset at the loss of that option. I dont even want the option taken away and im sure I dont want more children.

If she has a hysterectomy but keeps an ovary no you wont be able to have kids. The ovary will just give her hormones which protect her from bone thinning, hot flushes etc but it seems alot of the time leaving one ovary it ends giving up after a hysterctomy so be aware that she might still hit menopause earlier than normal.

Judging by my PMS i think the menopause will be vile for me too. Your lady has a chemical menopause on the drugs she is on so this is likely what she will be like if she has the womb and all ovaries out BUT they will likely put her on HRT after the op which is hormone replacement therapy, this gives you back those hormones and makes the symptoms better, some people get on well and love it, some people need to find the right one or dose which can take a while. HRT can balance your moods, stop the hot flushes etc etc.

If you both want children perhaps you could discuss surrogacy or adoption. Perhaps letting her know your open to that might relieve some of her worries. Other than being there for her and understanding why she wants to rip your throat out because you didnt stir the tea correctly there isnt much you can do.

My worries about surgical menopause was am i going to get heart disease, osteoporosis, hair thinning, wrinkles, mood swings, depression, vaginal prolapse, gain weight, have painful sex, feel different etc etc way before my time (but i am a worrier) so perhaps you could ask her what her worries are and let her know you will work through them together and have a plan to tackle some of them.

Good luck and well done for going out your way to find out about her condition and what you can do for her. Its rare i think.

there isnt much you can do apart from be a shoulder to cry on. if your not in the same place you cant do the laundry or hoovering etc. you can be there emotionally at the end of the phone. you can have flowers or cake etc delivered to hospital the day after the op or home if shes back that soon. You can send her texts/call her prior and after her surgery. If you have money i suppose you could arrange a cleaner for her once a week for a month or 2, or have someone bring her meals. I guess it depends on your social circumstances and if you have friends near by that could help on your behalf on how much you can get physically done.

she wont be able to lift anything after the op for a while so hoovering etc is not possible. She will need to rest so any rest type gifts might be nice, a nice bedset, a comfy cushion, some relaxing beauty items like face mask, candles etc.

Thats all i can think of but honestly by being supportive and staying in contact and being an emotional support that will be a great help. perhaps when she is better and you can get to see her you should take her out somewhere nice and make her feel like a sexy woman.

My S.O. had her hysterectomy a few days ago, and is resting and recovering. I know she is in a great deal of pain, and she is so strong that she is just doing what she has to deal with it, and I so badly wish I could be there in-person with her to support her, comfort her, and take care of her... more than anything else, I just want to be by her side. 😞

Not really sure if it's because of the physical pain and trauma she is experiencing and trying to recover from, or if it's also emotional/psychological things she's experiencing and trying to deal with, or probably a combination of both; but she really doesn't want to talk much. I know this was a very serious surgery and can affect a woman in many different ways, and she needs time to deal with all of it. Hopefully she will open up and talk to me about what she's is going through. Whatever she is going through, I just want to be patient, understanding, and supportive for her.

She doesn't really feel like texting/talking on the phone much, so I just try to keep the conversation when we do text a bit light, and try to do whatever I can to pick her spirits up a bit and make her smile by sending her GIFs and pictures, links to articles/videos that I think she would like, and I message her throughout the day even if she doesn't respond so she knows that I'm constantly thinking about her and she's always on my mind.

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted in here, I've had a lot going on lately.

My Partner had her hysterectomy 4 weeks ago, and since then she seems to be on the mend well physically, although I'd like her to take it a bit easier, but she's strong independent woman (and that's one of the many things that has me so in love with her), and doesn't just want to lay around recuperating; however she has not really been able to sleep since the surgery and has been experiencing insomnia since then. She said that she's only able to get about 2 or 3 hours total of sleep a night, and even those hours are not straight, they are chopped up and broken up throughout the night. She said she's been having problems falling asleep every night and just lays in bed with her eyes open, and even if she tries to close her eyes and wind down she still can't fall asleep. Then finally when she does, she sleeps a little bit and then wakes up and can't get back to sleep. She said she read in her post-op notes that women who have undergone a hysterectomy can experience insomnia; what exactly is causing this, and what can she do to get some relief and finally get some good sleep and well deserved to rest?

Also, I know that her hormones still haven't adjusted yet, and there will be times where she she seems to be in such a good mood and is so amazingly sweet and caring and loving and affectionate and tender, and then the next day she feels like she just doesn't want to be bothered and doesn't feel like talking and just wants to keep to herself; and I completely understand that she is dealing with a lot emotionally, and her hormones have not adjusted yet that just compounds it, so I just do whatever I can to try to be understanding, caring, and supportive.

For you women who have had hysterectomies, about how long did it take for your body to adjust hormonally to the changes? Is there anything that would be able to help her feel better in the meantime while her body is still adjusting and healing/recuperating?

Right now my primary concern is just trying to be there for her however she wants and needs me to be, and help her however I can emotionally, and give her as much support, understanding, patience, love, and caring as I possibly can. 😔

Thanks for your advice.