Please help

Posted , 6 users are following.

I stopped taking my medication (citalopram 30mg) two weeks ago. Not because I felt better but because I hate myself so much I dont want to get any better or lose the drive to kill myself. I was in psych hospital two weeks ago for attempting to kill myself but I realised I dont have it in me. This has made me feel worse because that was my only way out and now I dont even have that anymore. So I was angry with the medication for taking that away from me and stopped taking it.

Now im suffering from really bad withdrawals with the worst anxiety ive ever experienced and these electric shock sensations and feeling really panicky and low.

I had an appointment with my gp today and wanted to tell him but I bottled it and ended up just saying I wanted to switch to something else and so hes referred me back to the cmht for a psychiatry outpatient appointment.

I want to tell the gp/psychiatrist but im scared that they'll get mad and give up on me. I dont think they'll understand that at this point I dont want to get better and im scared they'll just think im an attention seeker.

Im also worried that I have bpd because I feel like I have a massivr void and suicide was the only way I filled it before and now thats not an option I feel so overwhelmingly empty. I dont judge people with bpd but having worked in a community mental health team myself I know how much the staff themselves stigmatise people with that diagnosis!

Please help I feel so desperate and alone because I cant tell anyone about this cos they'll be so mad with me for doing this!

1 like, 10 replies

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Please be stronge maybe try a different class of meds maybe a maoi will work better for you.
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  • Posted

    That's how we all feel!! Believe me I have been on a number of antidepressants including Citalopram (amongst others!!) I'm currently taking Paroxatine(Seroxat) 30mg and I'm not sure about how I feel?? I want to end it but then the guilt of leaving my children with the stigma of my suicide and what it might do to them really confuses me!! 
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    • Posted

      Thank you for replying Sandra I cant tell you how relieved I am to hear Im not the only one (even though i am sorry to hear that im not the only one!). Ive been feeling so ungrateful and difficult for stopping taking them, but like you I just felt so confused. Its like I dont know if I am feeling better..and then I dont want to feel better because im so comfortable not feeling good. And to top it off im skeptical about antidepressants anyway because of how little is known about how/if they actually work. And it all ends up going round in my head!

      Im the same as you..couldnt do it to my family but that was the option I was always relying on for when things got too much. Now j just feel trapped and dont know what to think!

      Have you ever stopped taking your medication without telling your doctor before? Do you think they'll be mad or will they get people doing this quite often?

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    • Posted

      I have stopped taking them without telling my doctors but have always halved the dose for a period of time or you may get headaches or feel nauseous!!! But it always comes back!! Depression is a difficult and complicated condition and not easy for us as sufferers (I hope I've spelt that right??) to understand let alone all those out there who in their infinite wisdom tell us to pull ourselves together!!!! I have to say my G.P. gave me this web site and actually talking to people with similar problems seems to give me reassurance (although not doing my insomnia any good!!). 
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    • Posted

      I am sorry that you feel like ending your life, but that rationally you know that this will hurt your family. I know the pain left behind, it never ends, it's a life sentance for those still living. Always seek help, suicide is final and there is no turning back. I read recently of a woman who jumped in front of a train with her 3 year old son, it's so sad and she must of felt so desparate. My husband died in front of a train and the injuries were horrific and something i cannot ever erase from my memory. My children have suffered, they were young and they have suffered stigma and lost out on having their dad in their lives. We all suffer depression and struggle, it's a life sentance for us all till our dying days. Please talk to someone, don't bottle things up.

      Best wishes.

      Elizabeth. 

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  • Posted

    Don't give up stay strong. Have you explored other treatments such as CBT or Counselling. I don't really know how to help you but where there is life there is hope. I often think negative thoughts and think i would be better off not being here. On top of depression i suffer from physical problems and constant pain, which affect my mobility. I struggle everyday with no support from anyone not even my family. Please talk with someone even if it's only the Samaritians. What treatment plan did you get when you was discharged from hospital? I also have experience of suicide, my husband and a nephew both commited suicide and the pain left behind for myself and children is life long, my kids at the time were only 5 and 3 and it's not been an easy ride for them. We all suffer depression and feel rejected and have been left with guilt and unanswered questions. Please keep in touch with this forum, and seek help.

    Best wishes.

    Elizabeth.

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  • Posted

    Please stay strong and you must be honest with your doctor. How about calling Samaritans? They could guide you through your crisis.

    Dying might bring relief - well we don't really know - but it's a one way ticket. You are important, you are here and please fight to stay here.

    I was told on this site by some very kind person that cear and confusion is a part of the battle. Don't give up.

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  • Posted

    Thank you for all the comments and reassurance it really made me feel better. Im still so confused about how I feel and why im so reluctant to get better..its either the ďepression still having a hold over me or its that I feel I dont deserve to be better. I really question whether im even depressed or whether I just use it as an excuse to not face up to responsibilities. Im not lazy at all but I do hate myself so much that I dont think im capable of living like a normal person so I dont want to get better because then ill have to. But it makes me feel so ungrateful because of all the people out there with clinical depression who would give anything to feel better..then there's me...

    I really dont think I deserve to be alive with an attitude like mine. I think I just need to get a grip and get on with life like everyone else does

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    • Posted

      Hey absjbs

      You've said it all there you don't know what's causing these feelings!!!! Please keep talking to people so that we can all help each other make sense of the feelings we have.

      I believe that my self loathing began the same time as the abuse in my marriage I felt then and still feel now that no-one will ever love me. I also believe now that I need to talk about the things that happened to me that triggered my depression as I think that it has been bottling all my feelings up that has bought me to the dark place I'm in now.

      Best wishes xxx

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  • Posted

    your not alone hun belive me thats why we are all here. much love to you and please talk to them they wont be mad at you they really do want to help. ive been there so many times ive lost count so do feel for you. xxxx
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