Possible BPD. I'm so exhausted

Detailed talk of suicidal thoughts, drug and alcohol abuse and disturbed thoughts

I'm 22 years old and have been struggling with mental illness since I was 13. When I was 16 I went to the doctors for the first time to speak to them about it and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and given the first of four antidepressants I've been on.

At first, I started feeling better because my anxiety was dulling a bit, as was my depression. But after 10-12 months, I realised I still wasn't right. My thought processes were strange, I'd zone out for sometimes a whole day at a time, I couldn't concentrate, my libido was up and down and back to front, I couldn't hold down relationships (both romantic and platonic), my mood would swing at the click of a finger (sometimes with extreme anger), my grades started to slip. My doctor changed my antidepressants, still no change.

As the years have gone on, my symptoms have worsened, I've become isolated and alone, I have literally no friends. My only company is my mother whom I care for and my dad and two brothers. My dog is honestly my best friend, that's how sad my life is. Between the ages of 17 and 20 I had a severe drink problem, I would binge every weekend and end up unconscious, sometimes to the point where somebody would find me blue in the face and choking on my own vomit. Along with the drink I use drugs, whatever I can get my hands on but it's usually cannabis, cocaine, or opiate painkillers, sometimes at the same time. The suicidal thoughts have been pretty persistent since I turned 19/20 and seem to be getting more intense and note real. I don't want to die and I'm not actively planning to do anything, but I make wreckless decisions, I don't care about the consequences and I honestly don't care if my actions lead to my death. I don't want to feel like this, I really don't, but I've reached a point where I've accepted it for what it is and that I'm trapped.

My new doctor is finally listening to me and has changed my medication to pregabalin, which honestly isn't helping either, but still least now I'm on a waiting list to see a mental health professional who may be able to give me a diagnosis. My doctor thinks it may be BPD or possibly a schizoid disorder due to the intense paranoia that I experience. I think the main thing is that I want to be medicated properly because I've never had that chance and I'd like to see if it helps. I'm really looking forward to being able to unload all of this onto somebody who is trained to deal with it, because it's a lot to carry around on my own. I'm just scared that I'm inherently broken and impossible to fix.

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