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I am lying here in bed, next to my husband of 27 years and I can't tell him how I feel. He doesn't do talking or emotion, he tries but just can't do it.
I have been suffering with depression for over 30 years on and off. I have never told anyone how bad it is. I don't like making a fuss or being the centre of attention. Plus I have no reason to be depressed. This is just me, I'm broken somehow and the only person who can fix me is me. But I don't have the energy or inclination.
10 days ago I took a massive overdose. I'd done my research. I knew what to take, how much and how long it should take. Obviously I'm not as good a mathematician as I thought and I didn't bank on hypothermia setting in so quickly and stopping my body absorbing them.
Everything was blown sky high. Everyone knows what I did. I was discharged from hospital after 4 days and allowed home.
But nothing will change. We will just forget this happened, put it down to a moment of madness and carry on like before.
I know I will do it again. And I have learned from last weeks mistakes. I'm not saying now, but at some point. I don't want to but I don't see any other way of making the pain stop for good.
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