Please help

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for the past 5 yrs my daughter has had extreme behaviour problems. she is verbally an phsyically aggressive towards myself and family members. she would refuse to attend school, hurt herself, write comments on her walls about hating me and herself. after trying to cope myself i begged for help. her school laughed, as although her attendance was down she is bright an respectful at school. i finally got someone to take notice an after parenting classes, family support worker, therapy, mental health support, MST, social services an everything else i can think of, yesterday my world fell apart. the experts say she doesnt have a mental health problem an she chooses to behave the way she does an can control it. i ave no idea what to do anymore 

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  • Posted

    iv never heard of anything so stupid ,theres always a reason 

    my daughter was a lovely girl till she hit teenager then she was horriable to me doing simulair to what your daughter has done to you writting horrid things about me on her bedroom wall etc showed me no respect , i turned her out at 17 was not taking any more and the letters she wrote me was pure nasty broke my heart. 

    in her case i think it was just ragging  teenage hormones because now at 27 shes my nice daughter again ,allbeit moody some times. 

    i dont know the age of your daughter you didnt say .

    you could try some flower remdies .to balance her mood by matching her symptoms to the remedy . she may be just trying to push boundries you have to stand firm , remember a girl going from child in to puberty is a big rush of hormones and so is starting your period so these changes could be happening to her and she dosent know how to cope .like i said you dont state her age . but i presume shes around teenage .. remember to set and keep boundries no matter how abusive or hurtful she becomes children need to know you wont back down to feel safe. my daughter used to cut her self used to drive me mad iv never understood , she could never explain i was just there now when she gets depressed she gets a tattoo which i dont like but rather that then cutting. 

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    • Posted

      im so pleased someone comented. my daughter is 14, her problems started ova 5 yrs ago when we moved home an i had a new baby. i know her behaviour started because of attention which is why i tried to manage on my own. but because of her behaviour all 3 of my children were placed on a child in need plan, the two younger ones due to emotional abuse from my daughter an she is on it because she is at risk ov death by miss adventure! ive lost my job an been put on medication due to the stress. i love my daughter but i dont know if i can do anymore then i have
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    • Posted

      i know you love your daughter but right now you dont like her.

      and just as i thought it started as puberty hit her , so many changes going on in her body and you had your time being used up on a new baby 

      thats not your fault , but you have to understand that how shes behaving isent really hers , women get personality changes with the menopause its just the same with your daughter now where we at menopause hormones drop hers a racing around and shes trying to make sense , of whats ahppening to her, and of course moving house at that time wouldnt have helped . not your fault either its just life hun ,

      she wouldnt be the middle child would she , you say 3 i dont know if thats including her. this also is diffitcult . my daughter was the middle one. 

      can you afford to treat her to a weekly treatment of say reflexolgy  which would make her feel special and help balance her hormnes . its very good for calming and balacing, by the sounds of it you could do with a treatment as well, i no its pricey but if you have a colleage near by that does complementry therpy course they do offer discounted treatments  to the public for there pupils to do there training on its always done under supervision so theres no danger, maybe you could do it together. another one that would be good would be essential oil massage .

       

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  • Posted

    Hi there

    I am a behaviour specialist with my own business on the Gold Coast Australia and i work with challenging and unwanted behaviour as part of my business.  Some key principal of what we teach is that:

    (1) All Behviour Happens For A Reason  

    (2) Unwanted behaviour is a result of anxiety

    (3) Definition of Anxiety: "Anxiety is not feeling equipped to manage what is front of you (Serge Benhayon)

    (4) A person is not their behaviour!  At the core of every person is an awesome, amazing loveable being.  Behaviours used by people are not always amazing.

    (5) to truly support behaviour change we must first understand why this behaivour is occuring (it is happening for a reason, even if we do not know what this reason is).

    Bringing all this together, what is really being said here is that your daughter is using the behaviours that she is using in response to her not feeling equipped to deal with whatever life is presenting her.  Based on what you have shared, it would appear that she is attempting to control and maniupalte those in her life to make the world the way she needs it to be ... so she feels more equipped to respond to life!  The way to truly support her is to:

    Firslty not take her behaviour personally, rather come from a place of 'understanding' in that you know that she is using this behaviour in an attempt to change her experience of life so life becomes  in a way she feels more equpped to respond to (unfortunatley she is being controlling in the way she is doing this, but currently this is her developed skill to help her naviagte life - not appropriate, just understanding there is a reason). 

    Secondly we attempt to identify what are all the aspects of life that she does not feel equpped to respond to (this can be a dififuclt process and often requires support to do so)

    Laslty, lets teach her the skills that will allow her to self master these aspects of life without requiring her to use any behaviours that attempt to control/maniupulate other people to change her own experieince of life.  Thus she becomes her own master of life.

    As a side note ... I undertsand that it is difficult when you don't require the support from the mental health field.  The key to remember is to trust yourself along the way and not give your power away to those that carry a title.  You know your daughter more than any professional and thus trusting yourself is important.

    The key is remembering that your daughters behaviour is equally your trigger for anxiety (i.e., the aspect of life you do not feel completely equipped to respond to).  Thus the same process above relates to you ... in that your steps are to simply acknowledge this is a part of life you do not feel compleltey equipped to manage and be willing (as you have shown here you are) to ask for support!  The support that will benefit the most is to help you delveop the skills to understand and communicate with you daughter in away that does not allow her to control or manipulate you or those in her life.  Also remembering there is no quick fix, rather understanding behaviour and skill development takes time but a small step by step process will bring gradual but lasting change. 

    Trust this will support

    Warm regards

    Tanya Curtis

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