Please tell me there is hope
Posted , 5 users are following.
I am lying here in bed, next to my husband of 27 years and I can't tell him how I feel. He doesn't do talking or emotion, he tries but just can't do it.
I have been suffering with depression for over 30 years on and off. I have never told anyone how bad it is. I don't like making a fuss or being the centre of attention. Plus I have no reason to be depressed. This is just me, I'm broken somehow and the only person who can fix me is me. But I don't have the energy or inclination.
10 days ago I took a massive overdose. I'd done my research. I knew what to take, how much and how long it should take. Obviously I'm not as good a mathematician as I thought and I didn't bank on hypothermia setting in so quickly and stopping my body absorbing them.
Everything was blown sky high. Everyone knows what I did. I was discharged from hospital after 4 days and allowed home.
But nothing will change. We will just forget this happened, put it down to a moment of madness and carry on like before.
I know I will do it again. And I have learned from last weeks mistakes. I'm not saying now, but at some point. I don't want to but I don't see any other way of making the pain stop for good.
4 likes, 7 replies
steven43881 lucy1969
Posted
Good Morning, Lucy I went through the same thing as you for seven yrs. What brings you through is an inner faith that you are just ias good as ANYONE on this earth. and it takes an INNER FAITH to be able to do this. I know this sounds metaphysical, but its the truth. Believe me. We all have these GOD given traits inside of us, we just have to have that inner strength to be able to use them. Good Luck, my dear. I know you can do this. It's just inside of you. GOD gave you a Purpose for being here.You are uniquei in every way. There is not a peson around who is able to be as good as the person you are. Please believe this, my dear, and it just might help in lifting the depression that you have been through. My thoughts are WITH you.
Steve
hypercat lucy1969
Posted
Hi your second paragraph says it all.
'I have been suffering with depression for over 30 years on and off. I have never told anyone how bad it is'.
Often depression will go away of it's own accord but at other times it doesn't. Untreated depression for all this time has accumulated until you can only see suicide as a way out. Depression is random and can strike anyone at any time regardless of their situation and it needs treating the same as any physica illness. If you were diabetic for example would you not seek treatment and take insulin? It sounds like you are embarrassed and feel ashamed of it. I know there is still a stigma about it but hopefully this is changing slowly.
Even though you don't have the inclination or energy to tackle this you must. This is the negative thoughts of depression and they trick your mind. Everyone in life is valuable and worth helping and you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to seek treatment.
Please please go an see your doctor and tell them how bad it is. Tell them you are suicidal and they will be able to help you. Meds might help for the time being but counselling is the way to go.
After all what have you got to lose? And you might have everything to gain. We all know and understand how you feel on here so well done for being so brave to come in and tell us. That's the first step. Now take the second and make an appointment to see your doctor. If it's easier write down how you feel and just give it to the doctor. S/he has seen and heard it all before so you will not shock or embarrass them I promise.
You are not alone with this anymore as you now have us and we all care about you. Stay with us and talk and we will help and support you as much as we can. Stay strong sweetheart and have hope. Bev xxx
lucy1969 hypercat
Posted
Thank you.
I have been on venlafaxine for two years (187.5mg) but don't feel it has made a difference. I have been on citalopram before with no benefit.
I am embarrassed and ashamed of it. I have no reason to feel like this. I am selfish, weak and pointless. I honestly don't feel I have any value to anyone.
I have a telephone appointment with my GP tomorrow. I will try to be honest with her (she will probably have the discharge notes from the hospital I ended up in by now). But it's so hard to explain when I don't understand it myself.
I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails and I'm so tired.
lucy1969
Posted
I spoke to my GP this morning who asked me to go in and see her in person.
She has referred me to the crisis team who have already been in touch. I'm not sure what happens from here, I think they will send someone to see me every day until I am stable enough to be referred for CBT.
In the meantime, GP has upped my dose of venlafaxine rather than reduce it but she did say the crisis team would sort out my meds as that is their specialty.
I thought I'd feel a sense of relief but I just feel numb...
wayne1962 lucy1969
Posted
Hi Lucy - sad to read of what you are suffering - especially as there seems no-one to talk to too. I'm wondering whether any arrangements have been made for continued professional assistance after your suicide bid? Getting help is not attention-seeking or "making a fuss." You are ill. You need to address the illness and take measures to understand and relieve it. See your doctor. Explain what you are feeling. Meds may be prescribed and time must be allowed for them to work. You should seek a referral to a psychologist, who will be the person you can talk to. Assistance will be given to help you dig down inside to see what issues are resulting in all those years of depression. Do this for yourself and your future. As for hubby - well - people cannot give what they haven't got, which is why you need to establish a support network of those who understand and can help you through. Don't quit. You've got to try everything else first. Best of luck to you.
lucy1969 wayne1962
Posted
I spoke to my Dr yesterday who referred me to the crisis team. For the first time in months I felt there? was a tiny glimmer of hope.
Two people from the crisis team came to my house today. We spoke for a long time about my history, fears, etc.
But they didn't listen. They jumped on the fact that I am unhappy in my marriage as the cause of my problems. But it is only a small part of why I did what I did. If I thought my marriage was the problem I'd have left years ago.
I feel like I'm back to square one.
wayne1962 lucy1969
Posted
Hi again Lucy - I'm sorry you have had that sort of reception from the Crisis Team. Sounds like they are minimising what is happening with you. I too have had similar reactions from such a group - dismissive and disinterested that this moment was an accumulation of a life-time of angst, anxiety and depression which I dealt with by self medication and endless distractions. They were there because I was desperate, and all they seemed interested in was whether they could section me (against my will) and, if not, that I was not in a serious situation. Awful - and a sure way to kill any trust.
My suggestion is that you return to that doctor and explain what happened. Insist on a referral to a psychologist. Also, did the doctor perscribe any meds? If you feel the doc is not listening or is dismissive, get another doc. Don't quit. Unfortunately for people like us, the path to help is fraught with obstacles - the most damaging being the dismissive and disbelief of the very professionals who are supposed to help. Hang in there, Lucy.