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Hi I am new to this and found this site by accident. I have had depression on and off for four years now and can't seem to shift it as it always comes bak. In between the depression I am the most posative, friendliest and outwardly happiest person you could meet. People are always saying that I am so cheery and easily excited and you can hear me laugh before you see me. I'm not really sure why I am posting this, I don't know much about bipolar disorder at all and kind of feel like a fraud for being on here because I don't know what the signs are etc. I feel stupid for even writting this. I have just started talking anti depressants again, this time a different kind as the mertazapine at the highest dose were doing nothing for me. I am so low at the moment and filled with fear and dread. I have trouble leaving my house on my own as I am scared of what I don't know (it doesn't bother me if I am with a friend but I live alone so that doen't really help). I recently lost my job due to my probelms trying to manage the depression and on more than one occasion was told by my manager that I was super hyper, acting funny and distracting people..the odd thing is I didn't think so and argued a bit with him because I thought I was just acting normal. He told me that his manager and the manager on the floor had noticed it too and that I was to calm down. When I mentioned this to my mum, she recently confieded in me that she thought I might be bipolar and has thought so for a while now. She tried to explain what it meant but I didn't really understand and just ended up getting frustrated with her. I get so angry at the drop of a hat at the moment and sometimes just want to go out and pysicaly batter someone to take away my complete rage (I would never do this, but this is how angry I get). I feel so bad because usually when people are trying to give me advice I get so angry, but then feel so guilty for it straight away as I didn't mean to.
As I said I don't know much about this condition and am trying to find out as much as I can and any reply would be grately appreachiated as I am now very confused and scared. All I can really say bout when I am not depressed is that I feel so happy and excited about everything, I feel like no one or nothing can bring me down and no one can hurt me and get a funny overwhelming sence that I am important in this world and that everybody luvs me and wants to be around me (that actually sounds really big headed and I have never admitted that to anyone before =, starting to feel a bit embarresed :oops: ) Also feel like I am the life and sole at partys and I make people laugh and that everyone makes me laugh because they say its so infectious. I feel strong and overly posative. I spend money like theres no tommorrow and even if I know I can't afford it and I will be left with nothing I buy it anyway (then it usually sits in a cupboard forgoten about). I even go out my way to by my friend things (if they see something in a shop they like but don't have the money for it) or drinks in the pub, when I know that its the last of my money, but I just think oh go on do it, everything will work itself out and your money will be fine. I randomly invite people back to my house for a party after a night in the pub, (people I know to say hello to not really people I know) then regret it when we get there or when they have gone.
I don't know if any of this makes sence to anyone or if I am maybe on the wrong site. Its nearly 8 am and I have not been to bed yet as I am wide awake so maybe not thinking clearly I dont' know. I feel like I could stay awake for days lately tho and my time for getting tired or eventually going to bed seems to be getting later and later. Feeling a bit better that I have got this off my chest and don't feel so sad now that I have done it, although the sadness always returns. Anyway if this makes sence to anyone then please please can you reply, also if you think that I am not on the right track with this can you also let me know, I am just so confused and feel like I am loosing my mind at the moment and feel like I am loosing my grip. Please help
Thank you so much if you took the time to read this and reply, and I am sorry if I have wasted anyones time. x[quote:2c7ffcdb04][/quote:2c7ffcdb04]
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