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I could really do with some advice as right now I am totally and utterly lost. I've suffered with depression for as long as I can remember, sometimes it's all consuming and I feel so hopeless and twisted with anguish that my only option seems to be suicide or taking myself to hospital to be sectioned, and other times I can just about function and put a brave face on but feel incredibly low and empty. On top of that I have severe anxiety making socialising impossible and leaving the house difficult. I've finally realised I'm not ever going to get through this without help and have been to the doctor. Bringing this all out in the open has caused a huge depressive on set and I'm in such a state. I have been with my partner for two years but have loved him since the age of 14 when we were the closest of best friends. I've always known I'd love no one else and that's one thing I know with a vehement inner strength, it's never wavered. At the age of 17 he broke my heart, it's a long story but we didn't speak for 3 years and it sent me off the rails. That, a long with consequential drug use, the loss of family members and numerous other life traumas are hugely to blame for my mental state now. Any way, I need my partner to support me and be strong but he is doing the opposite; he brushes the whole thing under the carpet and carries on like normal, he begrudges taking me to the doctor and doesn't ask how I've got on, he never comforts me with love and affection and when we had a long, serious talk about it (initiated by me) he turned it around so that I was comforting him; he said he's a bad person, I'd be better off without him, we will end up like his parents (who are married but can't live together because they argue so much) and crushed what little hope I was hanging on to, that one day I'll be better, we'll have a family and a nice house of our own (we're living in his mum's house at the moment, she lives abroad), once he's finished his studies and I've found a job I don't loath we'll be less stressed and won't bicker as much. Since this 4 hour long discussion we have not mentioned it again, just carried on like normal and I resent him for his lack of support, made all the more prominent by the stark contrast of how wonderful my mum has been, having suffered depression herself in the past. When I stay with her she talks to me for hours and lavishes me with the love, support and positivity I need. Half of me thinks I should stay with her for a while, as she has asked me to, but I simply can't bear being away from my partner. He's my soul mate and the love of my life but right now I'm so scared of the effect my illness will have on our relationship and can't stand how isolated and lonely I feel in this house with just the two of us. What should I do? And please no suggestions to leave him or anything along those lines because I love him to the end of the world and back and if I was to be without him I'd never recover. Help me please I'm in despair.
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