Past relationship causing me anxiety in my current one?

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So my past relationship didn't end well. My partner was unfaithful to me on more than one occasion. Obviously it hurt to think that someone I trusted and loved, who repeatedly told me how much they loved and cared for me could do something like that, and on a continuous basis. I was stupid enough to ignore the warning signs, and even gave him another chance. So stupid of me. In the end I'd had enough and cut him out of my life completely.

Two months later I met my current partner through a mutual old friend. We got on really well from the moment we started conversation, which then turned into messaging for a couple of weeks. During this time we realised we had a lot in common and seemed to be on the same wavelength in our ideals. We eventually decided to meet up where we agreed that we'd like to see each other on a regular basis. Although we have only known and been together for a short time, that time has been great and genuinely the happiest I think I have ever felt with a person. I really feel like he is the perfect person for me. He was honest about personal things from his past (which could have been a deal breaker for me, and didn't have to tell me, yet he chose to) and I've found it easier to be open with him (and in such a short space of time) than I have with anyone else before. Part of me knows he is a genuinely lovely and trustworthy person. Part of me knows he wouldn't hurt me like I have been hurt in the past. And up until now I have been the most relaxed during our time spent apart than I have in past relationships.

Recently however, I have come to realise that I am truly falling for him, and quicker than I would have liked. I am aware of the regular thoughts of doubt I keep having. The doubt that I could really be that lucky, as though finding someone who's personality is just right for me, who is loyal, honest and understanding is something that just isn't meant for me. I never thought my past hurt would affect me so much as to actually think that.

I knew I was falling in love with him. That I was sure of, and had been thinking for some time. I never expressed this to him for thinking that it was far too early in the relationship, despite us both agreeting that we hope the relationship would last long-term. Anyway, so recently he got a bit insecure when we went out with some friends and a couple of guys apparently seemed interested in me. He tried to hide it and pass it off as nothing when I'd picked up on the fact that something seemed wrong. Eventually he told me what was wrong and then admitted that he is in love with me, and had been thinking it for a while (the same as me). Now this set me into panic mode a little. Not the fact that he admitted his feelings for me, but the fact that he'd admitted feeling temporarily insecure before doing so. This instantly made me feel anxious as my last partner seemed to be very insecure and turned out to be a little controlling with it. Obviously I don't want to be in that situation again, and I kept repeating to my current partner how he isn't allowed to be insecure (I guess I was fearing it happening again at this point).

Since then I've been feeling anxious that my current partner will end up being unfaithful like my last partner. I don't know whether it's because I now know just how much we really like each other, and maybe that scares me because things are starting to get serious. Or whether because of my own issues of thinking that I can't possibly find someone that I can truly be happy with. Or whether because I am just that unlucky and I'm trying to tell myself to get out before it's too late.

With two of my past relationships, both partners were incredibly secretive with their phones. The latter even getting annoyed with me if I even so much as touched his phone. I was actually shocked when my current partner handed me his phone for the first time (to have control of the music in his car) and every time he leaves it in the room with me. I know this sort of thing is supposed to be normal but I'm really not used to it.

I know I'm probably just feeling insecure because we're still learning about each other, but I still can't help but worry when something is going to go wrong. It just bothers me that up until recently, I had no doubts whatsoever. And it's not like he's actually given me a genuine reason to doubt him, more like I'm just looking for things that probably isn't even there. Why am I feeling anxious all of a sudden? Is it all just in my head?

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    Sorry to hear about your relationship woes.

    Have you been diagnosed with anxiety

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  • Posted

    Your doubts from your previously relationship might be getting in the way of your current one.

    does your current partner know about your past relationship?

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    • Posted


      My current partner does know about how my last relationship ended and did say that he'd never do that to me. Part of me really does believe it as he does seem to be just as against that sort of thing as me (from what he's told me). But when you're so used to someone saying nice things and then proving otherwise, I guess it's hard to truly believe that what they're saying is actually true. I know I should probably talk to him about this, but I don't want to scare him off by thinking I'm crazy or something haha.

      He himself has been diagnosed with anxiety, but because I haven't I don't want him to think I've just got issues that I'm trying to pass off as anxiety rolleyes

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    • Posted

      So far yes, he has been very supportive. He hasn't given me any reason to think that he is judgemental. Writing it all down has certainly helped my mind to feel less conflicted and less likely to have some sort of breakdown haha
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    • Posted

      I know you're right. I literally tell him everything, but when it comes to any 'bad' things I'm feeling, I become so closed off. It's not that I don't want to tell him these things, I just really struggle to be that open with people. I always have. I guess I just need to find the courage from somewhere!
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  • Posted

    Heres a really fun idea. They have these trips you go on with anyone you want to get closer to, trust..etc.. You do very adventourous things together but needing the other for their success. I think they are self esteem retreats. Not sure of their names but worth the google.
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