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I feel like I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and also mental illness specific hypochondria. My manifestation of my anxiety was last April. My best friend (now queerplatonic partner) was upset about something and I was trying to help him but my phone was acting up. Then I started to panic. A few minutes later my phone was working and when I sent him messages he wasn't responding right away. Then I panicked even more, thinking that I did something wrong or made him mad. Even after he responded and assured me I didn't do anything wrong or did anything to make him mad. It's been like that ever since then.
Things got worse in October of last year. I started To get thoughts that I wanted to leave my QPP, then spiteful thoughts about people I saw at school. And it gets worse from there. When I would help clean the house and would have to carry a spray bottle of something and I'd see my dog I would think that i wanted to spray her in the face with it and it would make me nervous thinking about it. I didn't do it obviously but that's something that never occurred until last year. And then I would get overly sexual thoughts (involving my QPP) and I'd feel incredibly guilty about it. I constantly thought that my QPP didn't love me anymore or loved someone else more to the point of thinking that he was QPPs with someone else behind my back. Thinking about that kept me up all night and caused me so much distress.
And now I've been getting thoughts about harming other people. Hurting my parents. Wanting to harm people I didn't like. I might not like someone but I dot want to harm them. I've thought about walking in front of a school bus while walking home sometimes but I never did it. It just scared me. I hate it so much and no matter what I do these thoughts come back and i obsess over them without end
It's gotten to the point where I can't enjoy myself.
And near the end of August this year, I made myself go into a fit of distress in panic after becoming friends with someone who has DID. For some reason I just would remember the posts they would make and my stomach was hurting when it happened so I thought when they said "our stomach hurts". They're part of a DID system so then I started to freak out thinking I was part of a DID system or had DID. It was horrible. I was sleep deprived and nervous. I kept thinking stuff like "the body is hungry" "we're going out to dinner" afterward when before I befriended them I didn't act that way. I've never expressed symptoms of DID before. I've done my research and DID manifests at childhood due to extreme trauma such as sexual abuse. I have never had childhood trauma and I've never expressed symptoms of DID or even considered myself to having DID until I met that person.
And then I remembered how one of my friends thinks they have schizophrenia and remembered them saying "I talked to my parents about the voices" and then I started to think I was schizophrenic and had voices in my head even though I have no symptoms of schizophrenia or even have voices in my head. And yesterday morning I woke up feeling really bad because I was extremely stressed out about everything that was going on (dad leaving, anxiety regarding mental health) and I got some s*****al thoughts.
I thought about harming myself or planning a s****de date. I won't do that I promise but. I just felt so bad. Last week or two weeks ago I was in distress too because of what was going on with Bella and still freaking out over my mental health. I would obsess over those thoughts I think and I would get an urge but. I would never act upon that urge. And also at school or when o woke up I thought about my friend who said they might have schizophrenia and when they once said "I talked to my parents about the voices" and then I started to think I had voices in my head whispering all day and it freaked me out even though I've never expressed symptoms of schizophrenia beforehand. I remember looking on the newsstand app and someone made an app as a network for those who have schizophrenia and I remembered reading it and the person said they got thoughts that went "they don't love you" and THEN I started to think that too even though I don't/didn't express symptoms beforehand
And that article I read was from months ago.
I should also add that I woke up a few days ago nervous after a dream where one of my friends made a post on twitter saying "I have conscious control over 3 emos in my head and I need to talk about it". When I freaked out when I thought I had DID I should also add it caused me so much distress that it made me so nervous I couldn't sleep. I remember being really sleep deprived and having weird dreams when the DID scare happened and it was just. Bad and I think I heard some things that weren't there but I think it was because of sleep deprivation. I should also add that I might've had episodes of depersonalization during the stressful time where i was freaking out over DID. I felt like I wasn't in control of my body and thought I had an alter. I've posted this onto another forum but I still haven't gotten a response and it's causing me great distress.
I've been so stressed out this week and I ended up panicking and had an identity crisis last night which I think occurred because of something that I saw which made me nervous. It sucks because before that I was comfortable with my identity. I woke up incredibly anxious today and had a dream or something while sleep deprived thinking that I identified as a "dark toned nazi" and I'm terrified. Why would I think something like that? This isn't what I want. I'm not even dark skinned. I'm not a terrible person. When the DID scare happened I was scared to look at my reflection in the mirror or take pictures of myself on my phone. And after my identity crisis I can't comfort myself by thinking of my QPP and I because it makes me panic. Everything is making me so nervous and fragile. My QPP has never dealt with this and it's so hard for him too. I kept him up late just talking about what I was nervous and it was so bad. He has work today. He was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed. I'm supposed to hang out with friends today but I don't even know if I have the mental capacity to. I'm so terrified right now. I was skyping with my QPP and we were talking about a person and I looked the person up on Wikipedia and it said they had gender identity disorder and seeing that made me nervous. I was sleep deprived and kept doubting memories I had as a kid thinking I had amnesia. I hate all of this so much. So much stress is piling onto me. My QPP said that my mental health comes first. Identity and mental health are important but in this case WOULD mental health come first?
I don't want to go deep into the identity crisis i had but that's giving me stress too, although I know to follow my feelings identity wise. But I'm freaking out because I was looking through my Pokémon card collection and when I looked at one of them I thought "that's me" and then I started to freak out. I know of otherkin/fictionkin but I have never heavily identified as such. It even happened yesterday too when I was watching a video about Pokémon. The person who has DID is fictionkin with legendary Pokémon which are considered god-like or gods. The Pokémon that I had thought was "me" today was a legendary Pokémon. I then started to think I was having a "kin shift" and parts of my body started to feel weird. My lower back feels funny and I keep thinking there's a tail or something but there isn't. I mentioned the person who I know that has DID has delusions they're a type of god and I had started to THINK I was having delusions. However for some reason I was calmed? When I thought it was "me@ as if it were a comforting character but I don't know. It's stressing me out even more. I've gone to multiple forums and have gotten no responses other than one where the person said that I may have GAD but not the other things I specified. And that I am picking up on every little thing and making issues out of them. I don't know.
I also talked to some people I trusted about all of this and they both have mental illness. One person's mother works with those who are mentally ill and talking to them about it they thought I may have GAD, hypochondria, and/or Pure-O OCD. The other person suggested I may have generalized anxiety disorder. Please give your input about everything ASAP. It's very overwhelming and even though I've gone to friends for advice i still am anxious to hear others input about this. PS: Bella is my dog and at the beginning of September she got hurt and I was really nervous something bad happened to her. She's okay now though.
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