Please help me understand my anxious attachment
Posted , 2 users are following.
Hi!
So I would like to start this post by stating 5 years ago I was in an extremely emotionally/verbally abusive relationship. Of course during that time, I was anxiously attached to my abuser as most people tend to be. After that relationship ended, I was in two short relationships and I was not very nice to them (one in particular who was extremely nice to me) and then 3 years ago I met my husband. For the first 1.5 years that we were together (up until we got engaged) I was anxiously attached to him because he was separated but still married to his ex, I was constantly comparing our present relationship to their past relationship, and I could just tell I had more feelings invested than he did. However, when my husband got back from being deployed I could tell our feelings were finally mutual and I was elated. It was all I ever wanted. We got engaged and I was happier than ever. Shortly after, I started to distance myself and not put in the effort. My husband and I worked through this and a few months later we got married!
Now I find myself longing for the days to feel how I did when I was anxiously attached and that I will only feel okay or "normal" in my relationship if some type of abuse is going on (my husband has never abused my in anyway but I was anxiously attached). I find myself trying to create chaos and problems so that he may get upset with me/treat me poorly to make me feel that way. I absolutely love and adore my husband and there is no one else I would want to be with.
Can anyone help me understand this? I know it has something to do with my past abusive relationship. My old therapist told me that I was basically learning how to be in a healthy relationship without anxious attachment.
0 likes, 3 replies
sasical72 chey51702
Edited
Hello,
Could you explain what anxious attachment means so that I can better understand what you are asking?
chey51702 sasical72
Edited
this is the best definition I could find:
Anxious attachment is characterized by a lack of independence, lots of insecurities and a deep desire to be close to a partner. People with an anxious attachment often worry about rejection and abandonment.
sasical72 chey51702
Posted
Ah I see, it is like co-dependance. Is there any way you could get some therapy to help you understand why you feel the need to not be in a healthy relationship. Maybe you have low self-esteem or maybe your parents had that kind of a relationship...understanding why is a good first step to be able to change it. Actually, the fact that you are even aware enough to post this question means you are already taking those first steps to change it.