Please can someone give me some advice?

Posted , 6 users are following.

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 5 months ago and 3 and a half month ago he left our home. This occurred after months of him working lots of overtime, spending little time with family and friends, drinking most evenings, complaining of aches and pains and experiencing insomnia. 

Since my ex decided to break up with me and move out, like practically everOther person dealing with a depressed partner, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. One week he would be sorry for leaving and want to resolve issues,  but the next I would receive emotional abuse. At first I believed when my ex broke up with me that I was a horrible partner toward him. After all, I was being told that I had caused him nothing but upset and stress that no-one else caused him on a daily basis. My first thought was that I need to get help from a professional to become a better person who would be loved in a relationship. After a couple of sessions I began to feel better about myself and felt a change for the better; I became more confident and happy. My ex thought it was fantastic but as soon as I suggested he seek professional help his attitude changed. Just recently it dawned upon me that perhaps my ex has been depressed for most of his adult life and that I mistook his depression as mood swings/being over tired/under pressure from work. My professional suggested that perhaps my low self esteem suited my ex at the time as I was more than happy to take responsibility for anything that went wrong in our relationship. 

Over the past couple of months despite moving out my ex has still been speaking to me/seeing me and telling me how he is still feeling depressed. However he refuses to seek professional help and thinks he can work through it alone. More recently the more I try to suggest help/a solution the more verbal and emotional abuse I have received to the point where I avoid conversations with him about anything other than every day topics. A lot of the time now I am ignored or he will not engage in any form of conversation with me unless he feels like he wants to speak with me. I took great comfort in readingarticle about depressed men shutting their partners out, but not completely, but far enough just so they felt comfortable and knew you were there if they needed you. 

Just yesterday, two days after I spoke with him and he said he would talk to me about the way he was feeling, he told me he cannot stand that 'I am so happy' and 'it's like I'm on happy pills'. I was then told that he blames me completely for the way he feels and it is all my fault for him not wanting to be in a relationship and for him not wanting a family. As if that was not enough I was then told that he is happy now and that I shouldn't bother him anymore because he will deal with his problems without any help, and that he has wasted 4 years of his life with me and it is now time for him to get his revenge. As I'm sure you can imagine I was left completely baffled by his conflicting points. 

My family and friends think I should move on, but again like most women I am clinging (unfortunately) to the memories that I have where we were blissfully happy and I want those times to return. 

Does anyone have any useful advice?  

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    First id say if he wants any kind of relationship with you he has to seek help if he is unwilling then id walk away because you have felt better for it and its made you a better person take some time for yourself and move on if he is as stubborn as I think then his problems aren't gonna go away overnight no matter what he says he needs to swallow his pride and grow up there is no shame in seeking help to become better he may not see depression as an illness but he is wrong as you know you feel better yourself after a few sessions but you're not the one who is depressed if you keep on at him to get help he will only lash out more and more at you and that will bring you down again be a strong person learn from this and enjoy your life he will get help when he is ready hopefully sooner rather than later
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  • Posted

    First of all I'm sorry you had to go through all that, whether he has depression or not you don't deserve to be dragged down sad

    If that person is in denial and thinks they can go through it alone, there's sadly nothing you can do.. Depression runs in my family and my mum is extremely depressed and in complete denial and no amount of talking will even start to change her mind. Even I thought for years I could beat depression alone and have only just started now wanting help, no amount of talking to persuade me did anything to change my mind either. 

    It's sounds like you have been through a lot but there comes a point where you have to just say enough is enough.  I'm sorry but I would say move on aswell purely because I don't think you deserve to be hurt anymore.

    By the looks of it you were somebody he would let his hurtful emotions out to which is sometimes how I end up if in feeling that low, I can't help it but without professional help I bottle everything up and hurting someone does make me slightly better even though I regret it later.

    I can't say move on, I have never been in a relationship where I love somebody but I know it's not as simple as those 2 words. Stay strong and realise you didn't deserve what has happened to you and try to take each day as it comes... Hope I helped somehow :P Take care x

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  • Posted

    You are being far too patient and kind towards your ex partner, almost as if you are still taking the blame and wanting his life to be perfect for him. He has to start to see that nobody is entitled to be happy, let alone to be very happy all of the time.

    Happiness is something we earn if we put a lot of effort into something. He has made excuses for his behaviour and you are going along with it to a certain extent.

    In a way you are like an enabler helping an addict to continue with their addiction because when he says he wants another bottle of whisky you give it to him.

    You have to decide to either walk away and start a life without him, and stop hanging around where it is neither one thing nor the other. OR you give him an ultimatum where he goes to a proper therapist (both of you are mistaken in thinking you can sort things or work things out alone). He will make excuses and huff and puff but he has to do this to (a) get better and be someone worthy of you and (b) show that he cares enough about you and the relationship to take this step and make this effort. At the moment he is behaving like a baby who throws his rattle out of the pram. And you keep bending down and picking it up for him.

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  • Posted

    Yes ditch him.  Take his number out of your phone and refuse his calls and emails.  There is nothing for you to cling on to now is there?  memories are just that - memories.  The sooner you get him out of your life the sooner you can open yourself to a new life and maybe new potential partner.  He is doing the selfish trick of blaming you for his problems when he has only himself to blame.  He doesn't worry about your feelings does he?  Why are you worried about his?  You are not his mother!  x
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    • Posted

      You are 100% correct hypercat but you fail to see that this person needs this guy.Lots of people are lame ducks and they hang on to other lame ducks. They then say this is why they are unhappy. He is blaming her for being unhapoy and she is blaming him. They are both doing the same thing in different ways.. No way would they ditch each other. They would no longer have an excuse and would have to be more grown up and face reality The one thing that drew them together was that.
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    • Posted

      Maybe carmel but I can only talk to the poster not the bf.  I agree some people are in collusion with each other but I think you are being a bit quick to say they are both 'lame ducks'.  None of us knows the full story or the bf's side so I prefer to err on the side of caution in giving any advice.   
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  • Posted

    Rebecca,

    if there is any bitterness at all in the break up then something was fundamentally wrong somewhere.  If I were you I would move forward and look for love elsewhere.

    Richard

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  • Posted

    I can relate to the last sentence, second paragraph and third paragraph. There is a saying: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it does not, then it was never meant to be".
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