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I'm not entirely sure of what I'm gonna try to say here so forgive me if I become incoherent.
I fell into depression near the end of September 2006, a week or two after I had decided to leave my college art course. It was unlike anything I had ever felt. I was incredibly miserable, crying non-stop, hopeless & at a few points quite suicidal (although just to note that I would never carry those feelings through). The depression lasted till around Christmas time where steadily I began to feel better, more hopeful. I began drawing again & discovering old pastimes & pleasures; these mainly revolved around my childhood & times of innocence. I took up reading books again, in fact I read voraciously & to this day cannot be without a book. I discovered philosophy & became at once fascinated & passionate about it. I shut myself away & immersed myself in this wonderful world I'd created full of innocence & enjoyment. I'm afraid I'm not patient enough (or a good enough writer) to relate all of this period but I remember it as a happy & peaceful time.
Unfortunately it didn't last & I'd say around June/July time 2007 I began feeling down again. Needless to say I was devestated as I'd thought with the power of my philosophical, quite analytical mind I'd gotten rid of it....for good. Anyway it's been rather on & off for the past year but for the last 5/6 months I've been experiencing a type of depression that's unfamilier. I don't cry as much as I used to & I wouldn't say it's like a 'blackness' like the first time but more extreamely confused thoughts, like a conflict in my head & of course the inevitable down feeling which actually does abate now & again, although I'm not sure if it does it on it's own or I'm controlling it (I would rather the former as I wouldn't like to think of it as part of my personality). My thoughts get stuck which is a really weird feeling. I used to love thinking & can't help but do a lot of it but of late I get far too deep & over-analytical that it gets uncomfortable.
I've always known that I'm a sensitive person but always suspected I might be highly sensitive which I've recently started reading a book about it & quite a bit of what it says rings a bell. The book says that sensitive & particularly highly sensitive people are prone to depression & this terrifies me that I could be vulnerable to other more serious mental illness. Could I become mad?
I'm 19 years old now & incredibly worried about my future, I'm unable to make a decision about jobs & career paths. I'm scared of not being able to cope with life & all it throws at me. I've always been pretty bad with change.
I feel far too introverted when I'm alone but when I'm with people I feel better (I used to love being alone), I think this is because on my own the depression can speak to me better.
There's nothing wrong with being critical but when I criticize negatively, even if the critique is justified, it still feels stifling. I try to surround myself with things I love but sometimes all I get is a neutral, indifferent feeling which worries me. Also this just intensifies the worry of not being able to cope with bad things in life.
However sometimes I get moments of clarity & normality where everything falls into place & I can see my past, present & future in a truthful, positive light.
As I said at the start, I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at with writing this. Perhaps it's just to share & clarify things in my own mind & to see if people can relate? My mum wants me to see the doctor & get some professional help (she knows all about my experience with depression & is very understanding), it's just that the thought of doctors ect scares me. I would feel embarrassed. And what if it's hopeless & I'm a strange case & beyond help?
Will I ever get over this for good? Does anybody? It's just if not I really can't imagine any sort of decent life.
If you've read all of this then thankyou! You must be a very patient person & I appreciate it a lot.
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