PTSD and trust
Posted , 3 users are following.
I was dignosed with PTSD in 2001, but the initial trauma was probably back in the 1960s. I experienced similar but more intense trauma in a military situation in the 1980s. I have been steadily improving since 2001; i.e., when I have a PTSD attack I recover faster. My hyper-vigilent episodes last a few weeks instead of a few months.
Last year I staretd a new job and immediately realized I was working for a bully (again!). I could not leave because now at my age I cannot find work with health insurance (in the U.S.). My depression has become so bad I can bearly work, and I spend all weekend at home in a nearly catatonic state. Besides the PTSD I have had trouble controlling depression my whole life, and at the moment I do not have Rx that works well (I've tried them all).
All the literature for depression says "don't isolate yourself." But my PTSD brain is SCREAMING at me not to trust anyone. When I am in the middle of a PTSD episode I feel my "friends" the last people I can trust because of the past. People's response to my depression has been: abandonment, ridicule, and in some cases, physical abuse.
I am not sure how to keep going from day to day, and I cannot bring myself to call anyone because I trust no one. I can't leave my job--our new US President just signed the order to repeal the ACA (health care bill), and that was the only way I got healthcare when I was forced to work temp or contract work.
What do other people do? Do you force yourself to be more social or at least call or text people when you are anxious and depressed?
1 like, 4 replies
borderriever holly35803
Posted
I would have thought with the end of Obama Care things would get better for all on the other side of the pond.
Where you in the Forces for your PTSD ?
BOB
emily31887 holly35803
Posted
I am reading similar experiences that my husband has . His trauma was more related to his childhood but even though we live in Canada , there is little or nothing affordable to help the long term difficult task of coping with a horrible , life debilitating traumatic experience . We were so desperate for help we ended up having my husband go to a psychiatrist with a questionable reputation . But at this point we gave up on assuming we can every afford the therapy he needs . My father is a social worker and is very clear that any mental health issue needs time and that time is not dependant on the present and popular CBT 6-8 seasons . It's individual , and therapy is complete when the client decides they are ready. That is the only hope for true last recovery . CBT can help, but not long term and is superficial at best . Our traumas and experiences are processed so differently because we each have such individual experiences .
My husband started seeing this psychiatrist after he had tried all medications with little improvement on mood and focus . He always tried to be in therapy but cost was an issue so without really knowing someone long term and how they struggle daily , and how they are able to express their reality to someone else , I'm not sure how you can properly MedicAte someone successfully.
Anyway , long story short , this psychiatrist carelessly prescribed my husband with stimulant meds ( trying to also treat his ADHD ) the hospital said he was receive triple the maximum dose and it trigger psychosis . The psychiatrist lost his license but now again left with more trauma , and no hope . The only help we have is the luck that my dad soecialized in severe mental health disorders but he can be a therapist for my husband . Not many people even have that .
What I have learned from our experiences is there are always some amazing ( not many) , intelligent people you can come acrossed in your day. Sometimes if you try a group , or meeting someone knew . If you can force yourself sometimes to find places where people may have experienced something similar to you , you may learn a small fragment of information or coping strategy that makes sense to you . And all these may not make sense at the time or seem insignificant . But one day all of a sudden it might all come together and you may have the strength and knowledge to take one more step up out of the fog that is holding you down from functioning no the way you should , and having as many happy , peaceful moments as you can . But you have to be open to challenging yourself to educate yourself and learn from others . Really the best person to heal you is you . You will need information from other professionals , that's a given , but hey are not always right either . They don't really know you and your struggles . Trust your gut , fight through the fear , let yourself off the hook , allow yourself days to give in and be overwhelmed and stay in bed , but make sure you get yourself out of bed and try again , you just never know what experience you run into you could add to your healing!
holly35803 emily31887
Posted
Hello emily, and thanks for your response.
Back when I was first diagnosed with PTSD I had a lot of hope. I attended a group for learning DBT. I attended another one for learning CBT (Cognitive Behavior Training). I have worked with a therapist on EMDR on and off, and I think that has helped. Right now I work 10 am to 7 pm, and it is not possible to try to join any groups again.
What I *have* found over and over is that friends give up when you are depressed, and even more so if you are in a PTSD state. They even get ANGRY at you for not "getting over it." After so many years I have decided it feels safer not to try to defend myself to people called friends or constantly censure myself around "friends."
The problem is my job situation is to bad I feel like I am in constant pain at work, and I have to be totally alone when I am not at work. I used to have about three friends, but all three abandoned me when they insisted "you CAN find another job." They don't understand how my field has gone 100% contract in the US. If I quit this job I lose my last chance at health insurance, and I lose my home. So, now these last friends basically won't be my friends because they disapprove of me for staying in a horrible job.
I can't stand spending all of my energy trying to stay silent at work and then spending time with "friends" and censuring myself around them as well.
They say "don't isolate yourself." I cannot bear to NOT isolate myself.
emily31887 holly35803
Posted
I am sometimes guilty of saying " get over it" to my husband in frustration. I apologize and I know that you can't just get over it. I believe I am lucky to have my dad that gives me insight into what my husband is experiencing . It's so hard because we have tried so hard to find him the help he needs and he is open and willing to do it. However , I'm have always had this feeling that he is missing a switch that just disables him from moving forward . I thought the right meds would help but that just doesn't seem to have helped at all. And then being overdosed to the point of psychosis has really pushed him backwards . He has so much trouble at work. He's a big guy and somehow always seems to get bullied , he makes mistakes because his mind is so cluttered with negative thoughts and insecurities . He was fired for mistakes and behaviours when he was overdosed on stimulants and we lost our benefits that day. With three kids and all on expensive meds , dentist appts , eye glasses . It's all unaffordable and we did lose our house because without knowing he was overdosed and reacting to it , I thought he had succumb to his PTSD and we had lost him forever . So now we live at my parents with seemingly little hope of moving out since our medical bills are so high. And this is in Canada !
I understand why you don't want to be around your friends . So many people just don't get it and think you choose to be depressed . I to suffer from this and I don't have a lot of friends either . I guess the difference is have a therapist for a dad that is always open to listening and guiding me out of the depressive fog . This doesn't seem to work for my husband . And I just don't understand why, I understand how he ended up this way but not how to help . I've read tonze of books and have been supportive ( with some moments of " get over it " and then I end up hating myself ) .
Just try not to take it personally about your friends " get over it " mentality . I mean I wouldn't want to be around that either . I just mean don't internalize it as a rejection of your true self. Because the symptoms of depression and anxiety are not part of your personality. Mental illness just is not seen as a true physical disorder .... to most people . Like my husband always says " I wish I was diagnosised with a brain tumor ". I now agree with him. A brain tumor can be seen . A brain tumor is covered by Ohip, and treatment plan is created to heal. There is still uncertainty but the pain can be seen and I turn people are more understanding .
The job situation , I understand you not wanting to leave it . I desperately look for the silver lining in everything I can . After I had to leave my job to care for My husband while overdosed on meds by a doctor . And then him losing his job. ( we both hated our jobs ) somehow we have both found new jobs we actually like . We are still broke and homeless but it really does feel good to work when you at the very least are respected and enjoy more moments then you don't . It's life changing really. I don't like the position that my husband losing his job put us in but he feels better about himself and I have a renewed hope in possibilities for my life . I think takes small steps towards doing things that feel good will eventually lead you to better , happier moments in life . Life really is about have more good moments then bad and personally I would rather live in an apartment and not hate going to work then struggle to get out the door everyday and come home to a house . Being unhappy at work really sucks the life out of you . At this point this is all I have for hope that my husband. Can feel better and we can become a closer family . Relationships are the most difficult thing to maintain , and if you feel unhappy , even harder . But having close , secure relationships is wht give us wealth in life , happiness , security . Also different relationships can serve as different purposes . Maybe you wouldn't trust one friend with your life but they are a blast to spend certain amounts of time with. Allow yourself not have limited trust with some and develop the ability to know the very very small few you can trust. There are good moments for you out there , and as hard as it is to grab them for you , changing your expectations of people and yourself might make a difference . Again thought I am it trying to dismiss your true pain . I know it feels like your lock up in jail . I'm just saying with limited resources and insight within the world sometimes trying to find hope in other ways is all you can do. It's a sad reality .