Questions on depression & my brief experience story.

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I'm not entirely sure of what I'm gonna try to say here so forgive me if I become incoherent.

I fell into depression near the end of September 2006, a week or two after I had decided to leave my college art course. It was unlike anything I had ever felt. I was incredibly miserable, crying non-stop, hopeless & at a few points quite suicidal (although just to note that I would never carry those feelings through). The depression lasted till around Christmas time where steadily I began to feel better, more hopeful. I began drawing again & discovering old pastimes & pleasures; these mainly revolved around my childhood & times of innocence. I took up reading books again, in fact I read voraciously & to this day cannot be without a book. I discovered philosophy & became at once fascinated & passionate about it. I shut myself away & immersed myself in this wonderful world I'd created full of innocence & enjoyment. I'm afraid I'm not patient enough (or a good enough writer) to relate all of this period but I remember it as a happy & peaceful time.

Unfortunately it didn't last & I'd say around June/July time 2007 I began feeling down again. Needless to say I was devestated as I'd thought with the power of my philosophical, quite analytical mind I'd gotten rid of it....for good. Anyway it's been rather on & off for the past year but for the last 5/6 months I've been experiencing a type of depression that's unfamilier. I don't cry as much as I used to & I wouldn't say it's like a 'blackness' like the first time but more extreamely confused thoughts, like a conflict in my head & of course the inevitable down feeling which actually does abate now & again, although I'm not sure if it does it on it's own or I'm controlling it (I would rather the former as I wouldn't like to think of it as part of my personality). My thoughts get stuck which is a really weird feeling. I used to love thinking & can't help but do a lot of it but of late I get far too deep & over-analytical that it gets uncomfortable.

I've always known that I'm a sensitive person but always suspected I might be highly sensitive which I've recently started reading a book about it & quite a bit of what it says rings a bell. The book says that sensitive & particularly highly sensitive people are prone to depression & this terrifies me that I could be vulnerable to other more serious mental illness. Could I become mad?

I'm 19 years old now & incredibly worried about my future, I'm unable to make a decision about jobs & career paths. I'm scared of not being able to cope with life & all it throws at me. I've always been pretty bad with change.

I feel far too introverted when I'm alone but when I'm with people I feel better (I used to love being alone), I think this is because on my own the depression can speak to me better.

There's nothing wrong with being critical but when I criticize negatively, even if the critique is justified, it still feels stifling. I try to surround myself with things I love but sometimes all I get is a neutral, indifferent feeling which worries me. Also this just intensifies the worry of not being able to cope with bad things in life.

However sometimes I get moments of clarity & normality where everything falls into place & I can see my past, present & future in a truthful, positive light.

As I said at the start, I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at with writing this. Perhaps it's just to share & clarify things in my own mind & to see if people can relate? My mum wants me to see the doctor & get some professional help (she knows all about my experience with depression & is very understanding), it's just that the thought of doctors ect scares me. I would feel embarrassed. And what if it's hopeless & I'm a strange case & beyond help?

Will I ever get over this for good? Does anybody? It's just if not I really can't imagine any sort of decent life.

If you've read all of this then thankyou! You must be a very patient person & I appreciate it a lot.

Thanks again

Lucia x

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi there Lucia

    Firstly, your mum is right - you should go and see your GP. Take what he/she offers and try not to think too far into the future.

    It could just be that you have been one of the unlucky teenagers in that your body has reacted badly to all the hormonal changes that take place at your age. If this is the cause of it then things should start to settle dwn by the time you have reached 21. Also, your doctor can help you through these tough years with the help of therapy or AD's or both.

    Don;t be ashamed or embarrassed about telling your GP, there are more people who suffer depression than you would ever imagine.

    I have suffered depression on and off since my teens. I am 45 now but please don't let that sacre you into thinking you will always have this illness. I have an excellent career - so depression doesn't mean you have no future.

    Take the first step and go speak with your doctor. Take your mum along with you if that will help.

    Let us know how it goes and please do keep posting of your fear/feelings here.

    Good luck & stay strong

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    Hi Melbi & thanks for replying smile

    I really hope you are right about the hormones & things settling down at 21, it means I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Although if I were to be asked 'Do you think anything in your past could have conributed to the depression?' I would have to say yes.

    I do feel a bit of a fraud though as I have never had anything 'terrible' happen such as a death in or out of the family, rape, abuse or a bad home life. In fact quite the opposite. However like I said before I don't do well with change & my high sensitivity leads me to react to even small change quite strongly. My secondary school was a big place & when I started I was on my own. I was never bullied as such but I was ignored by my whole class, treated as if I didn't exist which caused me to ask what was wrong with me? This impacted so much that when I moved to another class where I had one or two friends I became very quiet & shy & only really 'came out of my shell' during the last 2 years of school.

    I don't think this would have affected me very much if it hadn't keep happening elsewhere for example: brownies (where it first happened & by chance the girls who ignored me there were the same who would in my first class at school), stage school & my dance class.

    Since then I've had real social issues, always worrying to myself if people like me or not & when I get the feeling they don't I go back to feeling ignored & cast off just as I was at school.

    If it happened so much with many different people surely there must be something wrong with me?

    Could this attribute to my depression?

    Sorry for going on again! I didn't plan to write that much, it just came out.

    Could I ask if it's possible for depression to ever go away for good? Perhaps without pills & just with therapy?

    Thanks again for replying, it's nice to get things out. smile

    Lucia x

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  • Posted

    Hi again Lucia

    Of course it is possible to be rid of depression for good without drugs. Many people recover successfully with the right sort of therapy.

    I think perhaps CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) might be of help to you. It helps to change the negative thoughts into positive ones.

    Remember if people choose to ignore you, it is them who have the problem, not you!

    You will also become less sensitive as you get older. Life's experiences over time teach us how to cope better. Try and put all your 'bad' memories into good use by learning from them.

    You feel you wasn't socially accepted in several different settings - this will have made you into a stronger person, one that will cope in difficult events alone and not feel the need to have someone to lean on. Now, how many people can say they can go it alone all the time?

    You will be a great asset to some company or business (depending on what you want to do for a career) as you will be a strong person.

    Have you seen the advert (for Orange I think it is) about the people around you are what made us what we are today. I'm a true believer in that!

    Stand tall Lucia, shoulders back and be proud of what a mature and responsible adult you have turned into.

    Do also please remember that even at your age the hormones will be all over the place and on top of that you are taking the huge step from adolescence into adulthood. Not the easiest of steps as you try and find your place in 'adult society'.

    Don't be too hard on yourself Lucia, enjoy what is left of your younger years and take all the support your family has to offer.

    Keep posting here :D

    Melbi xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Lucia.

    I feel alot like you too. I also hold the very same fears. Am I going mad? What if I've got a serious mental defect? What if this never ever goes away? I've not experienced depression to this extent before and I too hope that it does go away and that I haven't got a serious defect and that the treatment will help. I am receiving cognitive behavioural therapy which really helps to get my thoughts into shape and to understand how your thinking can affect my mood. I rate it so far, but it takes time and a little bit of work. I've also been on Fluoxetine for 2 months and am just hanging in there :-) I wish you luck in seeing your GP, they really do have a lot of experience with depression so let them help you.

    Best wishes

    Jemima

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  • Posted

    [quote:dffa23ce0c=\"Jemima\"]Hi Lucia.

    I feel alot like you too. I also hold the very same fears. Am I going mad? What if I've got a serious mental defect? What if this never ever goes away? I've not experienced depression to this extent before and I too hope that it does go away and that I haven't got a serious defect and that the treatment will help. I am receiving cognitive behavioural therapy which really helps to get my thoughts into shape and to understand how your thinking can affect my mood. I rate it so far, but it takes time and a little bit of work. I've also been on Fluoxetine for 2 months and am just hanging in there :-) I wish you luck in seeing your GP, they really do have a lot of experience with depression so let them help you.

    Best wishes

    Jemima[/quote:dffa23ce0c]

    Sorry, it's meant to say \".....and to understand how my thinking can affect my mood\" since I can't read what you're thinking!!!

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  • Posted

    Hey Melbi,

    Thanks for that, you've given me a bit of hope for recovery which is always nice. smile

    I'll look in to the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy it might be just what I'm needing. I do do a lot of questioning of everything by my own nature & when you're going through (or have been going through) depression, the thoughts can get rather jumbled up & clouded which physically feels like a tightening sensation in the head, especially at the back. So help in thinking might be a good idea. Although I have to say I've always had a bit of a knack for psychology & have been trying for a long time to council myself as I start thinking 'What can the professionals tell me that I haven't already read about or discovered myself?' But perhaps I should give it a go & admit defeat. Even the professionals need help sometimes right?

    [quote:7e8d7acec6]Do also please remember that even at your age the hormones will be all over the place and on top of that you are taking the huge step from adolescence into adulthood. Not the easiest of steps as you try and find your place in 'adult society'. [/quote:7e8d7acec6]

    I think you might be right there too. I am afraid of growing up & as quite a 'delicate' person but yet quite an opinionated person I find the adult world frightening & yet rousing, again causing conflicts in my head.

    I want to lead a peaceful, quiet life as well as helping right wrongs & following adventurous dreams but yet am scared I won't be able to cope with them & I might fall harder into a depression than I have now (a thought which terrifies me!).

    Thank you again! smile

    By the way, how do you tell which is a normal sadness & which is a depression?

    Take care & big hugs!

    Lucia xx

    Hey Jemima,

    It's scary isn't it? When you read about people who have these really terrible mental illnesses & you just feel so sorry for them but yet not scared it would happen to you (that thought never crossed my mind a few years ago!). But now if I read about them or see something on TV I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, will that happen to me? I feel so vulnerable to the world.

    When our house was broken in to (not literally, they were actually quite tidy burglars!) in December 2006 it suddenly hit me; one day I'm going to die, even worse, my parents will die, my cat, best friend, everyone I love, [i:7e8d7acec6]everything[/i:7e8d7acec6] I love could go. [i:7e8d7acec6]Anything[/i:7e8d7acec6] could happen to me, to anyone. That was a terrifying thought & that was probably the day I unoffically became an adult & it was also just before I retreated into a safe haven of childlike innocence.

    Anyway I digress, my point is (I think..) that feelings matter more than thoughts. My feelings tell me to panic & stress, I'm doomed & I can't cope. My reason tells me the opposite, what's the point in panicking? You only cause more distress that way, just be calm & philosophical & you can get through practically anything.

    Trouble is reconciling the two. Feelings need to catch up with thoughts & it's damn tricky!

    Do the antidepressants work for you? No side effects? I'm rather nervous about them.

    All the best & big hugs!

    Lucia xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Lucia

    The panic and fear that you are describing sounds like you are experiencing anxiety attacks.

    Do please make an appointment to see your GP ASAP. He really can help you get all this under control.

    Another poster on another forum has just reminded me of a brilliant site that can help you to relax.

    Jemima, keep posting here, it really does help. also, if you are both registered members here you can send each other private messages (pm)

    Having someone else to share what you are going through right now can also help tremendously.

    Her is the site I mentioned (My Inner World) (Click Here)

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    [color=indigo:d552d99c7e]Hi Lucia

    You made me think of something with your burglary story and realisation we are not immortal........and can see how your thoughts would then be terrifying. My job requires me to treat really sick people, who sometimes then die. I've now realised that this has ground me down. I used to cry at first. Then I used to just accept it. However, it's made me think about the fact we all die. I hate the idea of anyone close to me dying. Maybe that too has contributed to my depression.

    Depression seems to come from nowhere, but when you look at thinks it's little things like that which add to the anxiety. I worry constantly about sleeping too much, not doing my housework, not socialising, not being good enough at work, the list goes on. This has led to me pondering over whether it's worth all this misery and what's the point in going on.

    I'm on a real good day today, which makes me think I'm better and back to normal so I can stop the ADs and counselling right - NOPE. It's tempting, but don't stop whatever you do. If you feel like stopping see your GP first. However, I know I'm not better yet.....because tomorrow could be another story. I suffer mood swings. Is that the same for you?

    I’m so scared I won’t get better, but I’m trying everything.....I’ve told work last Thurs it all came tumbling out because I’ve been taking annual leave for counselling and I just couldn’t keep it in anymore.

    I’m having counselling with CBT, I haven’t told her yet my deepest, darkest thoughts, which I need to do so she knows and can help me. I’ve told my GP my deepest darkest thoughts.

    I was naughty and did what people typically do, after a few weeks I decided to stop ADs because I hated the idea I need medication to get through and I didn’t think they were working, after a week I hit rock bottom again. That’s when I told my GP I didn’t want to go on and that I didn’t think the pills were working. He reassured me and convinced me to continue, I’m on Fluoxetine.

    I see my CPN Tues who will be able to advise me regarding increasing the dose from 20 mg to 40 mg/day. I have been very lucky on 20 mg to have few side effects. At first I felt a bit spaced, but I reckon that could have been psychological?! I yawn lots too, like proper yawning. Other than that they’re fine. Oh I have to confess though I’m a bit of a drinker (I’ve gone without for 5 days now, trying to stop) and I drank on top of the ADs I was seriously depressed and drunk and texting – you know what I mean? I don’t normally do that. I ended up writing to the Samaritans, Maytree and being very, very pessimistic. I could easily take an overdose in that state. A friend told me that alcohol is really a NO-NO with ADs. So....hence I’m trying to stop the urge to drink my troubles away – which I like doing by the way, until the next day where I feel miserable and disappointed (oh and hungover and tired) - and probably negate the good bits of the ADs. I wasn’t really giving myself the best chance of recovery by drinking. Tho I still want to.

    The other thing alcohol did would make me bolt upright awake at about 3 or 4 am and I would have to get up and do something. Then I’d feel crap all day at work. Sorry to ramble so much and well done if you got this far LOL.

    I’d be interested to hear how you get on with the meds and I believe in the CBT because if you have slightly paranoid thoughts like “Lisa didn’t email me today, she probably doesn’t want to know me anymore...” and “My colleagues think I’m crap” then the CBT helps you rationalise. You probably know that already. What I will say is that it doesn’t cure the depression outright, but is an important step on the road to recovery.

    Oh, I think I may have auditory hallucinations when I dream at night – like I heard my cat proper miaowing, but when I woke up she was fast asleep and there was an instance of hearing shouting, but I just fell asleep again

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  • Posted

    Hey Jemima,

    I do suffer mood swings but they're very subtle, it could happen while I'm watching TV or drawing & suddenly I'll be reminded of a semi-subconciance thought/feeling. As I've said, I'm a very introverted person & I tend to think very deeply about everything & I mean [i:3f68c48a71]everything[/i:3f68c48a71]. Philosophical thoughts, scientific thoughts, mundane everyday thoughts, thoughts about the past/present/future, political thoughts. Basically you name it I think about it. Now some would probably say this is a good thing, \"you can get thought life easily because you have an open, enquiring mind & you won't get bored because you're interested in a hell of a lot!\" And that would be true if I didn't feel like I have a simple mind full of complicated thoughts. And they are really complicated & if I let them they could occupy me for hours. But I won't let them because otherwise I'll never get anything done. You see trouble is I don't really want to be a 'thinker', not completely anyway, because this involves a hell of a lot of questioning & right now I really can't be doing with me mentally turning the world upside down giving it a good shake to see what comes out.

    Society also doesn't support the sensitive person who actually couldn't give a rats arse for money & capitalism. The person who 'thinks'.

    And given the choice I don't think I'd want to be this person.....but I am & I doubt there's anything I can do about it.

    I'm afraid I'm going to be doomed to a life of tragedy because I can't deal face to face with the harshness of people. Even if I can acknowledge it.

    I'm sorry if I sound pretentious or strange but it's just that I've been (surprise surprise) thinking about it today. Again trying to work out what's causing me to feel the way I do & to try & see a way out of it.

    I'm doubting that there's anything anyone can do to help me.

    What do you think?

    Right. I want to write more, particulary about your post jemima but I'm being ordered to bed & I want a quick late night bath before so...I'll finish this comment tomorrow.

    I will say this though. Please, please DO NOT drink when your feeling down, especially with your AD's!!! I know it's tempting but please don't.

    If you feel like a drink just come on here & write how you feel & I'll write back as soon as I see it as I'm sure will others.

    Please take care,

    Love n hugs

    Lucia xxxx

    P.S Sorry for the spelling mistakes, I'm in a hurry. Must go!

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  • Posted

    Hey Lucia,

    Wow,, reading your post,, it's so much like you're describing me, its freaky!

    I have experienced pretty much everything you're going through, and I hope some of the following ramblings may be of some help to you:

    I've struggled with depression (and, more recently panic attacks) since my teens - it first started to get really bad around 19/20, I had been feeling low for a long time before, but I think events around that time did help to worsen the situation. Unfortunately, unlike you, I didnt try and seek help -- I kept things bottled up and hidden from people, while in the meantime, developed a serious alcohol dependance. I guess as a way to try and \"self-medicate\" myself - to try and stop myself over-thinking and over-analysing every little thing, and to block out the big black cloud that had settled itself over me. I went on like this, going fairly chaotically through life, up until last Jan (I'm 27 now). It was last Jan, when I finally realised that I had to do something to get a hold of things, and try to piece myself back together. I went through alcohol detox, and started therapy with an excellent psychiatrist. Some of this therapy was CBT, which really has helped, especially with my panic attacks. I am also taking Mirtazapine, which works for me for the panic, and also for the depression somewhat.

    I am now slowly getting my life back on track - I play in a band, and have also recently started teaching piano again - which I havent done for nearly 10years. I think a creative outlet is one of the best things you can have, whether it be music, drawing, whatever. It affords you such a great opportunity to take the horrible, heavy negative energy we get from depression, and turn it into something beautiful. While it may be a cliché that it takes great pain to create great art, I personally dont think that it's necessarily that its the pain directly thats responsible. I may be totally wrong, but I believe that it is down to the fact that many of the great artists/musicians are incredibly sensitive, thoughtful souls, and this sensitivity unfortunately leaves them open not only to great inspiration but also to the negative feelings and pain that this illness can cause. That's not meant to sound pompous, and I'm in no way suggesting that non-artistic people dont suffer just as much with depression, its just something that I have thought about before.

    Like yourself, I tend to over-think, over-analyse, and generally obsess upon things -- people genuinely are always telling me to \"stop bloody well thinking about stuff so much!\" Dont look on it as a character fault, its exactly the opposite --- its a beautiful thing to have a thirst for understanding of this crazy thing we call life - it's how we evolve. It is both a blessing and a curse though, as the little things do get to us a lot more than most, and what seems inconsequential to one person could seem like the end of the world to someone else!

    Like others have said,,, a visit to your GP would be a very good idea --- and there is absolutely no need to feel embarrased in any way -- depression is an illness, nothing more, nothing less, and you will find the right solution to help you through this time. And no-one will think you're \"insane\" or \"going mad\". I think that people who skydive are a bit mad (\"What, you want me to chuck myself OUT of this perfectly good plane?!\"wink but tons of people do it. Some narrow-minded people out there may think people with depression are mad, but tons of people have it.

    Like yourself, I'm not a huge fan of the big capitalist machine (and living in London, there's evidence of it everywhere!) I did work in a well-paid job, but one that really didn't interest or inspire me - I did it, because \"that's what you do\". Well, since I left that job, to concentrate on getting myself better, and try to collect my thoughts, and begin to move forwards, I've

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