PTSD from extreme domestic violence

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I was married to a man who was a psychopath, but I didn't realise this until it was too late. He is a psychopath and a pathological liar. He convinces himself that what he's saying is true, and then he convinces others. He gradually became more and more controlling and restrictive, isolating me from friends and family first just by keeping me at home and then by moving me far away from everyone and keeping me at home. He tried to kill me and our children several times, and wouldn't let me have access to the car unless it was on empty. I was not allowed access to funds at all. He stopped allowing anyone to come to our house so that no one would know how he was treating us. He was a very charming man, and people saw more of him than me, so it was easy for him to keep telling people that I was mad, paranoid or in one of my \"moods\" when I would try to tell someone what was going on and try to get help. The curtains were always closed so that no one could see in, but he told people that this was my fault...everything was always my fault. His behaviour became so sinister that I didn't trust him at night when I was sleeping. I caught him hacking into my email accounts and stealing emails when my back was turned, and he destroyed two computers with pornography, then told everyone it was me. I was afraid of how soundly I would sleep because I didn't trust him in the night. He was always checking up on me, and even had the police check on me when he was out of town so that he would know where I was....he told them that he was worried about me being alone. He got everyone to sympathise with him and to come down on me for being \"hard\" on him when I would complain and try to get help. Even friends turned against me, even with evidence in front of them, because he could charm people so well. It was as if he could blind them. I had to keep one step ahead of him all the time and be able to know what he was going to try next, so I stopped drinking even a glass of wine so that I could stay alert. We finally manaaged to escape after 11 years, and I had saved over a year's time all sorts of evidence about what I had been through. This evidence helped us to get hidden away, and we got our identities changed. But some serious slip-ups in the system exposed us, and he used the internet relentlessly to track us. He would find us and have us followed. I was constantly alert and watching around us to make sure if we were being followed, which we frequently were. I was able to see what was coming in time to get away. Over the next few years, I was constantly turned on to watching everything and everyone whenever we went out. If my guard slipped even for a minute, I would get very upset because things could happen so quickly and it was up to me to protect the children. He was relentless and wouldn't give up because of his obsessive behaviour. Finally, after 17 years of fighting it, I lost everything, even the children. It was very traumatising for them, more than for me, I'm sure...they're only children. I did my best, but the courts failed us. I was first told that I was suffering from severe PTSD six years ago. I didn't know what it was and didn't stop to ask. I couldn't sleep with the lights off at all, and had constant horrible nightmares. I was exhausted from constantly being on guard, but didn't dare let up. I kept trying to hide this from the children so that they wouldn't be afraid, but they knew what was going on anyway. We were constantly being moved from shelter to shelter because he was always finding us, and the caseworkers were always worried for their own safety after seeing my evidence. We never knew when we got up in the morning where we would be at night, and I couldn't make plans of any kind. I had to make life-and-death decisions, major decisions, very quickly, often within seconds. They would need an answer immediately when we would find out that we were in danger again. What to do, where to go, would it work or not. All was on my shoulders, and I knew that the children's lives were in my hands. I couldn't stop to think much. I was always terrified that I would make the wrong decision, but I had to do what I could. In the end, none of it mattered. One bad judge is all it takes. Several professionals over the years have told me that I'll never be cured. It's been explained to me now what PTSD is, and how it has physically changed the way my brain works. People who don't understand that are often judgemental. I suffer nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, etc., and I cry easily. I'm startled easily, and an innocent behaviour on the part of a man I don't know can be very upsetting. It took me a few years to learn how to get out of the house again and to be around people again. Shelters were horrible. I still don't do entirely well, and can't really be comfortable around men I don't know. I have men who are friends, and they watch over me sometimes. I try not to see the wrong man when I'm looking at them, but it isn't easy. I can't cure myself. I also can't get treatment. There is no treatment for PTSD available where I live, and the NHS is resisting my gp's efforts to get them to send me to London for treatment. There is no support group for me to talk to. I can't talk to the women in the domestic violence support group because my case is too intense and it's too upsetting to them. I tried going to the local women's centre to talk to a therapist, and in one half-hour session had her in tears. HER. What am I supposed to do? I have no one to turn to. If I do find a support group for PTSD, it will likely be comprised mostly of men, and will prove difficult for me. Before that can happen, we have to convince the NHS that women do suffer PTSD and that war isn't the only place where combat takes place. I've suffered very similar situations to men in combat, but for 17 years. I can't get a job or even really have a normal life until I get treatment, and I'm being denied that. The NHS wishes that they could say I'm just a depressed female so that they could give me some valiums and make me go away. But it isn't that simple, and I'm not depressed. I always feel as though I have no one to talk to who has any idea what I'm going through at all, or what I've been through in the past. I don't have much hope of being allowed the treatment that I need to be able to get on with my life. I've done all I can do on my own. I know people try to understand, but they don't really, and there are always those who judge.

1 like, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • Posted

    hi, my name is pink i am 46 years old female, i have just read your experience in domestic violence (severe) and cant believe i found someone who has gone through very similar past and who is still in pain inside what eats you away, i lived in fear for 15years and lost my kids that i will never be the same again, i hadnt done nothing and had my 3 most precious things in my life ( my children) and social services ) came and just took them and put them in care beacause of there father. and they put them in seperate foster homes my kids begged to come home to me but it was always no and all wot the mental man done to me i tried to keep my self together for my kids i loved and still do so very very much. sorry i have to stop there theres just so much that has happend i cant go on and i get upset (sorry) but you are so wright in saying people just aint got a clue. i would so much like to have contact with you, take care

    pink xx

  • Posted

    Hi my name is natalie iv to been affected by domestic violence for 8 yrs he was very charmng at first couldnt do enough for me,Sometimes the way he spoke to his own mother alarm bells should of been going off] but no nat fell for him.His mother owed a residentual home where he lived as night manager i had my own flat/ friends who i saw alot i had a life.He pressured me into moving in with him which i did even his mother warned me [but did i listern no] 2 mths in the violence started just because i went out shopping and not in the home when he called,His mum knew what was going on and told me to get out of the relationship by this time i had cut myself off from my friends not much money and nowhere to go i cant understand it but i couldnt fight back every slap every punch i froze didnt tell anyone wot was going on He attacked me one night my doctor prescribed me the pill for bad periods he accused me off playing around he kicked off it was allways my fault of course his increasing paranoia was getting worse hes drinking/smoking grass every day after work every argument tring to calm him down getting annoyed i had restrictions work then home alot of the times he drove and picked me up from work .THE DAY IT ENDERD it was my day off work i went to the police station to report my stepdad for sexiual abuse when i was younger he had phoned whilst i was there i told him i was having a chat with a friend i got back to the house i could tell he was in a bad mood i cooled him down told him what happend during the day he kicked off threw a glass at me threw me to the floor then i had 2 cabnets thrown at me .I locked myself in the bathroom he smashed the door panels in i text my friend to phone the police as i coudnt calm him 1st time ever that the police were called . He had me stuck in a chair grabbed a stnley knife waved it close to my face he went wild thats when i started to get scared his eyes his pupils where like pin points the police came took him away charged him .a couple of days later i moved into a refuge and got help that i need medication as wll but it is hard starting somewhere new.BUT AT LEAST I SURVIVED/SERVIVED IV DONE.AND SO CAN U XXX KEEP IN TOUCH TAKE CARE NAT
  • Posted

    Dear Guest,

    Keep your spirits up. I have been through twelve years of horrendous violence- physical/ emotional/ financial/ sexual and managed to break free physically 4 years ago. Since my life has been a struggle to break off the fear and low self esteem. I am still working in the NHS and am a single mother. Fear is ongoing control and abuse. Getting through it is hard but possible. Please don't give up.

    r

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