Please read. I have no where else to turn. Very depressed & don't know why

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I'm not sure if this is even going to help me but this is my last cry for help as I don't know what to do and I'm losing my mind trying to figure out what's wrong. 

To start off, I'm 18 years old. I just graduated this year from high school. I have never struggled with depression or feeling empty until 2 years ago. I was the type of person who couldn't understand why someone could be sad for no reason no matter how hard I tried. Well, 2 years ago I began taking the birth control Depo Provera. I started it September 2015. In October 2015, my boyfriend of 3 years left me. I was of course heartbroken but I did not feel this agonizing emptiness that I do now as I knew things would get better eventually. It was my first heartbreak and I knew everyone goes through it. In December 2015, Christmas to be exact, I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic terrified that I had committed the unpardonable sin. I am a religious person but I've never worried about my salvation or anything. And it was strange to me how just randomly out of nowhere I started to freak out whether my God still loved me or not. I obsessed over this for about 2 months, constantly looking up things online trying to find reassurance that I was okay. I think that was my first bout of depression... all I wanted to do was lay down because I thought what was the point of living if I was going to hell anyway? A few months passed and I tried to carry on living normally even though it still bothered me. In May 2016, I took my second dose of Depo Provera. I noticed after this dosage my hair started to fall out in large amounts. I didn't tie it to the birth control yet because it happened to me when I was 7, so I thought maybe it was stress induced or something... over the summer in 2016, I grew increasingly depressed. I couldn't explain it, there was just this evil, empty, draining feeling in my chest. I began to lose focus on school & things I used to enjoy. The feeling I felt became ALL I thought about. It terrified me because I've never struggled with anything like this before... I was doing good in school, got a new boyfriend who treats me like a queen, I have a nice family, yet I was still depressed. I couldn't understand why. September 2016 I took my third dose of Depo. I was depressed during this time as well. My hair had grown back but the depression did not go away & I was steadily gaining weight. Life was still good yet still empty. In December 2016 is when I took my last dosage of Depo Provera. This is when I came across a video on YouTube about a girl saying Depo almost ruined her life. I watched it and everything she was saying I could relate to. I cried of relief because I thought I finally found the answer to why I was feeling this way. Well, as some of you may know Depo stays in your system 3 months after one dose. In march 2017, it should've been gone, right? Yet I am still feeling so depressed. I feel like I'm in a whole different world. NOTHING makes me happy. I felt empty on my graduation day, seeing my family I hadn't seen in 10 years because they live in California didn't make me happy, getting my first job didn't make me happy. I don't know what's wrong with me? I am losing a lot of energy. No matter how much I sleep, I am still tired. I wake up tired. I've lost all my friends because I find it hard to maintain a relationship. I've been to therapy and all they do is listen to me for 10 minutes and prescribe me medicine. I don't take it because I want to figure out what the catalyst was first. Is it possible Depo Provera is still in my system causing my hormones to be out of whack causing me depression? I was on it from september 2015 to December 2016. Please, someone help me figure this out... or if any one can just be here for me. I'm growing so tired. I should be out living and having fun. Yet all I do is go to work and come home and sleep. Rinse and repeat. Please help me. 

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15 Replies

  • Posted

    Hy Justina,

    i know exactly what you are feeling . You are not the only one ... and you are not alone .

    i had the same situations,but i force myself to  call a friend ...or to go outside and feed the ducks.. anything  that i usually use to  enjoy and believe me step by step , day by day ,you will fell much better..

    i am still struggling like you ,and i still have bad days ,but had been an improvement on me .

    if you need someone to speck with , i am here..we are here 

    Take care .

     

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much sweetheart for replying. It is extremely hard, and yes some days are better than others, and then there are days where I feel like there is nothing else in this world but me and my mind. Completely engulfed by this dark, sinister feeling. And other days I can't remember what it felt like to feel that way. So weird right? I don't know wtf is wrong with me. I used to be such a laid back, optimistic person. I don't know myself anymore. All I know is my happiness & peace of mind is worth fighting for, as is yours and every one else fighting this b***h of depression... how we will get to the other side, I don't know. But I'm here for you 

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  • Posted

    Hello Justina my name is Diane. Unfortunately therapy is not a quick fix and it's hard to be patient. I use to have what I call "tunnel vision" meaning I would get fixated on one thing and that...to me was the only solution. Since it has been so long since you got off Provera I think it has to be out of your system. Now it may be time to focus on other solutions. Often we have to act ourselves into right thinking. In other words go to therapy and take their suggestions on how to treat your symptoms. You are young and deserve to have a happy life. We care will you please keep us posted? Diane

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    • Posted

      I sure will, thank you so much for your reply. I have had a lot of trauma in my life but I don't think that's what caused my depression. It just came out of no where & still I have no idea why it happened. Because I have always been a positive person, taking life head on. But now it's like something so evil has taken over my mental and soul. sad it's very sad and hard to fight because it's so much bigger than me. I wonder if it's my thyroid as my aunt has thyroid issues. Or my hormones in general. My diet has been very poor, nothing but fast food for the past year. I've gained a lot of weight too. I don't know if things like that could cause someone to fall into a deep hole like the one I am in but I'm just thinking of possibilities.... the hardest part about this is not knowing WHAT is causing it. Again, thank you so much for replying. It is so nice to know someone cares. 

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    • Posted

      Hi again Justina. Yes I care and lots of people on here care very much. No one can understand like people that have been where you have been like someone who has had cancer can identify with another who has had cancer. I did not realize how much my childhood was affecting my present until I went into therapy and worked on myself. It was hard but I was honest and worked hard and I am a devout Christian and I knew God was guiding my every step. God has not turned on you Justina you are not a bad person you are a wonderful young person with issues to be resolved with lots of hope out in your future! Please keep us posted we do care I think you know that. Right? Diane
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  • Posted

    justina14297 I want you to know you are not alone and there's nothing wrong with the way you feel. You are severely overwhelmed with everything you have experienced. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You are smart not to take the meds because you will get better in time. Allow yourself to feel this way and try not to fight it. There is nothing wrong with you. Perhaps you need to talk to a counsellor or a psychologist to get everything you are feeling off your chest. You have been so patient I commend you on that. God doesn't hate you please make yourself believe that God will never hate you for anything. I know exactly how you feel. I beat myself up like that too to the point it feels like evil has taken over your soul and you are in the darkest of all places that no one can take you out. You are very young and need guidance with depression, anxiety and panic and also OCD thoughts. You are most definitely very sensitive and somewhat a perfectionist, am I right? I am that way too. No one is perfect my dear. Be patient as this shall pass too BELIEVE ME.. thank you for sharing I would like to help you as I j ow exactly how you feel. I've been feeling a certain way for the past year myself with severe depression and everything else evil that strips a persons soul. Please feel free to talk to me email me if you like I'm a female a mother of three. I hope this makes you feel a little bit at ease in the near future if not straight away because I know how this all works and feels it's horrible yes it sure is. YOU are not alone my dear please don't be ashamed to talk more you have made your first step to recovery. It could be very well you feel depressed because of the pill it can cause a lot of side effects and depression is horrid. I'd like to hear from you again. 

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    • Posted

      Hi luv, thank you so much for replying to me. I will pm you and give my email. It truly is exhausting. And it does feel bigger than me. I have thought that it is spiritual warfare. I am religious and I have backslid a lot. I don't know where I stand spiritually in this world or the next, I think it contributes a lot. 

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  • Posted

    I'm always tired too and sleepy don't understand since I don't do nothing. I am empty and sad too. I'm never happy. There's always that d*ad feeling inside. I'm here but I don't look forward to anything. I stay in bed. If you think it's the medication you should stop taking it. Talk with your doctor so you can withdraw from med. I do believe some meds cause more problems than they help. Paxil caused me problems I have never been through ever before. My life went down the drain since I started taking paxil 7 years ago. I left it two months later after I had my first su*cide attempt. Like you I didn't understand why I was feeling that way. Depression s*cks! Hope you get better🙏💪We do care💕?

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  • Posted

    Hi Justina -  Your physical system sounds like it's in trouble. My suggestion would be an appointment with your doctor, get a blood test, see what chemicals are in your system so you can once and for all rule out any lagging effects of Depo. While you are with the doc, explain how you are feeling, how long you have felt that way, any periods of similar depression throughout your life. Meds are prescribed to lift your mood, but they are only a tool and should be used in conjunction with a therapist, counsellor or psychologist, who will help you dig down inside and see whether there are underlying issues that need to be dealt with. At 18, having graduated (good on you), got a job (good on you), you should be enjoying life to the full, and it is not 'normal' to be as flat and down as you are. Action is required, and the first step is that appointment. Meanwhile, you can write down any feeling or symptoms as they occur and take that with you to the docs to help you explain. What is happening is physical, not spiritual. Your soul is fine, and there is only a hell if you choose to believe in it.

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    • Posted

      I should add that the process of dealing with depression takes time and you should allow yourself as much time as you need to get back on your feet. There are no one-size-fits-all remedies for depression. Your illness is as individual as you are.
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    • Posted

      I just don't understand how I went from a completely happy, normal teenage girl to suicidal and my view on the world is completely changed. I feel like my mind is broken and that I'll never be me again. It makes me hate myself. For it to have happened out of no where, does that mean it's physical? No one in my family has depression like this. 

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    • Posted

      Hi justina14297

      We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

      If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

      Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

      If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

      Kindest regards

      Patient

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  • Posted

    Omg I went through the same thing. It Is spiritual! Believe me the fear, anxiety depression for nothing. Let me know if need me to explain i will give u my email.
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