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performance anxiety

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jakeyb2014
jakeyb2014

Hi iam a 22 year old male i get very bad anxiety seems be worse when i meet a new girl and i can not seem to perform cant get an errection my aniexty seems to kick in and i shake and heat beats really fast ? i have started sertraline for aniexty will this help with this problem also ?

thanks

0 likes, 32 replies

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  • boing333
    boing333 jakeyb2014

    Posted

    I've been led to believe that medication only decreases 'performance'. It can affect libidio, occasionally, in the sense that you feel more interested in sex but anxiety comes because you often get nothing more simple than stage fright.

    The thing is, it's something that a lot of men experience. Some men are nervous around girls; others aren't. Less confident men need an understanding woman to help them rather than make them feel guilty about it.

    A lot of what it comes down to with sexual dysfunctionality is lack of compatibility - you may have your interests; she may have hers. What's important is to be able to communicate with each other about it and feel relaxed. Explain your concerns (if you have any), work out what it is that concerns you - be it your experience compared to hers is a prime example - and learn to develop confidence through actually performing the act itself.

    Sex shouldn't need to be difficult but our minds tend to make it so. Hope that helps.

    • jakeyb2014
      jakeyb2014 boing333

      Posted

      Yes stage fright seems to be the problem had this a long time but when i get used to person i can perform its strange ? but i was hoping that the sertraline that the docs put me on will work as i get aniexty really bad anyway so hopefully this helps with that aswell, but thanks makes sense smile
  • paul76608
    paul76608 jakeyb2014

    Posted

    Medication dont really solve the problem id say it covers but doing cbt therapy will help alot more finds the problem and then are able to cope with any situation 
    • boing333
      boing333 paul76608

      Posted

      CBT is a good idea, yes. Sex therapy is another good thing to try as well because it may help you examine moments in your life where there may have been sexual trauma involved at some point, that may subconsciously affect your 'performance;.

      Both could be discussed with your GP.

      I also have to commend you for your honesty in mentioning this as a lot of men out there who experience the same may feel threatened by it.

    • paul76608
      paul76608 jakeyb2014

      Posted

      Cognitive behavioral therapy (also known by its abbreviation, CBT) is a short-term, goal-oriented psychotherapy treatment that takes a hands-on, practical approach to problem-solving. Its goal is to change patterns of thinking or behavior that are behind people's difficulties, and so change the way they feel.

    • jakeyb2014
      jakeyb2014 boing333

      Posted

      yh definatly i will go back to my doctors then i think
  • boing333
    boing333 jakeyb2014

    Posted

    On the other hand when it comes to CBT, the problem is it involves an individuals' approach to an environment. Jakey can do everything he wants and come out feeling more confident than ever in his abilities but that doesn't take into account his partner's attitude - and CBT cannot change that.

    For instance, I could go to a therapist and explain a situation/environment (say, an argument with my fiancee). I could explain how the argument made me feel, what it did to me physically, what sort of thoughts I had and how it made me behave.

    The problem is, if an argument is brewing in the future, there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I'll react differently to it, yes, but my fiancee will react the same as she always has. In any event, no future progress is made and the environment still exists.

    Something like sexual dysfunction is something you should first analyse to see if the problem is you, then analyse if it is something your partner is doing wrong. If it's you, work out why with counselling and then do the CBT to analyse how you could think differently. If it's your partner, discuss it with her and see if she's open-minded to discussion. If it's both of you, seek relationship advice and one-to-one counselling for both of you.

    • jakeyb2014
      jakeyb2014 boing333

      Posted

      yes thanks boing333 i will go and speak to them and actually explaine this because i dont think they under stand the problem fully
    • boing333
      boing333 jakeyb2014

      Posted

      What does your partner think of it? What does she say to you?
    • jakeyb2014
      jakeyb2014 boing333

      Posted

      its not happening atm but its just anxiety atm but thinking of it infuture if it happends again which it probably will
    • boing333
      boing333 jakeyb2014

      Posted

      Sorry, I'm trying to understand your situation. I think I may have been barking up the wrong tree this entire time misunderstood in thinking you had a partner.

      So I'm assuming now it's happened in previous relationships and you're trying to say that you fear it happening again, and that's what stops you meeting other women?

    • niccik
      niccik boing333

      Posted

      Jakey didnt you say it was only with NEW girlfriends? how are you when youve been with them a little longer and feel more comfortable around them? Do you feel more comfortable in the bedroom as well? Its hard to talk to a new partner about things as you tend not to have become comfortable enough with them to do that, but if you can that would be great. Hold off sex for a while at the beginning of relationships until you can explain your anxietys to them comfortably. That would be how i dealt with that. Iv kinda been their myself before. Always massively shy and not confident at all in the bedroom, its an awful feeling, especially when the other person seems confident enough and not uncomfortable at all... Time is the key and understanding on both parts.xx

       

    • boing333
      boing333 jakeyb2014

      Posted

      So really I suppose the question is - what's happened in the past for you to feel anxious about the future?
    • jakeyb2014
      jakeyb2014 niccik

      Posted

      yh thats what it is new girlfriends and then after a while its fine but if i did viagra the first time its fine then after that i dont ave to take anything but i dont really want to take viagra everytime i meet someone new if you understand ? x
    • niccik
      niccik jakeyb2014

      Posted

      You may find it gets better with age. I know that sounds silly but people and things change so much. Im definitly not as shy and anxious in that area as i used to be at your age. Im only a couple of years older than you. Thats how quickly things can change. Obviously everyones different but youve got to look at it positively, if you dont you will worry even more and the problem could get even worse... Try not to ruminate on it and panic about it, just go with the flow. If you meet someone then, tackle it then, in the mean time just try to find the best medication/therapy for you to prevent it from happenning. But if it does, its no big deal. I know for a fact as a girl i would not be put off by it if it happenned to a bloke i was in bed with. Its life and everyones different. If it was to put your new girlfriend off then she would not be worth being your girlfriend to start with.xxx

       

    • boing333
      boing333 jakeyb2014

      Posted

      I think I understand properly now, Jakey.

      The best advice is to seek out therapy for something like that. If you have trepidation or fear forming new relationships with people due to the anxiety you have over sexually underperforming then it's affecting your quality of life and can't go on.

      I don't really think there's any point advising you on what to do in future relationships without knowing your past history of relationships and experiences with different partners, and also examining if you have had any childhood sexual trauma.

      The reality seems to be that you don't even get to the stage of meeting new girls because your anxieties stop you, so there's not even any point discussing new partners, how to treat them, how to deal with sexual dysfunction, what to discuss with them or whatever, because unless you counter your mood and anxieties, you won't meet them at all.

    • boing333
      boing333 niccik

      Posted

      "Iv kinda been their myself before. Always massively shy and not confident at all in the bedroom"

      You definitely don't have BPD biggrin

    • jakeyb2014
      jakeyb2014 niccik

      Posted

      yes your spot on smile thanks you for your advice smile very helpful x
    • jakeyb2014
      jakeyb2014 boing333

      Posted

      yes exactly its the advice ive been waiting for for a long time all my friends wouldnt understand and look a me funny , well iam going to the doctors try and get refered to therapy opf somesort )
    • boing333
      boing333 jakeyb2014

      Posted

      Good stuff. Let us know how you get on, mate. You'll be back in the game in no time smile
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