Please advice me
Posted , 5 users are following.
Dear sir/madam,
Hi I am from India and I have came here in UK on a spouse visa. My wife is a British citizen and I have married to her on June 2014.
I am writing this mail because I am in a situation that I don't know where I stand now.
I and my wife met on June 2013 and we fell in love with each other and after that we have been in contact with each other since in June 2014.
On December 2013 we had our first argument on whatsapp and it was like I had a headache and so I told her that I don't want to talk with you right now. Since then she always sees me as a weak person. After our marriage and engagement I am my wife were at my home in India. Over there at dinner party with my cousins i didn't asked my wife what she ll have for dinner and my brother asked and I was busy in ordering the other menu and so my wife and my Mother in law thinks that I don't care my wife. It's a past I do care my wife but this senario always make them think that I don't care my wife. After June 2014 my wife went back England and I was in India. On whatsapp she use to remind me these things and it hurt her and I said I was sorry and I will change. Sometimes we do argue on whatsapp but the reason of that argument was these things that happen. I ask what she had for food, what you doing and all that it's like all loving couple do and so I ask her tell her but she thinks that she doesn't want to ask me and tell me , she tells me that you are not s baby that everytime she have to tell me to eat to do this things and all that.
We were good sometime and we were arguing also but it was ok until. Jan 2015.
In Jan I had to lose my job because they were not giving holiday for my Indian marriage with my wife and so I have to lose it also my wife said to me that I have to wait no longer time for my visa and so after my marriage done and she went back to UK I did nothing at home just waiting for my visa. But it took very long time for visa and my wife now says me that you did nothing in these months just had rest and were at home doing nothing. It's is true but my parents had said to me that spend that time with them so I was not working there and was at home.
But before that what happen after my Indian marriage is a something to tell you. During my marriage I was with my wife all time because I didn't had job. My wife came here to marry me and she wanted to spend time with me and so I was with her always except the three day of Indian marriage that's tradition. Now during that time my wife feel that everybody was focusing on me. I was number one priority for everyone than her and she didn't feel that i didn't do anything for her and this she didn't tell me at that time. All the argument which have happen she didn't tell me at that time. It's when I force her to say coz she stop chatting and talking with me. Don't eat and do stupid things then I ask her what happen and then she say that I did this thing and I did that thing and this is my mistake . That's what she says that I do mistakes so much.
Now talking about honeymoon we went to Mauritius and it was my first experience in going out of country. My wife has been out of UK and so I thought she might help me in understanding all this thing of shopping and everything.
We were at swimming pool and in water everything get enlarge and so I called that you look fat. Then she didn't said to me anything that she is hurt but it was later on at Dubai she told to her parents and then I came to know that it hurt her. And due to this she wasn't eating food and trying to keep fast and not eating anything after she came to UK. when we were on a tour in Mauritius we had gone at restaurant for lunch and I looked at the menu and it was quite expensive and so due to this my wife thought that I am stinky in nature. Also in hotel sometime i ask for free drink and so this also makes her feel that I am stinky in nature. We were in half board. She thinks that I can't afford to buy a drink for my wife. But she had never told me that I want that drink or I need to drink this. It's all what I did she thought of my nature.
And because of my stinky nature after restaurant she was unhappy with me and upset and she wasn't talking with me. We went here and there like I was behind her explaining this that its my first time out of country and first time I am living in hotel. I had never experience of this hotel before I am from very middle class people in India. And so when we went to mall I asked her to help me buy thing so that we can give everyone in India and she refuse to help me and so I left her hand and went to sales assistant and ask him what is famous in Mauritius and I can but it. I didn't look back to my wife and I went with the sales guy. Few mins I look for my wife and she was around there . I told her to come with me now and she was so angry that she doesn't wanted to come. She felt that I left her in the mall. That night also she was sleeping in the room and I was in the balcony and we both we crying. We were apart for that moment. After that we were good but in her mind all this things she kept it and never forget it.
After Mauritius my wife family and me went to Dubai and there also it was all in her mind. She didn't tell me all the things she got hurt at that time but it was all in her mind. And in Dubai when my brother in law,my wife and me went to water park it was a disaster. They both enjoy the park and I was like first timer just watching everything and like what first times person do and so she was also unhappy that I was not being with her. My wife was there before also in her childhood but for me it was first time.
At that night she complain all my mistakes to her parent what happen in Mauritius, in India everything and my in laws just scolded me, and her also because of my mistakes and told me to change. Now as a Indian person it's different culture and in UK it's different. I am not rationalling myself but yes I told that I ll change. My wife expect to change as per UK boys and that I wasn't. And it takes time to change.
Now after I came here in UK it was our first argument when she was at work and I had put my CV online and applied some of the jobs and she doesn't know I have done coz it was just like I wasn't job for months and I just applied it coz I need to work. And a few days I got an interview on my mail. That I showed to my wife that I have a got a mail for interview and she was so angry. She told me that why do you applied for the job she had done so hard to bring me here and you if I get job how can we spent time with each other. This what she said was also after she was upset and she didn't talk with me and she told that to her parents and her parents explained me and then she told me that why she was angry. After that I took my CV from recruiters and didn't search for job.
Meanwhile my wife was in so depression because of all her work, because of what happen with her in India, Mauritius and Dubai. And so we were just living life but sometime she get angry and upset and depressed because of her work and because of all this and she stop talking with me.her mental health was also not stable.
And again one day I got a mail about my status of work and so I just reply that I am ready for work. I was waiting for my NI number and after that I can work as my father in law told me. My wife doesn't know as it was just a mail about my status and few days later I got a mail for interview and my wife was at work so I message her that I got an interview at Northampton and she told me that she doesn't want to involve in this matter and next day I had interview and she said to me that she doesn't want to wish me best luck or she isn't support me if I get a job. After interview we were talking as she was just keeping away from me. She had told me that she doesn't want to see my face and so I just live in that home without talking to my wife. After few days I got a phone that I got the job and I messaged her that I got the job as she was at work. She replied bad words, and wanted to die herself but my brother in law and my wife grandmother went to pick her up and went to her aunty home. That was like night mare and I didn't went to her because of she doesn't want to see my face and another reason my in law family stop me because of her nature.
After her aunty explained so much to me and to her we again began to live as husband and wife.
But after that also she was giving me chances for what I did should never happen again and so I was like doing all things with her safely. Our arguments were continued for few days and few days she is happy. After few weeks I raised the topic of the Northampton because she wanted me to prove that I couldn't do what she did for me. She wanted me to prove that I didn't get job here as it is very difficult and so I said that they way I did was something proof and before she I gin my statement she hit me on my hand and said bad words and just told me to divorce.
Another story was like after we went to center parcs her body was so in pain, she was having blood in urine and so she was infected in her urinary bladder and so I told that I will go for walk and you have rest . And she told me that she wanted to come but because of her pain and so I said no to her. And she got so angry she thrown things in room coz she felt like I was controlling her.
I had problem of snoring and she had said to me that I do heavy breathing and so she doesn't want to sleep with me, neither walk with me beside.
We had lots or arguments and blame was all over me because what I did. My in laws were also in support of her and blame me for everything. I don't have to say much and in relationship we had arguments but in ours she was so much angry and wanted to die , scratch herself in her body saying this is way she controls herself, she had said so many bad words to me, she even thrown food over ground and told me to eat , she had hit me on my hand twice in her anger. Right now she told me that she need space and I don't understand what space she needed. Apart from that she and my in laws have threaten me to call home office and deport me back in India.
Moreover in these four months we had good time but much time we argued so much so that my in laws have to involve in this. I always use to be calm in every argument and she been furious.
She said she hates me so much now . She wants to be separate with me now but always says me this is your last chance.
Right now situation is like she ignores me so much, she is happy with her family but not with me. It's like I am living as a guest. No one is talking with me or talking is just like normal stuff. My wife and me neither share any future thought or talk about us future. I have been alone and I try to be involve in this family by talking or doing anything with them. My wife has taken my phone ,actually she bought me here so it's her phone ,twice that I am always doing something on phone. Yes I do because we weren't talking with each other, what other source do I have. As this is new country for me there are no friends nothing. This is what I thought but I can't say to her. It's been four months we both aren't happy with each other sometimes she is happy and so do I and sometimes she is so bad just ignoring me, not talking with me. She happy with her family but not with me.if any information is to be said to me it's indirectly saying things to someone in front of me. Also she is testing me each and everytime that I have change or not. That I do love her or care her but she doesn't . She want proof that's why she and my mother in law test me everytime.
Please help me .
1 like, 6 replies
jackie82937 Snehal125
Posted
What an awful situation to be in. If I had married someone I loved I would be looking after them helping them to settle in and doing what I could to ensure they were happy. Your wife sounds very controlling, it certainly sounds like she has serious issues, she's acting like a spoilt brat.
Anyway what are your options, what could you do? Would going back to India be an option for you?
Take care x
Snehal125 jackie82937
Posted
She is like controlling in nature.
She wants me to be like British people like she tries to dress me like she wants, she comb my hair like her brother used to do. She doesn't like Indian people and so she want me to be like British. She tells me what to do and what not to do. Right now as because of my situation I ask her what to do and what not to do coz this country is new to me. I don't have any friends nor family.
deirdre._03652 Snehal125
Posted
Tancam Snehal125
Posted
Your story touched deeply. It goes to show that not only women suffer mental and/or physical abuse within the four walls where they should be able to feel safe to give and take love.
Your wife may very well suffer some mental problems, have insecurities, a need to manipulate to make up for other shortcomings or expectations too high for any man to fulfill. She may very well have been abused herself in the past or been deeply let down which her family would know about and which then could explain why they only see her side of the story.
This, however, does NOT mean that you should become a victim. You're a grown man and, by what you say, a nice man. It is always difficult settling into a new culture. She should help you as well as accepting that you still will keep your own culture within. Both have to understand that it is possible to embrace more than one way. She would have to embrace yours too, - else there will never be equality between you and you seem to be a guy who wants peace and equality. Right now though; you seem to be too focused on peace at the expense of equality. That can never work.
Do you really love a woman who treats you like this? You mention being 'tested'.
Why would she and her family test you? If they think you're over here in the UK to be supported by their daughter..: Do they know that she is disencouraging you from working? Perhaps she's playing her family too?
But, hey man, you have made some tough decisions and you can make some more. You are stronger than you feel right now!
I found this site: http://new.mankind.org.uk/
These are people who can relate to your dilemmas. They're not there to tell you to divorce - that would be your decision. They are there to listen and to give practical comments and any advice you ask them for.
ps If your wife has got an underlying personality disorder (mental condition): Your kindness and your taking the blame and guilt for all that goes wrong, will not help her.
ursulauc62 Snehal125
Posted
If she is being so difficult because she really doesnt want to be with you, you would both be better just ending your marraige.
Snehal125
Posted
Thanks for advising me or helping me to think in my situation.
I would also like to add some personal matter in this discussion. It's about my heavy breathing which she feels that I breath heavily. apart from all these things happen I was like limited in speaking in this family, I was keeping a bit distance with my wife but still I talk to her and there was no reply so I just finish in one sentence or ask her. Because of my heavy breathing she told me to do yoga and walking and etc and I so I ask to come walk with me but over there also she told me that you breath heavily either walk in front of mine or back of mine we won't walk together and so I did. Because of this heavy breathing there is no lie nice in room, we can't talk with each other with silence and she played music in room. And we had sex once after all this argument and that too she wasn't enjoying because of my heavy breathing. It was like few mins and then we done. I asked her if she is in some tension or afraid. She said she is ok. I feel like why did I had sex with her. And because of my heavy breathing I feel in my mind that shall I stop breathing.
To be honest right now there is no love for her to me, affection is minimum, respect is lost or very less coz after she hit me on my hand and thrown food over me her father told her that I am like guest and respect guest so she is having less respect not as a husband , no care.
More over I would like to tell you that she had done a lot of had work to prove everyone in our caste that she had brought me in a very less time period. She had done everything to bring me here and so in argument she also wants me to prove something, to prove that I do love her, I care her because in her mind it's like I don't love her, care her whenever she is angry or do stupid a things or whatever I have done in past that hurt her. She thinks that i should stop her doing all this things but I think that if she know that it is a stupid thing why she doesn't stop herself and expect me to stop her. When she is angry she doesn't listen to me. How can I stop her if she isn't listening.