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Peri -- Does anyone feel almost suicidal?

Posted , 6 users are following.

cat38281
cat38281

I'm so thankful to have found this forum and all the warm women whose sharing helps me feel less alone. But some days feel especially dark and bleak; today is one of them. This year has been miserable -- since about March I've been dealing with an exacerbation of things I'd already been dealing with for some time before -- tinnitus, ear pressure, headaches, dizziness, fatigue, insomnia, achiness, depression, anxiety...and weird new symptoms, like "head pressure" and "face/head heat" ("flushing" doesn't quite seem to describe it). I'm 49 and yup, blood tests by my gynae confirm I am in peri. Of course I'd also seen the ENT and cardiologist, but there has to be a limit to these (expensive) investigations right? Last night I woke up at 2 again, with the tinnitus so loud and the pressure and heat such that I lay there for some time in a desperate palpitating sweat, thinking surely peri can't be this awful, until I finally managed to calm myself down and get back to sleep. But as usual I woke up within 6 hours and feel like s--t, coupled with anxiety and misery about feeling like s--t, if that makes sense. I'm just whining now, feeling so tired and headachey and like I just don't know how to go on, but if anyone else knows what I'm talking about, I'd be glad of the support.

4 likes, 16 replies

16 Replies

  • bev27429
    bev27429 cat38281

    Edited

    Hi Catherine,

    Yes, I have felt suicidal. If it hadn't been for the unwavering support of my spouse, my mother, and my closest friends, I don't think that I would be typing to you right now.

    I have had such debilitating symptoms, and the hardest part has been the longevity of them. Most people can deal with physical and / or mental symptoms on a short timeline, but when it goes on for years, it can feel almost impossible to cope with.

    I have had to use every resource that I know of to get through this. I often wonder, if there were 100 women who went through what I did, how many of them would still be standing. Not many, I think.

    I still find it hard to believe that anything could be this awful and could last for this long.

    You have my deepest of understanding. This is a terrible, terrible burden.

    Always reach out for support. Feel free to private message me; I will always respond:)

    Big hugs,

    Bev xo

    • cat38281
      cat38281 bev27429

      Edited

      Thank you so very much for sharing with me and big big hugs back. You're right, if not for my husband and kids, I honestly think I'd be dead by now. I keep wondering, how do I go on like this? The "what if" thoughts are horrible. Having this coinciding with the covid season has probably made it all at least 50 times worse. My mother literally breezed through meno -- she was THRILLED to be done with periods -- it really adds to my frustration ("frustration" does not come close to describing the misery I feel). I am so grateful for this forum and for you -- please also feel free to message me any time ❤️

    • bev27429
      bev27429 cat38281

      Edited

      My pleasure. The sharing definitely does help. Somehow there is consolation in knowing that others are suffering in a similar way to you. It helps to make you feel less alone. I just try to take things moment by moment, when the symptoms become unbearable. I focus on staying calm, tuning into the body to get out of my mind, and praying for better days. The better days always come; I just never know when. When they do arrive, I feel so blessed. Regardless, throughout all of this, I have felt immensely proud of myself for forging ahead, no matter what I have had to face.

    • cat38281
      cat38281 bev27429

      Posted

      Oh my gosh, yes, this, exactly. Prayer has definitely helped a lot, and remembering how blessed I am. I don't know if you will find this helpful as I did, but the book "How To Be Sick" by Toni Bernhard is a wonderful read. Of course peri isn't actually an "illness", but I still found this book very relevant, for changing perspectives and how to endure.

    • bev27429
      bev27429 cat38281

      Edited

      Thanks so much for the book suggestion! I just ordered it:)

    • cat38281
      cat38281 bev27429

      Posted

      O great! Let me know how you find it 😃

      One thing that I've been doing a lot lately is asking myself, can I let this go, even just a little? Can I accept it, just a bit, and not react so to it? I've realised a significant part of my suffering is my own reacting to what I'm going through, almost like an angry resistance. Part of easing one's suffering is letting go of that, and trying to be more accepting. Of course it's definitely not easy when one is in the midst of it all -- especially if one already was dealing with things like anxiety and depression -- but it helps to get one through, even it's just for the day, or even the next hour or few minutes. Are you Christian by the way?

  • pamela2016
    pamela2016 cat38281

    Edited

    everyday day in day out i have your same symptoms and so much more,the head pressure face and head heat i have bad at the moment im on cycle seems to be ending but this has been bad this whole cycle it raises my BP as well. like you have have had suicidal thoughts many many times dealing with all this its definitely a life challenge. can always message me if you want your not alone

    • cat38281
      cat38281 pamela2016

      Posted

      Hi dear,

      I don't know if you're still checking in here; I just happened to look at this old post of mine, and saw that I'd missed your reply entirely! I hope you've been doing okay.. unfortunately they seem to have taken away the private messaging thing so there isn't even that now, but I hope you're well and pressing on. Feel free to write to me here if you need X

  • fran54078
    fran54078 cat38281

    Edited

    Hi Catherine:

    I know how you feel. I have several of the symptoms you are having. it is so uncomfortable to live with these symptoms. I pray everyday for these symptoms to pass. I wish I knew when the end of this is. I do wonder how to going on like this at times. I have been to many doctors. They each gave me different diagnosis. Although not many doctors know much about menopause, some of the doctors will try to help by trying to alleviate symptoms. I tried HRT before but it made me worse. I guess HRT is not for everyone. please feel free to contact me if you would like to talk or need support. It is comforting to know that there are people out there going through the same thing and know exactly how you feel and maybe able to share experience and some wisdom.

    • cat38281
      cat38281 fran54078

      Edited

      Thank you so very much for sharing. I was just thinking yesterday quite a lot of these doctors I've seen are men, and they really don't know what it all feels like. Many of them are so "textbook", if you know what I mean. And then I'm aware too that one can't just keep investigating every single symptom and discomfort right? There has to be a limit to the investigations and what ifs. It can be so emotionally exhausting.

  • cindy17746
    cindy17746 cat38281

    Edited

    I can relate to everything you're saying. Feeling pretty hopeless today, but hanging onto the idea that tomorrow will be a better day, and that someday, this will end, and life will be good again.

    • cindy17746
      cindy17746 cat38281

      Edited

      Oh my God! Thank you- I need that book. One of my biggest challenges is how much I struggle with my symptoms. I know I'm creating more suffering by pushing against what is happening to me. I'm ordering it today. xoxo

    • cat38281
      cat38281 cindy17746

      Posted

      I hope you find it as helpful as I did! Let me know 😃

    • fran54078
      fran54078 cat38281

      Posted

      Catherine:

      thank you so much for suggesting the book. I think one of my problems is that I do not know how to handle and deal this menopause thing.

    • fran54078
      fran54078 cindy17746

      Posted

      Cindy:

      I like your attitude. I need to think more like you. Thank you.

    • cat38281
      cat38281 fran54078

      Posted

      I think it's how we humans generally react to change and uncomfortable things. Like I'd written to Bev, one thing that I've been doing a lot lately is asking myself, can I let this go, even just a little? Can I accept it, just a bit, and not react so to it? I've realised a significant part of my suffering is my own reacting to what I'm going through, almost like an angry resistance. Part of easing one's suffering is letting go of that, and trying to be more accepting. Of course it's definitely not easy when one is in the midst of it all -- especially if one already was dealing with things like anxiety and depression -- but it helps to get one through, even it's just for the day, or even the next hour or few minutes.

      Curiously, I realise my comments suggesting the book have been deleted by a moderator -- I guess we're not supposed to recommend these things.. ? Oh well, I just thought to be helpful. Do feel free to message me any time you need a shoulder ❤️

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