Please help me - I'm straight but I'm scared to think otherwise

Posted , 8 users are following.

Hi there - I've never been so scared and frustrated and sick in my stomach on my whole life and I'm begging for help.

I'm a 21 year old girl, who has been straught her entire life. I've always had crushes on boys, ever since I can remember. In primary school I had the biggest crush on this boy in my class and I had dreams about him and everything. I have always had crushes on boys even till now there were boys not my class at uni that I absolutely crushed on. Whenever their message would pop up on my phone I would literally feel my heart flop and I used to get to damn excited. Just even having them put their arm around me used to make me feel special and warm in the inside.

However, last year, and I'm not even sure how, stumbled across a tbh show where these 2 girls ended up kissing and having sex. I've always been uncomfortable with homosexuality as horrible as that sounds - its just never been sone thing got used too. But after watching this I started too, put of excitement of watching something different and forbidden I know, lesbian porn. It used to make me feel weird I don't think turned on but it used to make coming quickly for me. I can't even write this down without feeling uneasy. I've read on the break posts that it's not uncommon for girls to watch such videos because the actual visual is like a stimulant - but I don't want to be lesbian. I just - the thought makes me feel uneasy and sick. I have always suffered horrible anxiety and paranoia and when sone thing gets stuck in my head it bothers me for head I can't get it out. Please help me. I've always been attracted to guys and I'm worried that my sinning has officially stopped that for lifear. I've never looked at girls in a sexuality way before in my life and I went to an only girls school. Please help. Am.. I going to turning gay? Please help me. I don't want to be.

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  • Posted

    May I also add that I have never wanted to kiss another girl ever and the thought of doing so makes me shudder literally- but for some reason this fear is still among me feel like I've changed sexuality suddenly and I don't want too. All my friends are female and I've never had any sort of feelings like that for a girl- always boys.

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  • Posted

    Hi sim smile

    I find your post a little tricky to respond to as I am not sure how to go about reassuring you smile

    What you are experiencing is a form of anxiety...it may even be a form of intrusive thought especially if you are uncomfortable with homosexuality... So here is my two cents (for what they are worth.)

    An intrusive thought is just like any other thought or feeling. The only difference really is that it makes us uncomfortable due to the importance we give that one thought or feeling as supposed to the millions of other thoughts that we ignore.

    I understand your own personal feelings toward the subject..which is why it is hard to respond.

    I do not believe homosexuality is wrong.

    I think it would benefit for you to see a therapist and to explore why the notion of homosexuality upsets you so and cause such anxiety.

    That's my advice to you smile

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    • Posted

      Hi silly mop,

      Thank you smile I know it's such a hard position to be in but yes you've helped me - I know I have such bad anxiety that it affects my life and that I have intrusive thoughts like this. I used to go to the a therapist but I want to be able to stop this without going to one .

      Thank you. I'm going to be doing meditation to try and get this away.

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  • Posted

    To be honest it doesnt matter either way, gay or straight - who cares?  But theres also the thing that straight people can have gay fantasies - and it doesnt make them gay.  You dont turn gay, you either are or you arent.  It really shouldnt matter, do what you want to do with who you want to do it with, overthinking it wont help either way, and it wont change anything either
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  • Posted

    Hey smile First of all, even if you weren't straight it would be perfectly okay. For what I can understand this looks like intrusive thought. It can be anything that occupies your mind and scare you, but that doesn't mean the thought is true. Intrusive thoughts ( mostly they start with "what if". For example, what if I am a lesbian ) are part of anxiety and anxiety likes to play games with you. Because a body of anxious person is in fight or flight response and because our body doesn't find a threat, it simply makes one up. What I can tell you is that the fact that you are scared of it usually means that it isn't true. I think that if you had crush on girls you probably wouldnt be so scared of it. Also, I can tell that it bothers you soo much and you really want it to stop. Let me tell you something. The more you try to push it away the more it will come back because your brain will again think it is a threat and you have to fight or flight from the threat. If a bear came at you... You would try to fight it or run away. Your brain think it is a threat because you are scared of it. So what to do ? Let it be. Let it play in your mind as much as it wants. You are not your thoughts. And you said you had crushes only on boys and now your mind is trying to trick you. If you try not to push it away it will eventually lose the strength.

    I am not a professional or anything, but I read about anxiety. I am another sufferer and I know how awful anxiety can be.

    To look it even more rationally. There is nothing wrong even if you were homosexual.

    The best one to help you would be a therapist. They can help you with your anxiety. I am just a guy on the internet, but I still hope I helped you at least a little bit.

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    • Posted

      You have no idea how happy this made my feel - thank you 😊 my whole life I have liked boys and now my brain wants to message with me and think otherwise. In 2014 and I had this same problem and the reason that I think it plays up is not because I'm lesbian but because it's a fear of mine to become one. I know that's horrible but that's the truth. I think your right in the sense that I need to let it go and start meditating and doing some mindfulness to prevent this affecting my life. I can't even look at my mum and dad without thinking "why are they are couple? Why men and women?" Its horrible. But from what I feel deeply is that I'm straight. I'm just going through severe anxiety I would have known years ago if I was gay. I need help with my anxiety and that's it.

      Thank you so much 😁

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    • Posted

      Hey, I've recently had the problem that sim is having. Exact same thing as sim said, but I'm a boy. I would have these what if questions but I had been thinking to myself about it every day. Soon it even got worse, I would get "bi" feelings and thoughts. Then my body got used to the thoughts and started making these thoughts like it was a usual thing. I'm not against the LGBT community but I would not like to become one. Just like Sim said, Previous years I was really attracted to girls and still am but just sometimes, these feelings just pop ut and haunt me. I'm also a bit of the Anxious side and paranoid side. Can someone help me please. I get worried every day if I'm turning bi. (Im not against LGBT community, I just dont wanna be one)

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  • Posted

    Hi SIM

    Look I have read about situation and it is hard to respond to but I have up about my rugby idol Gareth Thomas who captain of the wales rugby player and everyone knew he was gay but he never wanted to come out and kept it hidden for years and he even got married to a women and thought he could hide his secret but he ended up trying to take his own life over it but now he has come out he has never been so happy with life this may not be the same situation for you but I did not know how to help but stay strong

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  • Posted

    What you need to do is just be okay with your gay thoughts. Who cares what's in your mind? It's time you began to accept who you are and throw those ideas that same sex relationships are a sin, into the trash where they belong. You'll be absolutely fine. 

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