Please please help me I am so confused?

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Hi I am new to this and found this site by accident. I have had depression on and off for four years now and can't seem to shift it as it always comes bak. In between the depression I am the most posative, friendliest and outwardly happiest person you could meet. People are always saying that I am so cheery and easily excited and you can hear me laugh before you see me. I'm not really sure why I am posting this, I don't know much about bipolar disorder at all and kind of feel like a fraud for being on here because I don't know what the signs are etc. I feel stupid for even writting this. I have just started talking anti depressants again, this time a different kind as the mertazapine at the highest dose were doing nothing for me. I am so low at the moment and filled with fear and dread. I have trouble leaving my house on my own as I am scared of what I don't know (it doesn't bother me if I am with a friend but I live alone so that doen't really help). I recently lost my job due to my probelms trying to manage the depression and on more than one occasion was told by my manager that I was super hyper, acting funny and distracting people..the odd thing is I didn't think so and argued a bit with him because I thought I was just acting normal. He told me that his manager and the manager on the floor had noticed it too and that I was to calm down. When I mentioned this to my mum, she recently confieded in me that she thought I might be bipolar and has thought so for a while now. She tried to explain what it meant but I didn't really understand and just ended up getting frustrated with her. I get so angry at the drop of a hat at the moment and sometimes just want to go out and pysicaly batter someone to take away my complete rage (I would never do this, but this is how angry I get). I feel so bad because usually when people are trying to give me advice I get so angry, but then feel so guilty for it straight away as I didn't mean to.

As I said I don't know much about this condition and am trying to find out as much as I can and any reply would be grately appreachiated as I am now very confused and scared. All I can really say bout when I am not depressed is that I feel so happy and excited about everything, I feel like no one or nothing can bring me down and no one can hurt me and get a funny overwhelming sence that I am important in this world and that everybody luvs me and wants to be around me (that actually sounds really big headed and I have never admitted that to anyone before =, starting to feel a bit embarresed :oops: ) Also feel like I am the life and sole at partys and I make people laugh and that everyone makes me laugh because they say its so infectious. I feel strong and overly posative. I spend money like theres no tommorrow and even if I know I can't afford it and I will be left with nothing I buy it anyway (then it usually sits in a cupboard forgoten about). I even go out my way to by my friend things (if they see something in a shop they like but don't have the money for it) or drinks in the pub, when I know that its the last of my money, but I just think oh go on do it, everything will work itself out and your money will be fine. I randomly invite people back to my house for a party after a night in the pub, (people I know to say hello to not really people I know) then regret it when we get there or when they have gone.

I don't know if any of this makes sence to anyone or if I am maybe on the wrong site. Its nearly 8 am and I have not been to bed yet as I am wide awake so maybe not thinking clearly I dont' know. I feel like I could stay awake for days lately tho and my time for getting tired or eventually going to bed seems to be getting later and later. Feeling a bit better that I have got this off my chest and don't feel so sad now that I have done it, although the sadness always returns. Anyway if this makes sence to anyone then please please can you reply, also if you think that I am not on the right track with this can you also let me know, I am just so confused and feel like I am loosing my mind at the moment and feel like I am loosing my grip. Please help

Thank you so much if you took the time to read this and reply, and I am sorry if I have wasted anyones time. x[quote:2c7ffcdb04][/quote:2c7ffcdb04]

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  • Posted

    Crazygirl,[b:c2f6b236d4]everything you have described[/b:c2f6b236d4], your highs , your lows, your excitability, your feelings of self importance, and in turn inadequacies. The way you one minute, want to be everybodies best friend, anxious to be liked and noticed, that you are a very special person, noticed for being the queen of the Kingdom; and then left alone due to unknown levels of doom , doubt and despair. The way you spend money ( :oops: :lol: me too, I do that)...Like , its okay, I might get hit by a bus , or run over by a speeding driver, within the next 5 minutes.....be happy...and then uncontrollable moods of anger, but its more frustration, Frustration that you are not being understood, and then come across hysterical, then afterwards, drained upset and ashamed. Exhausted and hate the world...oh gosh....the world...ill not go there/

    Well Crazygirl, I dont know if I have helped you , but you describe the bipolar condition very well, and if you ask me you sound erm, (hope you dont mind me saying,bipolar). That just makes you even more unique, and even more special.....most people are a little bipolar. Its just your spectrum, form high to low is more enhaced than others. I feel like this too, sometimes, I aam more tearful than most people. I thought it just me, and I immature and incapable....but no..I just cry more than often

    Hope Ive helped Crazygirl. You have a very insightful, perceptive nature, Take care and have a hug. Forgot to mention the playfullnessthing and the creative thing....but well there is a lot going on there eh? Oh maybe , go for a snooze now....get some sleep.

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  • Posted

    Hi Tiny tears, I am still wide awake (lol) and have just read ur reply and I am so pleased (oddly enough). Firstly I am so please you took the time to read my post and reply to it, thank u so much! And secondly you understand me! I have been feeling like I have been goin crazy for a long long time now and felt like nobody understood and its so so nice to hear that finally someone gets what I mean and understands how I feel! I cannot thank you enough for your response :D I don't know if its the lack of sleep finally hitting me or the fact that I finally don't feel alone and someone understands where I am coming from, but I am so happy to hear that, that I could hug you I feel so relieved. Thank you so much for letting me know you feel the same way, it helps to know that you are not the only one and it makes you not feel so alone. Thank you x[/quote]
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  • Posted

    smile Thank you Crazygirl, I tried going for some sleep, but got over anxious about it, thinking if I sleep now , ill be late for work, and the I will end up getting the sack. Butterflies in my tummy with nerves and no appetite, but listening to mad music which is making me feel better.

    Sorry for being self analytical, but for me , i think there is something wrong with my attachments......sorry....like I get or feel best friends with people that I just like, but who do not really know me. Despite i feel like I know them inside out. Then when i find they have been bad mouthing me or have said just the slightest thing critical....I think ....they could have put that a bit better and then get really tearful.

    Crazygirl, I dont know if you feel like this, but this is not helping me at the moment. I want to be liked and I want t o be able to trust others, like I used to, I seem to get hurt far easier than others, things dig deep and eat at me, and it can just be a tiny little miniscule, non intended thing...and i am off, 9 the only way to describe it) chewing my body up.

    What medication are you on? I was taking citalopram and mirtazipine.....but hmmm...not sure about them either.

    There is the citalopram \"list of experiences\" board where you can talk to others(if you think it would help you). see, Ive done it again. In my behaviour, I ve now got to dash with my black bags and get readdy for work.

    Its good to hear from you , and thank you to for making me feel better....there must be away...to control it better....but it just like sometimes we all have bad moods for nor reason, well sometimes I cry for nor reason, and have periods of hyperactivity that cant be explained. Oh well, nevermind. Hugs Crazygirl, must dash.

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  • Posted

    Sorry, you sound like a very kind hearted , very sensitive person. Its good to meet you to, and I was not trying to upset you when I started to waffle on about who and who i dont get close to....just that this is a part of it for me.... , but god, I didnt post it in a good way did I? Yeah I seem to attach myself to people very easily. I feel close to people , but then OUCH!!!!! And as I feel so close, I feel 10 times more hurt than I probably should be feeling...oh god sorry Crazygirl....do I make any sense?

    Whoops, going to miss my bus at this rate. (Yawn) Soo tried.

    Take Care X

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  • Posted

    Hi Tiny Tears, I am so glad you replyed thank you smile I just want to tell you that I understand everything that your saying and I completely know where you are coming from. I am exactly the same way, I feel as if I really know someone and get excited cause you feel like this closeness, conection, friendship will last forever with this person because you feel as important to them as they do to you (if this doesn't make sense please let me know, sometimes have trouble explaining what I mean) and then all of a sudden you find out that person has said something behind your bak or turns out to be not this perfect friend you thought they were and you feel so so hurt and let down. Its amaizing how much trust you put in that person right from the begining and you think that there is no way they will ever turn there bak on you or bad mouth you. Hopefully this actuallly makes sense to you and I have just rambled on.

    Please don't be sorry for writting any of what you wrote, its how you feel and you have nothing to be sorry for. You sound like such a lovely friendly person and you should be proud of that smile I know that you tend to put your whole heart into friendships and it can sometimes wind up getting you hurt, but thats a nice thing about you and makes you one of the friendly people in the world smile Does this make any sense?

    By the way you guessed right, hopeless is me too smile I found the site by accident, I typed in my antidepressants into google and this experience chat thing came up. I am only on my 4th day of sertraline (before that I was on fleuxatine which made me worse and then mirtazapine). So I decided (eventually) to post a message on the sertraline site, then a felt guilty and embarresed cause I thought its more for simptoms bout the drug and I blabbed on bout my feelings. I am not a very smart person and in fact am know to be quite slow in getting things lol, it eventually occured to me that there must be a depression site too. So I found it and posted a message there (this time not feeling guilty bout it). Then my mum had came to visit me and told me that she thought I was bipolar, I had never heard this name before and didn't understand what she meant so I came on here and things started to make sense to me.

    I am goin to ask what I think is going to sound like a very stupid question here but, how do you go about getting diagnosed with bipolar. All my dr ever seems to want to do is throw anti depressants my way. I do have councilling again though, which I hope I will have that guts to stick at this time.

    Anyway all ave done is blah blah blah blah blah, someone shut me up! :oops: sorry. hugs x[quote:e6faa59242][/quote:e6faa59242]

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  • Posted

    Hi Crazyygirl, everything you have said totally makes sense to me.

    The thing about feeling close to people, I also find that while I know my mum loves me , I take critism from her really badly, (Huffy cow that I am).

    I dont know , but after posting to you this morning, i had a really good day at work....it was soo busy...great...blinked and missed the shift.

    Though *acked off with im, who has taken golf to be his priority, (Thats my partner....who I no longer see eye to eye with, he contiually winds me up...and I want to zoom of somewhere. Sometimes when we have arguments, i feel like my blood vessels will burst with my pent up frustaratione..

    By the way, you do not sound (what was that you said...not that...slow....what bully told you that????) You sound more than intelligent to me. You explain everything really well.

    Sorry i dont know about diagnosis, but not unlike your mum , ny mum thinks I am bipolar, hence why I cant cope with this relationship breakdown. Ive been very naughty, Ive told my doctor that I stopped taking Mirtazipine, and had a couple of awful days , so took some citalopram this morning...I am scared though in 2 monnths time he want prescribe it...but maybe I want need it by then Who knows!!!

    Oh gid, this little boy cycled past me on the pavement, was going so fast he scuffed past my jeans.....I never realised how bad I yelped\"JESUS\". But I did not know what it was (whoops)... The n come home, house a bomb site, and children have head lice, and bites everywhere. Wah Wah

    Crazygirl, you should see some of my postings on the citalopram site....oh dear...dont feel guilty...have a laugh and read mine.

    Take care , Katy

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  • Posted

    :shock: Now that I am home, i want to be left alone. I dont want any dinner, I dont want to be near that disgusting hurtful man...he make s me worse....Just so isolated, and why doe sthis have to hurt sooo much. :cry:

    Yeah, Crazygirl, I too wish i could take my brain...thats if I have one, out of my head, so that I could sleep and change me. I was not exactly a very social little girl. I rember at high scholol being slagged for being socially deprived...that made me worse

    Oh god, I do waffle, blah blah blah,,but now I feel like a FREEAK!!!! Sorry.

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  • Posted

    The other thing Id mention is I get super anxious, scared and afraid, i cant stop as I have my children, my heart races, i shake, sometimes my lips go numb, sometimes I wish Id just collapse so that the pain could go without me knowing about it......so I shake, get palpatations,,,,,,and usually once this is over I think...I need a drink to calm me. Oh and then I get over all that .....even then when I dont drink....and then i swing to owww no one cares enough, no one cares like they should, sometimes I think I dont care enough and this makes me feel sick, and then I get the urge to end it and not give a monkeys about what other people think...cause they dont care. Or they pretend to care, and it hurts me....its like the people that you care about blow hot and cold on you,,,,,,,Icant cope with that , not at all. Do I make anysense?????

    Oh Crazygirl, help!!!

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  • Posted

    Oh hi crazygirl, Ive slept a lot today, and got the sleepy thing.

    I was just thinking, I am not an aggressive person, not at all, just a very frustrated person. i analyse things, and its clear to me, that I do this differently from everyone else. I have loads of stamina and determination, once I do get focused. Once I focus on what I am after, i have to be really damn good. Last year, for instance i re did my maths at college. I loved it , as it was easy, there was always an answer and there was always a way , a solution around any problems I had. When i started the course, I stuggled, and was very slow and came across as being a bit dippy. Though to be honest, it did not take much encouragement from my tutor, who was a very kind lady , she offered me various techniques to get to the answer, that most less complex people , less motivated people knew off. in the end , Idid well. Though, it was a pretty easy course.

    My point is, that then I was given a chance as the tutor had patience and lots of thoughtfulness. She too knew that I was under the weather. I used to confide in her, and even on ocassion turn up in the early hours of the morning excited about sitting my little tests. She really helped me and gave me some hope. though , staright after sitting the course, my mum took really ill, and I felt so selfish for taking the time for myself.

    Three weeks after I sat the examintation, I thought once I had finished the course I would be able to relax. I was worse than ever, I thought my mum was going to die, and I thought I had messed my course up. My work was going down hill, and they did not offer me much support. Too busy trying to get a job done.

    I have 2 young children who I adore and find exceptional. But since the events of last summer , found that I have great difficulty bieng around anyone, even exceptionally close friends. I feel I am being judged, though my best friend is very understanding but has a stomach full to deal with herself.

    When my mum took ill, I could not sleep , so choose to sleep in the spear room. My partner did not help matters, and took on board to see me as his property. Anyway, its just a stake in the heart, and that I cannot seem to get myself better. Ive had problems all my life. when I was 14 I nearly lost my mum in a really nasty car crash, of which I saw the end result on the road to school, weeks later my very close aunt died.

    I remeber feeling like no one understood, like I was stuggling at school and getting so much pressure put on me, I drank myself stupid, Sos stupid. I ended up walking out my friends house, Not wanting to, after drinking Martini, vodka, and some, trying to get to my dads flat . the neighbours found me vomiting in the stairs, and shivering, then fitting, the police were called, followed by an ambulance, I was taken to hospital, hypothermic, not that I remeber much about it. At that point, I did not see it as a suicide attempt, though one of the doctors did tell me I was very close, and if I ever needed to discuss issues , theyd be there to help.

    I was too ashamed to be honest with anyone about my feelings. When I got home my mum would ask if I was okay. Well hmm, I dont know. At that point I never ate very much.. I swing from eating very little, on those days I tend to eat choccie bars. When I eat properly , extreme guilt overwhelms me. I worry that I am going to get fat, it even makes me feel incredibly anxious.

    You mentioned this about food, and I am like you . Where i have absolutely no appetite for no reall explained reason , to eating a horse.

    The other thing I wanted to mention to you, is I find great relief in expressing myself though art, picture, paintings drawing, (not that id say I was ever very good, but it helps - do you do this/fel this way?

    I do drone on....rather than dragging you down with my thoughts, I only want to tell you this , in the hope that I can help you, and that one day the mania, will

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  • Posted

    Hi Tiny Tears,

    Sorry a never came on here yesterday I was visiting my mum, goin there again in a while. How are you feeling today? I hope your having a good day today. I have been sleeping all day lol went to my be at half five this morning, usual sleeping problems. Alot of what your saying makes sense to me and I just want u to know that I understand and I am here to talk or vent if you need me, I may not always be in the best place to give advice but I will try my best. Take care of yourself smile

    Carol x

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  • Posted

    :x Hi Hopeless, i think I am in trouble now.

    Glad to hear from you. I know I should not have done so, but I took citalopram, yesterday and today , as I was feeling really bad, and really struggling to cope, but I do not and did not have my GPs say so, but feeling a bit better today. Worried and asked advice on the forum, and it did not help, so I am going to have to wean myself of them again until I can speak to my CPN. I just do not want to feel that gutted feeling, and the desperation, and the paranoia....but ow well.

    How are you? Do you find your mum a big support?

    I am now gettin a bit tired, and over anxt about everything. (Oj I am an idiot!!!!) :cry: :roll:

    Hope you are feeling better now that you have slept.

    Take care of you, Katy.

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  • Posted

    Hi Tinay Tears me again smile

    Why do you think you are in trouble (I am sorry this is what I mean when I say I am a bit slow, sometimes I have trouble understanding things and need them expalined to me). Are you not meant to be talking citalopram, are you on any other tablets. Please don't say your an idiot cause your not, we all feel this way but we can't help how we feel (if you know what I mean). When are you next seeing ur gp? Do you have any councilling support set up? Yeah I found that going to see my mum was helpful, I don't tell her everything bout howw I feel cause she doesn't understand but she does try and I live her for that. lol She took me to the cinema to see mama mia last night to lift my mood a bit, I had a good time and we both enjoyed the film, its a good wee feel good factor film smile

    Anyway I am giong to get ready to go to see my mum again, but will leave my computer on this page so I can check it before I go and I will reply to you if you are still her (might take a wee while cause have to go for a shower and stuff but I will reply smile )

    Take care x

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  • Posted

    hey tiny tears, thats me ready to go out to my mums, just checked and you haven't replyed yet so u must not be on this. Anyway talk to u later on tonight. Take care x
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  • Posted

    :? Posted you a lengthy message about 10 minutes ago. Where did it go????

    Anyway, most of which described my incapbilities of controlling my introvert nature with my extrovert behaviour.. Who stole it?

    Hope you okay Hopeless/Carol and hope to speak later, Katy

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  • Posted

    I think the mods must have erased it, it was maybe too explicit.

    Okay, saying as I am here and having felt as though I have been ridiculed by bullies all my life...today was an example of such.....(Hopefully this will make you laugh...although, shame on those girls)

    Here goes, i was walking home with my 2 girls, These 2 girls aprroach me , and in a very loud voice,

    \"Have you go the time?\"

    I am thinking,,,,thats a bit agressive...then the wee bleeps, touch my watch , I tell them the time

    and then...

    \"Have you got a problemo with me, have you? , have you?\"

    I am thinking, no, not yet. Then this little girl who looks as cute as , nips my eldest daughter very hard on the chest.

    Grrr!! \" I ask, excuseme, but what do you think you are doing?\"

    She says, \"It wisney me\"..

    I saw it , clearly with my own , eyes. I didnt know what to do...so then I say, look girls cross the road, leave us alone before I inform the police.

    So this ginger lassie and this blondie lassie cross the road, Ben d over and look between there legs with their fingers doing the vickys sign, and shoutin monkey...b*****s.. God, what!!

    My girls go quiet, and my eldest is really upset..(Thos bullie are.we bleeps!!!! ) But oh my goodness, cant believe I let these children away with it. What are you supposed to do in that situation....swear back at them??? Honestly, god forbid. They could have been no older than 8years of age. Even the threat of calling the police did not stop them. It was truly mad. Then I turmn the corner, one car has just missed hitting the other, and the fowel langusge that my little girls hear is indescribable. Honestly, where are the humans?????

    I just cant cope with all this bombardment...is this place mad ..or is it me?

    These things make me want to stay in doors and never go out again!!!

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