Perimenopause: A Husband's Plea

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Three months ago perimenopause entered our lives without warning. Two days before, we shared another of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of intimate moments spiritually, emotionally, and sexually as a very happy married couple. Two days later I came home from work to see that my sweet wife had abruptly left, having found and moved into an apartment the same day. No warning. No fussing. No discussion. No thoughts regarding whether we could afford it. Nothing. We have a very sweet marriage. We are both strong Christians, love one another, and are deeply committed to our marriage. She says she loves me and is committed to our marriage.... and that she only moved to deal with menopause by herself. While I believe her and trust her completely, and will stand by her side without fail, this is very difficult. Rage, crying, depression, anxiety, panic, memory loss, confusion, anger, removed from me, beside herself. Twenty four - seven, these are our new friends. And we hate them!! worse, they say she has indeed had a mental breakdown through this. On top of this, I had to move out of our house bc we could not afford two households. Now I am staying in a hotel trying to regroup. She somehow manages to "show up" at a very stressful 65 hour week job that seems to keep the medicine from working quickly. She has been on bio HRT 6 weeks, and the meds are not right yet. They just did more bloodwork yesterday to correct it. So we continue to suffer, especially her, but me also. I have read and heard of lots of ladies struggling really bad like my wife and moving in an apt only to move back home with their husbands in several weeks or 3 or 4 months, but when it is you, it really hits home. So, I know no one knows how much longer this hell will last, nor how quickly I can move back home with her, but can you ladies offer any POSITIVE insight as to how much longer it should take to get the hormones corrected and I can move home with my wife?? Thank you.

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  • Edited

    Hi there,Not often is there a husband asking for support in this group. Have you thought about seeking support from other husbands, or your church?I don't think you will get a concrete answer on here as there is no time limit for this, perimenopause can last ten years, and each one of us deal with it differently.When you start working with hormone replacements, and medications it can either help or make things worse.It sounds to me your wife just needs a break, it sounds like she has a demanding job, and maybe home life is just too much for her right now.A lot of women going through this do need a break from

    people in order to cope and function. If you don't mind me asking what are you doing to help and support her at home? Are you helping her with the house work, meals, laundry and children if you have any?That makes a huge difference, are you giving her her space when she is at home? It is a big change on everyone, but communicating and being supportive of everything she is going through will help save your marriage.

    • Posted

      Hi. Thank you for responding. Regarding your specific questions, I do all laundry, all cooking, most dish washing, and about a quarter of the house cleaning, and she does the other house cleaning, except sometimes I help with that, as well., or she helps me. I also pay all the bills. I used to work long hours and have a high stress job, but now she does, so I do more than she does in our home, and of course, I should, so I do. Our kids are out of the house,..2 working and the other 2 are finishing college.

      We get along very well. Our marriage is not perfect, but it is far better than most. Her stress comes from her job. She is the CFO of a large company. She is under enormous stress there. I have tried to get her to quit repeatedly, but she is not ready to yet, though she is leaning that way more and more. Quitting would relieve much of her stress. it is THIS from which she needs that break you were noting!

      I have sought out a menopause help group at church or in the community, to no avail. She and I have discussed the fact that her work stress was not good for years - and that she needed a major break; we just did not know that break would be forced via hormone depletion. Btw, her hormone levels were all zero or right at zero in her initial blood work, as was her vitamin D, thyroid, and every other variable they measured. The psychologist told me that she is very close to wanting me to move back home. In the interim, I wait. And wait. And wait. And I must say that though I know she cannot help this, my patience is waning. Trying to help her as much as she will allow me while having to hold life together in some rudimentary form for us is difficult.

      So, she has been on bio HRT for 6 weeks, and they just began doubling her progesterone and will be making other changes next week. Do you have any idea how this stuff works? Will progesterone make her more loving...more like her old self??? She has always been so sweet, caring, and loving toward me, not removed..... Ideas???

    • Posted

      I truly am sorry to read you are going through all this. Progestrone is the calming hormone, when our adrenals are depleted due to high stress, it isn't long that progestrone is depleted. I think from reading this your wife needs to take a leave of absence from her job, and wondering maybe if the doctors can write up a medical note to her work.I could not imagine having a high stress job going through the change. I have my own home business that I am currently taking a break from.It sounds like things have been depleting in her for awhile now, and she was pushing through not listening to her body, a lot of us do this. The best thing you can do is be patient, I know its not easy to have your life turned upside down, but it is evident that you love her very much, so be patient, be kind and what my husband has done was read about perimenopause, there is books, and information on websites, it will help you understand.Maybe once she is feeling a bit better you both could sit down and talk about what can be done to support one another.

    • Posted

      I appreciate your kind words. I have tried to get her to quit her job for years. She is finally realizing her job is not worth her sanity. She even told me that last night. She is closer to quitting it than ever, so I am hopeful she leaves it soon. But just to prove my point, after I ate dinner a few minutes ago, I drove past her office of my way back to the hotel. Her car is still there! It is 8:00pm here! I have no idea how she is forcing herself to work when she can barely keep her thoughts straight most days.... let alone know why she would want to! Yes, I worry about the damage being irreversible if she does not stop this nonsense. She would not even need a medical note for a leave. But as the psychologist told me, she will quit one way or the other, and sooner rather than later. And of course, I will be here to pick up the pieces for us.

  • Edited

    Hi, I really feel for you. What we women go through, myself included, can be soul destroying and we sometimes forget that our menfolk struggle with it too.

    I'd been married to the most amazing husband for over 20 years, and we were totally devoted to each other, and then perimenopause started.

    Within a couple of months I'd completely changed. I was experiencing severe panic attacks, anxiety, not wanting to go anywhere, but worst of all I couldn't stand to be around him. I still loved him, but I no longer wanted any physical contact with him and the crazy thing was, I couldn't explain why.

    I picked on everything he did, made him feel unwanted and couldn't wait to see him leave for work every morning.

    Being the angel that he is, he told me he understood, he researched the condition and realised I couldn't help what was happening to me and he gave me space.

    I've not gone down the medication route, but with his support decided to just ride it out. Four years down the line, I feel I've turned a corner and am getting my old self back. I'm beginning to let him back in again and the intimacy is better than it ever was. I feel even closer to him now, as I appreciate what he's had to put up with. I figure he must love me an awful lot to have stuck with me, but then we made vows; for better, for worse.

    My advice to you would be to support your wife with what she needs to do to get through her nightmare. No one can tell you how long it will last, unfortunately, but you seemed to have a loving, trusting marriage so there's no reason to believe that it wont be that way again.

    I hope that this has given you a small glimmer of hope. There's so much more I could say, but every woman experiences this in different ways, so keep communicating with your wife so that you know exactly how she's feeling.

    Wishing you all the best and good luck x

    • Posted

      Thank you so much, Louise. I cannot tell you how much your words encouraged me. I have never seen anything so vicious as this. One day our life was laid out, and the next day our life was turned upside down. Perhaps the worst part about all this is just how irrational it all is. Nothing makes sense, and neither of us has any control over anything it seems. It seems like she is fighting an internal battle between doing what she has always done and what she knows she is supposed to be doing (loving me, etc) and something that the lack of hormones is doing (making her want to be independent or not know how to respond).

      She has asked me to just give her a little space to cope, and I am doing that. She struggles so badly with everything and everybody, but she seems to take everything out on me. I just listen and apologize... even for things I did not do. I try to encourage her daily, but even then, I only get to talk with her a few minutes at night. It is terribly difficult.

      I am guessing we will wrestle with this for a few years, so at this point I just want back in the house with her. of course, I cannot rush that either.

      She has been on bio HRT 6 weeks now, and they are revising her treatment plan now. Do you have any idea when she might be able to make more rational decisions and let me come home? I know my question sounds crazy to some people on here, but this path is not easy.

    • Posted

      Can you tell me a little more about your previous situation with your husband? My wife is removed from me, and I can do little right. She is so put out with life, and it all falls down on me. Last night we actually had a good conversation, the best conversation so far. We have a great marriage, far better than most. So, her behavior is so bizarre. She just doesn't treat me as she has the last few weeks. It is unreal. I know it is the menopause, but I still take it personally. So, did you even recognize how you were treating your husband then? Did not just not seem to have the ability to care anymore? My wife told me she realizes when she is being to me, but she said she does not seem to have the ability to stop it. Then she feels guilt. And the cycle starts over.

  • Posted

    Hi HBPHD, It sounds like your wife is really struggling....she might feel like its unfair to put you through this, by staying away, thinking she is preventing arguing, tension & stress on both of you, maybe she feels she is saving your marriage or just wants to be alone, as she just cant deal with it all...BUT, it is sad to me, as a married couple she would just walk away, my husband and I have been through hell and back, over & over with all kinds of medical issues, including this, and even though I have thought my husband would be better off w/o me, I WAS WRONG, we are a team FOREVER!! YOU BOTH need to talk to each other...nobody is a mind reader, she should tell you exactly what she FEELS/THINKS, you know about the EFFECTS but, why does she think she's better off alone, living w/o ANY support....something a husband would gladly help her through.....& what is it she WANTS & NEEDS?! You need to tell her how you FEEL without her there, what you are willing to DO, to help her....if you would rather deal with it as a couple, if you're willing to give her space &/or help with the things she finds to be overwhelming, she needs to KNOW(don't assume she should know)....maybe there is compromise or maybe she has made false assumptions, maybe she hasn't considered by blocking you out, it is NOT helping you & could create resentment. Communication is just so important....THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG SOLUTION HERE, respect each others positions & support each other...if after you talk, you agree its best she stays on her own for a while, at least you will KNOW exactly WHY, WHAT is her plan & it will help with the anxiety you feel. You do what works for YOU AS A COUPLE. If she isn't willing to even talk about it, or at least listen to what you have to say.....Maybe consult a marriage counsellor or maybe you each need your own therapist, just for now...try to be patient, it can take a while(a few weeks to a few months, for each tweak to doses) to get the hormones right but, once its right, you will most likely get your wife back....IF you truly love each other & it sounds that you do, after you communicate your way through this, things will be even better....It seems odd to me that living separate from your spouse is the solution for a medical condition, not at all anybody's fault but, if its what she needs, hopefully it works!! Hang in There and Take Care of Yourself.....Best Wishes๐Ÿ’’โ™พ๐Ÿ’žโ˜ฎ๐Ÿพ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŽถ๐Ÿ€

  • Posted

    Hi Sgt, LindaLee. She called me the other day upset and apologized for "causing" all of this. She thinks it is her fault. She knows it is hormone depletion, though she still feels responsible. She also said she is so lonely and alone and hated putting us through this. She is improving in terms of how she responds to me, though. She brought dinner here to the hotel when I had a kidney stone one night, and she asked my to meet her for dinner one night. And she now talk most nights. She has soften some around me and at least apologizes if she gets irritated with me, which is not as often anymore.

    We have a psychologist that has been working with us, but she has not been in a while. Fortunately, he knows a lot about menopause and has worked with hundreds of couples like us. I see him tomorrow, in fact. He thinks we are within a couple weeks from me moving back home. He has been correct on nearly everything so far, so let's hope he is now.

    Our marriage has always been about WE, including health issues. She feels guilty about all of this, and she is struggling with self worth. But she is improving, but gosh is it slow.

    I encourage her as much as possible, try to give her space, and listen. I am still on eggshells, so I try to listen more and talk less. And no matter what, I do not tell her what she should do! Been down that road a couple times, and finally learned that lesson.

    She is a great wife. Our marriage will survive. The wait is killing me - and her.

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