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I stopped taking my medication (citalopram 30mg) two weeks ago. Not because I felt better but because I hate myself so much I dont want to get any better or lose the drive to kill myself. I was in psych hospital two weeks ago for attempting to kill myself but I realised I dont have it in me. This has made me feel worse because that was my only way out and now I dont even have that anymore. So I was angry with the medication for taking that away from me and stopped taking it.
Now im suffering from really bad withdrawals with the worst anxiety ive ever experienced and these electric shock sensations and feeling really panicky and low.
I had an appointment with my gp today and wanted to tell him but I bottled it and ended up just saying I wanted to switch to something else and so hes referred me back to the cmht for a psychiatry outpatient appointment.
I want to tell the gp/psychiatrist but im scared that they'll get mad and give up on me. I dont think they'll understand that at this point I dont want to get better and im scared they'll just think im an attention seeker.
Im also worried that I have bpd because I feel like I have a massivr void and suicide was the only way I filled it before and now thats not an option I feel so overwhelmingly empty. I dont judge people with bpd but having worked in a community mental health team myself I know how much the staff themselves stigmatise people with that diagnosis!
Please help I feel so desperate and alone because I cant tell anyone about this cos they'll be so mad with me for doing this!
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