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I'm not sure if this is even going to help me but this is my last cry for help as I don't know what to do and I'm losing my mind trying to figure out what's wrong.
To start off, I'm 18 years old. I just graduated this year from high school. I have never struggled with depression or feeling empty until 2 years ago. I was the type of person who couldn't understand why someone could be sad for no reason no matter how hard I tried. Well, 2 years ago I began taking the birth control Depo Provera. I started it September 2015. In October 2015, my boyfriend of 3 years left me. I was of course heartbroken but I did not feel this agonizing emptiness that I do now as I knew things would get better eventually. It was my first heartbreak and I knew everyone goes through it. In December 2015, Christmas to be exact, I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic terrified that I had committed the unpardonable sin. I am a religious person but I've never worried about my salvation or anything. And it was strange to me how just randomly out of nowhere I started to freak out whether my God still loved me or not. I obsessed over this for about 2 months, constantly looking up things online trying to find reassurance that I was okay. I think that was my first bout of depression... all I wanted to do was lay down because I thought what was the point of living if I was going to hell anyway? A few months passed and I tried to carry on living normally even though it still bothered me. In May 2016, I took my second dose of Depo Provera. I noticed after this dosage my hair started to fall out in large amounts. I didn't tie it to the birth control yet because it happened to me when I was 7, so I thought maybe it was stress induced or something... over the summer in 2016, I grew increasingly depressed. I couldn't explain it, there was just this evil, empty, draining feeling in my chest. I began to lose focus on school & things I used to enjoy. The feeling I felt became ALL I thought about. It terrified me because I've never struggled with anything like this before... I was doing good in school, got a new boyfriend who treats me like a queen, I have a nice family, yet I was still depressed. I couldn't understand why. September 2016 I took my third dose of Depo. I was depressed during this time as well. My hair had grown back but the depression did not go away & I was steadily gaining weight. Life was still good yet still empty. In December 2016 is when I took my last dosage of Depo Provera. This is when I came across a video on YouTube about a girl saying Depo almost ruined her life. I watched it and everything she was saying I could relate to. I cried of relief because I thought I finally found the answer to why I was feeling this way. Well, as some of you may know Depo stays in your system 3 months after one dose. In march 2017, it should've been gone, right? Yet I am still feeling so depressed. I feel like I'm in a whole different world. NOTHING makes me happy. I felt empty on my graduation day, seeing my family I hadn't seen in 10 years because they live in California didn't make me happy, getting my first job didn't make me happy. I don't know what's wrong with me? I am losing a lot of energy. No matter how much I sleep, I am still tired. I wake up tired. I've lost all my friends because I find it hard to maintain a relationship. I've been to therapy and all they do is listen to me for 10 minutes and prescribe me medicine. I don't take it because I want to figure out what the catalyst was first. Is it possible Depo Provera is still in my system causing my hormones to be out of whack causing me depression? I was on it from september 2015 to December 2016. Please, someone help me figure this out... or if any one can just be here for me. I'm growing so tired. I should be out living and having fun. Yet all I do is go to work and come home and sleep. Rinse and repeat. Please help me.
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