Pregnant, depressed, anxious & need help, I know its long but please read 😭

this is my story: I started sertraline back 11th november 2019, wrongly prescribed by one of the GPs when I said I was having trouble sleeping and nightmares etc, no low mood at this point, I had NO issues eith my mental health but trusted my Dr as I'm only 22 and have had no knowledge of antidepressants or mental health prior to this.

I had a severe bad mental reaction to the above medication after just 3 days which resulted in me becoming suicidal and felt disconnected etc etc, then being put straight onto mirtazapine 15mg, along with diazepam as a GP had diagnosed me with anxiety and completley dismissed the sertraline as the cause of the symptoms I was having after taking it, I was fine for 4 weeks then when came off the diazepam and just on the mirtazepine I became extremley anxious abiyt my mental state and started to become suicidal and having really dark thoughts and was not myself and just felt like a stranger in my own life, felt like my brain was shutting down mental health wise and everything else.

I was then immediately put onto citalopram 10mg, on 18th december 2019, along with quetiapine 25mg for "anxiety" and depression, I was doing well for a couple of weeks then went downhill again and became extremley depressed again, resulting in me being signed off work again.

my dosage was upped to 20mg, and quetiapine 50mg at night to slow my anxious and suicidal thoughts. I was then after about a week, fine for almost 4 weeks, which is when I went EXTREMLEY downhill again, became extremley suicidal, contemplated taking all my pills or moving out so my partner and 2 year old daughter dont have to deal with me anymore, as a constantly crying suicidal mess, not functioning, not sleeping,- not eating etc.

it got so bad that we ended up getting our local mental health team intensive service involved becuase I so badly wanted help to not feel that way anymore, as I have everything in life and absolute no reason to have depression or anxiety, i was signed off from work for another month (2.5 months in total so far), and had mental health team visiting me daily.

I saw a phsyciatrist and he upped my dosage of citalopram to 30mg, he said the reason I dipped straight back down was just down to my dosage not being high enough, I trusted this as seemed like a logical explanation and he has been a phsyciatrist for 37 years.

I was then told to take diazepam to calm down my distress over the suicidal thoughts, and help me cope until the new dosage kicked in which the phsyciatrist said to expect small improvements after a week.

I also started propranalol for the physical symptoms of anxiety, after starting the propranalol I was FINE, I was my complete normal self despite still having the mental anxiety, which I believed to be down to the dosage being upped and the propranalol, which I was taking 40mg 3x a day.

I again had 4 very good weeks where I finally thought I was better, I was mega excited to go back to work, I was happy again, I finally truly believed that it was all behind me, I expected to have a bad day here and there but I didnt care as I finally felt better.

then after those 4 weeks I started to get the burning sensation in my chest again, almost exactly 5 weeks after my dosage was upped and 3 - 4 weeks after I had started to feel better, I didnt panic too much, as I thought that it may just be abit of a blip and tried my hardest to convince myself that this didnt mean I was going to become really unwell again.

so i went back to work on 24 march 2020 as planned despite me feeling and noticing I was spiralling again, and tried my hardest to just get on with it, this didnt work and now I came massively crashing down again, I called MH team and GP who both said take 1 extra propranalol and diazepam twice a day for couple of days, which I've did that week and was no better and back to square one of being suicidal and basically non functioning again and scared, lost and alone, fearing I'm going to have to quit my job, feeling disconnected from the world around me, not myself again, trapped in my own head and frustrated, extremley upset, feeling like I've let down my employer and my partner and little girl as although I cant help it and was trying my hardest, they simply do not deserve to have to deal with my mental health declining like this every 4 weeks, it's like I get a glimpse of my life back then snatched back away and to say I'm heartbroken is an understatement, I'm not eating, not sleeping and barley functioning again, and unable to concentrate which means I'll have to be signed off again and I'm actually contemplating having to quit my job that I loved so so much.

by the 2nd week of april 2020 I was feeling ok and starting to feel myself again, this continued and I remained feeling like myself for the next 4 weeks until around 2 weeks ago when I started getting anxious thoughts about my mental health again, then last sunday out of nowhere I woke up and was in absolute tears all day felt VERY depressed, barley functioning.

it has continued to be every 3-5 weeks since november 2019 despite me having NO mental health issues before this, I started to believe that it may actually he the tablets causing this, along with a possible hormonal problem triggered by the citalopram as it's always just before I come on my period.

I've spoken to a phsyciatric nurse from our primary care liaison mental health service, before I even mentioned meds after explaining the whole story of what's happened to me to them, he didnt think I should be on meds at all, He spoke to the consultant phsyciatrist but he said hes horrified by the whole situation and he believes it is the medication causing the monthly waves of depression and it could be exacerbating hormones etc he had a really logical explanation for it around how serotonin can actually make hormones worse and actually directly cause issues and unbalances, he said the quetiapine antiphsycotic I'm on will also be affecting serotonin and therefore exacerbating it even more, creating more serotonin which isnt always good when your hormones are unbalanced or something like that, as the quetiapine can boost levels of serotonin where it's not needed or something like that, hes gunna call me again next week once hes spoke to the phsyciatrist and also a psychologist, the citalopram and all the other meds have actually now seem to have caused me to have permanent mental health problems... or if it really is just the antidepressants making me feel this way, as I have a beautiful life and daughter and partner, I almost quit my job that time around, I handed in my notice to my boss but he gave me time to retract it which I did on the advice of the phsyc nurse.

when I'm that depressed I become to have suicidal feelings, and like my daughter and partner would be better off without me so mentally unstable etc. when in my right frame of mind it makes me feel sick to even think about that as I know it's not true but when I feel that way I really cant control it and couldnt control the deep painful feelings of sadness and depression for NO reason...

All this has caused me to feel ive lost my closeness with my precious nearly 3yr old daughter and partner, becuase my partner has obviously had to take over when im really bad as much as I try, i feel like ilp never have the normal life i had before all this.

So, the above happened in may 2020 and i began to wean off citalopram at the start of june 2020, all throughout weaning off the meds i was FINE besides slight anxiety when dropping as withdrawal, ive now been completely off citalopram ever since.

After about 6 weeks or so, i started feeling really off again, anxious, then tearful, and then i was a complete wreck depressed and anxious badly again and having horrible thoughts again, it got worse and worse, then i came on my period, and that made me feel evel worse becuase now i just feel like im now left with PERMANENT PMDD which i never had before starting any medication...

I was on the progesterone only contraceptive pill, i was on it over 2 years and prior to all of this and prior to going on the SSRIS, I was absolutely normal, most happiest, bubbly and confident person you would ever meet.

After coming off all meds i was doing ok, still had monthly dips but i was back at work and managing just about, until i found out i was pregnant at almist 9 weeks, now 10 weeks, and ever since ive been very depressed, crying, anxious and dont know what the hell is wrong with me and feel like no one or any meds is able to fix me and get me back to who ibwas before this, and im going to have to have an abortion which is really really hurting me as i want our baby and cant come to terms with the fact i wont be able to have another baby not just for me but for my partner who has always wanted more than 1, and my 3 year old.

Ive now gone through over a years worth of absolute hell and im ready to give up, if i now have a permanent issue whether it be depression&anxiety, PMDD, or PME or all of it what the hell can i do? I just want my normal life back 😭

I obviously dont want to be on SSRIS again as they made me feel 10x worse, got depersonalisation etc with them... but slightly considering fluoxetine as was put on it at 17 (attention seeking teenager eith no MH issues) and was fine on it for a while didnt notice any difference except amazing MH becuase i was never ill in the first place.

Im now not only going through this but now heartbroken i wont be able to have more children due to risk of post natal issues, not being able to cope, etx and even if I did get better id still be scared of my hormones changing and becoming even more unwell 😭

Im now signed off work again for the first time since i returned 6 months ago, pregnant awaiting consultation from an abortion clinic on 24th, and just feeling like my life is over 😭

What do i do next😭😭😭

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