Perimenopause experience and thanks for how this forum helps me.

I am a self-confessed hypochondriac, have been for life.

I have clung to forums such as this, for a lifeline in my darkest moments and thank you, to all of you whose comments have got me through.

Forgive me this post will be long and I mean llllllloooooooonnnnnnnggggggg.

BUT, one of the worst aspects of the perimenopause for me has been the sheer terror of an increasing number of symptoms – some in themselves debilitating, coupled with my fluctuating belief that I am terminally ill because until finding shared experiences, I had no point of reference.

If one person reads this and it fits and it stops them from living in hell, then that’s a win. Saying that I am not a doctor, and whilst my experience may mirror some or all of your symptoms you do still need to get confirmation that what you are feeling is as a result of being perimenopausal. I am only writing this post after having tests to confirm that I am perimenopausal and tests that ruled out other nasties.

I am 50, this has been going on for probably for the last 4 years, but only recently have I joined the dots! That’s maybe because it started slowly, I was just getting an increasing number of symptoms in the week leading up to have a period and steadily the lead up period extended and then spread to after a period until eventually I were was to single figures of symptom free days and then even they abandoned me.

Mother Nature or whoever is in charge decided to open the flood gate!!

I know the perimenopause is dire, I really do and I am in no way trying to dimmish the impact but the following is written with a degree of humour as despite all of this crap humour is a bit of me that I retain and recognise and I will not let this stage of my life steal that as well.

This is written on a ‘good day’. I retain all the symptoms below – I have just started on HRT which has been changed today as it appears that I am intolerant of Progesterone, strange I don’t even know him.

My symptoms are below – this isn’t an exhaustive list, I am sure I can find more but these are ones that cause me most discomfort, pain, distress and/or anxiety:

1. Constantly feeling like I have an incurable, terminal condition. This aside from being debilitating, leads to and exacerbates many of the following other fun symptoms.
2. Anxiety – oh I was always a bit of a worrier, glass half full and that sort of thing. Not on the same scale as what it became. Glass half full went to empty, went to smashed against a wall and walked on with bare feet – or to put it better all-encompassing anxiety and that means that you cant have a cheerful or happy thought whilst the darkness reigns. Throw in panic attacks for good measure and you can be floored - quite literally.
3. Heart palpitations/rapid heartbeat – these are absolutely darlings aren’t they. Suddenly, with no warning or trigger you can feel your heart when previously you just contentedly accepted it was there. Not only can you feel it but you get to experience its every beat. Its not the normal heartbeat sound effect that you hear in movies. Oh no, its going at 2000 mph and it’s bursting out of your chest. Well, its not but it feels like it may – I have expected to have to chase mine on many occasions. Do you know the extra bonus? – When you can feel your heartbeat racing ahead like Redrum – you often get to feel/hear it stop or miss beats – nah it doesn’t but it feels that way and you may be just reaching for the defibrillator as you notice it ticking away again. OMG is it scary!!
4. Tinnitus / pressure in ears – oh please give me noises in my ears all day, every day until you get bored. Make the noises annoying and please make sure that no matter what I try to do to stop the racket nothing works. Add the feeling that you get when you put your tabs underwater – I get that minus the water.
5. Feeling weak – not just tired but done, heavy arms, heavy legs weak – like your body is so drained and without strength that it cannot possibly do your bidding. All of this whilst being fully capable of continuing to walk and bend and lift – but it doesn’t feel that any of these tasks will be possible. I can sit on the sofa looking at the kettle in the kitchen and be desperate for a brew however what it feels like I am facing is Everest, complete with snowy peaks but without the kit or support team.
6. Feeling dizzy/off balance– sometimes the room will spin, sometimes you feel faint – the radiator in the bathroom that you know is on the wall in front of you is now spinning and putting itself in the bath or you feel so lightheaded that you are ‘furniture walking’ for security. Feeling that you’re not so much walking in a straight line but ‘pin balling’ from side to side. Am I, no I don’t think so, but it certainly feels that way.
7. Impending doom – yep there looks like there is no prospect of pleasant things ever again in the future in fact you are convinced that something bad and I mean BAD is just over the horizon. The Grim Reaper appears to have become your internal voice and my goodness is he persuasive.
8. Constantly feeling unwell – the culmination of symptoms and the accompanying difficulties and sheer exhaustion means that there are commonly few good days – sleeping (if you sleep) is merely pausing to repeat.
9. Not feeling normal – no I do not! Most days I don’t recognise my aged self and I certainly don’t feel normal, in fact I feel a million miles away from me and the worst thing is that most of the time I can’t even articulate why or even what I am feeling/experiencing.
10. Agoraphobia – nope, I don’t want to go out – I don’t feel confident or comfortable enough. I don’t want to see people; I don’t want to make the effort that is required to achieve this. I want my bed, my quilt and pillow and for someone to gently wake me up when it’s all over.
11. Dental – my teeth have moved by about 3mm. I have gaps where I didn’t have gaps and happily now an accompanying whistle whistle when I talk as a result - massive confidence booster I find. Peri fun? No, it’s just not.
12. Being strangled – I am not! My other half has faults however not of the murderous variety. I know I am not being choked but it doesn’t stop the feeling and on some days I cannot bear anything near my neck because it will have become animated and it will be reaching out its sticky cotton filled fingers in its latest attempt to take my life.
13. Lump in throat/food getting stuck – yep get that too, admittedly not that often but I feel that the accompanying difficulties in getting the stuck food to move with the accompanying sweat are a long way from attractive – equally the wide eyed fearful look that I am sure I display each time it happens is not going to achieve me a wider social circle.
14. Leg heaviness – they are heavy and that’s because they are made of jelly. Am I walking or am I just heaving my legs behind me because they now weigh 17 stone each? My brain doesn’t control them, they go where they want to. Yes and no, they feel that way but in fact they are still behaving perfectly normally and continue to follow the beaten track.
15. No energy – I used to be so active – DIY, hobbies, badminton, walking – not now, feel free to do those things and happily tell me how its gone but please don’t expect me to join in. My energy reserves enable me to wake, work and sleep – that’s it.
16. Chest tightness/breathing issues – oh yes, this feels like my asthma that has always been controlled without any real issue. Now it feels anything but controlled. Does it have triggers like asthma commonly does? No of course not this is the perimenopause and it smacks you in the chest when you least experience it.
17. Random shooting pains – oh they are everywhere and for no good reason however just to make sure that I am paying attention, I will get them in my head which must equate to a stroke (it doesn’t) or in my chest which must be the much anticipated heart attack (it isn’t).
18. Intrusive weird thoughts – if you worried before the peri comes and smacks you up the side of the head with a cricket bat, then brace youself – add in thoughts that you would never normally think, that don’t even feel like they originate from you. Add in a pinch of doom and a smattering of absolute unreality and you will see proportionate responses leave rapidly by the back door.
19. Memory issues – almost forgot this one lol. Yep, I went from having a fully functional army of synapses, who had been exercised to competition level only to wake up one day and realise that most of the conscripts had left via my ear hole and my memory had been reduced to the strength, consistency, and sustainability of a chocolate fire guard. Yes, I still recognise my Grandson, but I will flatly deny any conversation we have had because my brain decided it wasn’t important and deleted its content and unlike Microsoft Word there is seemingly no undo button. I will continue to recognise you providing you look as you did 5 years ago and make no changes. If you ask me to do something - do it by text, phone, email with 15 minute reminders or ask someone else, because I will not have a clue.
20. Intolerance / rage – oh yes my patience and humanity can seemingly leave my body and leave me a murderous husk – out of character – oh just a bit I am Mrs Tolerant and patient and I have no idea where that bit comes from or why but I do now have a basic idea of red mist and the last time it was experienced with murderous intent was when the roasting dish didn’t fit in the dishwasher – rational/proportionate – absolutely not!!!
21. Brain fog / lack of concentration – mid sentence of the most crucial part of my story, the interesting bit aaannnnddd, no, sorry its gone! Its gone and it’s my story – HOW!! Staring blankly at a monitor, with no clue what I am doing or even where to now start from, in fact it can change to the screensaver and I wont notice. Tottling off with purpose and intent – get there and why am I there? No idea and this is the bit where I retrace my steps (if I can remember them) to the place where I was when I decided to go where I have just been in the hope that the purpose of the original trip reoccurs to me – does it? No in fact by the time I have got back to the beginning, I typically don’t know why I have gone. Having to think about the sequencing of routine tasks – right the lid of the tin is off the dog food – what’s next oh yes the fork, oh hold on there, where’s the bowl etc etc etc. I am now the proverbially well-behaved dog in the park walking genially by your legs until SQUIRREL!
22. Pins and needles / weird sensations / numbness – yes there is no where near enough going on so routinely please give me random and painful pins and needles, add a bit of creepy crawlies under my skin and then put the cherry on the cake and tell me that bits of me are now in fact numb – at this point I give the offending bit of me a hard pinch only to find that surprise, surprise THAT HURT and that the numbness is just another peri treat.
23. Shaky and clumsy – yes I know the sofa is there but randomly and with no intent I will walk into it. Not gymnastically somersaulting over the arm as you would expect from high impact collision just seemingly poor cornering and the fact that spatial awareness is now an elusive little chappy.
24. Cold feet – where did they come from – they’ve always been warm – I’ll take that – get rid of the other charming effects of peri and I will retain the feet of ice.
25. Weight loss – yes I had the opposite to the weight gain cited in many peri/menopause stories. I had just enough weight loss to make me self-diagnose cancer and with my anxiety and differing pains – I got to pick it being in a different organ almost daily. However, considering the lack of energy I had that meant that I really couldn’t be bothered to do more than pour hot water into instant oats once a day – is it really a shock? – me thinks not. Appetite – no I haven’t got one however throw in someone who cooks a meal I then follow the aroma of like the Bisto kid and I am ravenous and eat every bit.
26. Digestion & indigestion & reflux & nausea - after every meal with reflux, a ‘lump’ in the stomach from anxiety and bloating to the point that it wouldn’t surprise me if I had a valve in my ribs and an Imp with a foot pump and a smile. No I don’t have IBS but I might as well have because at different times throughout the month, I can probably tick every symptom. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that finishes off a good meal like a Gaviscon pudding or chaser! Well there is but Gaviscon is now like life’s milk itself, sent by angels to combat whatever is going on in my belly and associated bits and bobs. I have nausea that I can set my watch by its starts at 8pm and lasts for the next 2 hours.
27. Twitching face – oh the joys – give me twitches and please ensure that you make them on my eye or mouth so that when I do venture out I appear that I am smiling/winking without any reason to do so – it probably doesn’t look so severe – I have never been quick enough to the mirror to check but my word have I tried.
28. Chronic tiredness – in bed by 7pm and that feels a stretch and it would probably be earlier but that’s the grandsons bedtime!
29. Detached from reality – I am not, but I feel it, spacey, other worldy – who knows how to describe it but if you have the same sensation you will undoubtedly recognise it.
30. Pain under left rib – ouch, this one hurts and once its there it hangs around and takes a while to go.
31. Sugar lows – I am not diabetic but if I don’t eat regularly enough please make me shake and sweat and feel faint even if I last ate 2 hours ago but my body has forgotten.
32. ACNE – where in the world did that come through – I didn’t have it between 12 and 20 – what is going on. I’ll tell you spots!!! Loads of them and some of them babies is big!!! Some are incredibly painful and even 2 weeks later when the paid disappears you keep the lump that housed it for a good couple of months as if for company.
33. Dry skin – I am so lucky with this – I get this on my nose – regardless of what I do to relieve it, the skin breaks as if chapped and scabs. Therefore for 2 weeks out of 4 you meet Rudolf.

Thanks for helping me, hope this helps you x

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