PLEASE HELP ME! I don't know what to do with my life!

I am a young Vietnamese girl, 23 years old and now I am really in a deadlock, thus I hope to receive your advice. Otherwise, I don’t know how to overcome. My expression in English is not good. Therefore, I am very grateful if you can read my words patiently.

My life has undergone a lot of difficulties and sorrows. I was born in Germany in 1994 with a happy life, I moved to Vietnam when i was 10 and my life changed since then.  In the early 2016, I took sleeping pills to commit suicide. Luckily, my parents took me to the hospital timely. It was when I was studying at a university in the 3rd year. After one-year treatment with many kinds of medicine and exercises, I gained my emotional balance and graduated from my university with distinction degree.

Unfortunately, my depression was repeated and I didn’t know why. After leaving the university, I traveled and relaxed for one month. Then I looked for a job. At that time, my mood was very good. It was easy to find desired jobs. However, when I started to work, the new working environment and new colleagues made me feel uncomfortable it was stressful. Every working day was like a hell for me though everyone was friendly with me. I felt isolated all the time. I had to run into the toilet to cry because I felt depressed. How ridiculous it was! I didn’t understand why I behaved like that though. After working for two employers, I have been idle at home for 3 months. My depression came back. However, I cannot understand the reason for my depression. At home, I tried to read books, I watched movies. I tried to communicate with my friends and volunteered try to feel better. Because of my deep depression in the past, I wished to overcome it quickly. Unfortunately, I have failed completely. Whenever thinking of going out, I feel frightened. Now, even when I talk with my relatives, I feel different. Now, I have no friends. Every day, I make friends with my house space only and watch films apathetically to waste my time and cry, and then go to bed. I have to take anti-depression medicine so that my parents can feel assured but I don’t expect a lot from such medicine.

What makes me hopeless? I think that I suffer from another psychological disease apart from depression. Last year, when taking anti-depression medicine, I realized that such medicine only prevented me from having negative thoughts but did not make me happy or productive.

Here is my situation before i officially knew i was depressed. Since i was a kid, it was difficult for me to memorize, especially learning by heart. It took me the whole night to learn a poem by heart whereas it took my classmates only 15 minutes. My foreign language is also a typical example. I learned English industriously when I was at high school but it took me more time than other people. Yet, I cannot remember anything. I studied at German Department for 4 years and still graduated  with so much effort. However, my present German knowledge is compared with that of a first year student. My learning is an example for you to image my present situation. In other aspect, it is more bad. Sometimes, in my conversation with others, I cannot understand or listen to their saying. I got my ears checked but my hearing is still good.. I cannot relate a watched film. Even I cannot remember the name or  content of  my favorite books that I read. I cannot remember the name my favorite characters or artists. I studied in Germany in 2014. I traveled some places in the world, studied and learned by heart geographical names and the history of countries i have visited  but now I cannot remember them. Last month, when I talked with my friend, she still remembered the places where we both visited. I felt quite sad. Now, I cannot also remember in which month I traveled such places. I learned how to cook but when you ask me now the recipe, i don’t have anything in my mind.  Now my memory, focus and listen problems getting worse day by day and it is distressing me so badly. The more I practice and be optimistic, the more i get disappointed about myself. People were born to accumulate knowledge. Through coffee talks or chats, they can know whether the other people are knowledgeable or interesting or not. I think that anyone who communicates me would find me stupid and useless. Therefore, i don’t meet anyone for 2 months now. My am panic, i am losing my mind.

Therefore, I ask for help from you. I told my situation with my parents, psychologist and some of my friends. However, everyone finds my situation ridiculous or they tell me that it’s possible to get through. Now, I don’t know to do and only think of death.Now, I just want to rescue myself. I just want your advice how to have a normal life like other people before I go crazy and commit suicide again.

What makes me happy now? Nothing. I have an unhappy family, a sad and painful life in this country, i lost all my friends since i was depressed which makes me feel scared of everyone.  Music and movies used to make me happy but since my memory problem got too bad, i lost my hobby. The only thing in my mind now is starting a new life in another country, volunteering, rescue animals, helping children..I want to start a new life which is very difficult for me now because i don’t know how and where to start. That’s why i am asking for your help.

Please help me!

Thank you.

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