Persistent non stop flashbacks now losing hope.

Hi Christina, that's really kind of you to respond. I don't have a psychiatrist no but regularly see a counsellor and keep in contact with my doctor. I have never taken an antidepressant for this because i don't believe in them after being given them years back and ignored on them, they left me feeling worse in the end. The problem i have is my family ignored this when it happened then swept both under the carpet, not a funny joke! I am determined to get there as i want to adopt and am running out of time!

Hi Sam.

You don't have to thank me for the reply but I appreciate it. i can also relate my disabilities being swept under the rug as I could not even get my Mother to attend a therapy appointment with me or a NAMI meeting as she did not believe me either. it is very hurtful. However, if you have not found any relief in anti-depressants possibly you may find sleep medication helpful if this is only happening when you are going to sleep and staying asleep. You may want to try a trauma specialized psyciatrist who may be able to help you. That is what I am also seeking in CBT.

It is worth at least an assessment to see if they can help you if you can afford it or have insurance.

I know it seems like there is no hope some days, I often feel like my time is running out as well. i wish I could help you further but this is what I know has helped me is sleep medication to fall asleep and avoid the wheels spinning all night.

please keep the hope. I know how difficult it is with zero support from your family as they don't have any idea what is going on in our heads or how to help.

Let me know what your therapist thinks about this psyciatrist recommendation.

I hope you do find relief and are able to adopt which as you know will require you to get decent sleep to heal correctly and faster.

I wish you luck in finding peace without family support and getting some much needed sleep.

Please don't hesitate to chat with me as it sounds like we have some commonalities.

I hope you get the results you are looking for soon as life is too short to live in this misery.

I also read a great book called The formula to forgiveness. This may be a good read for you especially during those restless nights.

KEEP THE FAITH and please keep in touch as I as I said can relate and am happy to respond to someone in need of someone to relate to.

Sincerely,

Christina

Hi Christina, after being hospital all day not very well i came home to discover i have just had this difficult experience reinforced by being told by my hospital that we were denied IVF because i didn't do what my hospital and doctor at the time said seeing psychiatry when they insisted that i had this knowing at 42 this was my last chance to have IVF or at least attempt it, so they both agreed that we were to denied IVF. I just can't get this out of my head i feel i have no faith as all i do is fail. I am Catholic but can't have a child after being raped as sex crushes every positive feeling and makes me feel so bad. Then i think about my husband church and the widrr family i've let down. I feel i have nothing. I clung on to hope knowing there may be a chance of a child to seal the gap in my heart that's been created through being raped then left and can't ever escape this. I have no thankfulness in my heart and the only label i feel i have is rapist's mule! I am absolutely distraught. What can i do with a heart so snapped and a family who don't care? I can't stop this pain, the damage was done through rape, maybe i should have been killed then! I am as good as dead inside! Sorry for length of post, this is how i feel.

Hi Christina, just a quick update to let you know i had so much last night that i cut off all my hair, i just lost it. That letter has shattered me. I can't stop hurting, i just feel like i've had everything reinforced as to how crxx a person i am. Now what do i do?

what letter shattered you? YOU really do need to get to a psycologist and/or a psyciatrist for medication asap. i hat to hear you are suffering so much. I wish i could help more but I CAN ONLY OFFER THE KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCES I HAVE.

Will you please go see someone? That sounds to me like what you need to do.

Well I CAN SHARE THAT AT 46 I was unable to have a child myself 18 years of a very narcissistic marriage. i share your pain as I WAS NOT ONLY SEXUALLY ABUSED AS A CHILD BUT SEVERELY PHYSICALLY ABUSED! NEGLETED AND ABANDONDED AT 16. I was left behind with a raging alcoholic with severe abuse and a younger sister to raise.

Then i entered vulnerably into a very emotionally and mentally abusive relationship that ended in divorce which sparked up my extreme PTSD.

i wake up all night when I don't take medication and listen to non stop audio hallucinations reminding me of everything i have ever done wrong in my entire life, every flashback to situations and a lifetime full of extreme narccisstic abuse. i personally would also love to have the unconditional love a child brings into your life. However, I also know that if I am not healthy, my child would not get the care that it would require. So possibly your DR's don't think you are mentally stable enough right now for that process in your life right now.

You do have resources and time, I have heard of women single in their 50's who choose to adopt possibly an older child who are often overlooked and left in foster care for their lifetime.

I would start to really try and focus your attention away from your family, having a baby while you are still not mentally stable and focus all of your energy to get yourself healthy by following the guidance of professions which is your psyciatry team.

i wish you didn't receive such tough news last night but possibly

they are just doing what is best for YOU right now which is getting you beyond your past abuse, family lack of support and focus on getting your head healthy.

i can tell you that there are millions of self help exceptional books out there that have helped me tremendously recommended by my therapist.

i find reading others similar stories helps me know I am not just crazy as you think you are. You are unfortunately mentally ill which I can truly relate to because it does feel like nobody believes in you or nobody is there to support you.

That is when you have to keep the faith that God has a purpose for you, although it may not be showing how you projected it to be, there is purpose or you and you never know when you become mentally stable, you would get the green light on adoption possibly. There are millions of children like us who have no family who desperately need one. and you may just find the perfect match to fulfill becoming a healthy and happy Mother vs. a shattered overwhelmed Mother and live happily ever after without the need of your family. i don't. i have learned through my struggles that the only person you can truly rely on in your entire life is yourself.

So why don't you head to books online if you are isolating right now or to a bookstore and grab a book that appears to be relevant to your situation. and as I said, i would follow the direction of the professionals to get yourself stable and healthy. Can you honestly think that you would be able to mentally handle a child right now with swirling flashbacks, depression, anxiety etc....it would probably not be the best way to "fill that void" as you referenced until you are mentally well which unfortunately takes deep pain as you mentioned, a loss of all hope and a false sense that we can handle more then we actually can. It is definitely not your fault in any way but you unfortunately are the only one who can get yourself pulled back together through tough work!

If you put in the fight and utilize the resources available to you, you will get through this. im sorry to hear you cut off all of your hair last night u it will grow back. You continuing this abusive cycle will not just get better by itself unfortunately. Mental illness is very severe and requires tremendous strength from within. I hope you are able to pull yourself up today, follow Dr's instructions, grab and read some good books and literally start from scratch at rebuilding yourself back to prior to your unfortunate sexual abuse. then you may start to find the strength to feel better, proactively get involved in a support group of like minded women and share your story without fear or judgement.

Try and look at today as a new day into a new life. A very sweet friend once told me, "If you keep looking in the rear view mirror that is all you will see instead of the wide open road ahead of you that may be full of opportunities for happiness" I too have to remind myself of this so I can definitely relate to how empty and disgruntled you feel. But as I said, it is going to take these really rough times to find the rainbow ahead of you on that wide open road called good mental health and stability.

i hope you find peace today. I hope you are able to stop looking in the rear view mirror, see how beautiful you are, God created you for a reason and it certainly wasn't just to live an unhealthy life with so much pain.

I WISH YOU THE BEST FOR TODAY? YOU NEED SLEEP! I also go completely crazy without it! get some sleep, talk to your therapist or a crisis line if you just need a positive voice of reason. and then take a look ahead of you and what you need to do that can get you well the easiest and most effective way possible.

Does that make sense to you? I hope so, because I wrote this lengthy letter to hopefully help you and let you know you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

PLEASE keep in touch as I cant wait to hear your progress which will come by following through with what you have to do to move forward and get some absolutely necessary rest and sleep and forget about anything or anyone other then you and your health.

God bless you!

I pray for rest and relief for you as soon as you put your entire self into your mental health!

Christina

At 45 i feel i should keep silent about what i've been through your story is really sad and awful! How do you know someone is narcissistic? That's what i've read that i've got! Last night my rapist told me to cut my hair, that he'd won and i would never be a mum. I feel absolutely crushed, i have cried so much today my head hurts. As my husband is so strong the child that we hopefully adopt for us would be very very cared for. The child would be my priority, not being raped! That would no longer matter, i will be my rapists. They will be in the gutter, but the fertility counsellor has put pave to that, so the only reminder i have in my mind is my rapist's words - you'll never be a mother i will make sure of that! Can u ask how do you know i am mentally ill? Why does my so NOW insist on medication when she did not do anything once i left my last counsellor! I have no trust in her now, she has broken that! As for my faith being Catholic has me torn but i have an exceptionally understanding priest, who has said the church won't turn their back on me. That's good to know, i don't think my church are snubbing me. As for a child i have had specialist PTSD counselling and she has luckily given me some strength but being so physically ill, is now stopping me from getting to this counsellor who understands and breaks down what is going on. I have had some specialist rape counselling and now PTSD counselling. I am trying to get strength back so my child can come home. I know in my heart this is the correct thing to do. My husband is so strong and being denied IVF has given us even more determination, this is what we both really want. Counselling is so tough, maybe i have reached rock bottom. I am NOT staying there, that child is my reason for recovering. I truly have so much love to give. You look at the past with hindsight and wish you had done things differently, i think this - those 2 thugs will die before me, that gives me some comfort, a little but some! The other thing is despite my mum not being touchy-feely this 1st thug went to work bitten, beaten and sore after touching me. But it still hurts! Thanks and i'll pray for you if you pray for me;

i am glad to hear you do have a really supportive husband and therapy surrounding you at such a difficult time with such a nightmare of a disability! I hope whoever did to you get's PTSD and thinks about the horrific act they did you.

As you know, PTSD is so horrible especially when you have the rotating flashbacks, that is why I hope they get what you have, you recover and are able to reach your dream of becoming a Mother. I know it definitely isnt easy but during your tough days like crying so hard all day, you need some sort of distraction such as therapy appointment, reaching out to a crisis line, reading a book that relates to what you are and have been through. That has really helped me. They will even send a crisis counselor to your home to just talk to you and offer their assistance. I had one come to my home and it really helped me. It was just comforting having a new set of ears to listen to with complete understanding. They were wonderful to me and for me. So you may want to seek that out as an option as well. Where do you live? I would be happy to research and find you a crisis contact in your area to come over and talk with you. JUST LET ME KNOW AND I PROMISE I WILL HELP IN ANY WAY I CAN!

you try and get some rest, please stop crying as that is only going to make things more difficult for both you and your husband.

Take care of yourself and let me know if I can help you.

Hi Christina finally someone who understands me. I have just written a letter through to the parliamentary ombudsman that deals with this sort of thing. That women can apologise. I like your comment. I am gunning for her. I read the letter again from the hospital, that vile woman deserves no job as she has defamed both my husband and i's characters so that's why i've written the letter, as for the 2 thugs who did this they really can drop dead, and hopefully soon! I will consider a crisis counsellor, i could have done with one on Thursday. I have stopped being so upset, i am now vengeful. Get that cow!!!! If i need someone else we have a go between who we can call on, who i see or contact often. My sister is going to try to get me little job just so i have some £, also our local hospice in Leicestershire want to see me soon about volunteering. I will be OK, only thing is this lady doesn't realise she's messed with fire! Aw shame for her.

GOOD MORNING.

I am glad to hear you have taken action and I too hope that the thugs that did this to you drop dead. I am also glad to read that it sounds you are feeling more stable. Hopefully its from getting much needed rest and reaching out with your letter.

I hope you get results that she does get whats coming to her and you continue to get stronger each and every day!

I wish nothing but good for you with peace, serenity and rest.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

keep in touch as you progress as I do think of you and wonder how you are doing every day.

Best of luck with your letter!

Hi Christina, thanks so much for saying such nice things! I feel more positive at times but then i feel really negative at times. Hopefully things will work out for the better! I'm thinking of you too, you take care.