Pretty sure I'm depressed

I've been living with epilepsy for almost 19 years now. I'm 32 (will turn 33 on Dec. 2nd) and haven't been able to hold a job, can't get a license due to my (usually) constant seizures and I don't qualify as being disabled according to several Doctors and Neurologist because I'm able bodied enough to work for a few months at most without having a seizure. I've been fired for having seizures before, but the official termination was not being able to make it to work (even though I've had a seizure in the building and had to be carted off to the hospital). Now I'm at the point to where I can't get a job at a location close enough to me to walk and there are no busses where I live. I'm being threatened every day by my mom's boyfriend that he'll kick me out if I can't get a job to start paying for things around here. I'd move in with my dad, but he's more messed up than this entire household. The last thing that I want to do is live with anyone who won't let me cook and leaves enough laundry in and near the washer so that I can't even wash my clothes, but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I'm tired all day, am never hungry and my hygiene is a mess likely due to everything that's been going on. I don't know what to do or how to get out of this box I've been in for the past 8 years of my life.

I often think of ways to kill myself, but I'd likely never do it due to it being a stupid thing to do; but I don't know where else to turn. I can't even find a therapist that takes my insurance anywhere within an hour from here. I'd be fine with doing it through video call, but I don't feel comfortable talking with a therapist while I'm in my home and there's nowhere I can go to be alone to do it either.

I feel like if I ever start getting money, I'd be liable to take a hit out (I don't know where I'd find a hitman) on myself so I don't have to do it myself the next time I felt down like this.

My dreams of doing anything have been shattered. Without a license, I can't get a job from this backwater town and I'll likely never find a girlfriend due to me not being in any position for that to succeed at the moment.

I don't know what to do, but I know I want to do something.

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