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So I did my usual. Had intentions of sorting myself out & staying sober but just drinking when out socialising. It lasted 3 weeks & I fell into my old patterns again & stopped posting on here. I went out after 3 weeks of no having no alcohol at home with my friends & the next weekend after that I was back secret drinking & not caring that I was doing it. The same pattern keeps occurring but the only good thing is I didn't let the drinking seep into the week days until the Thursday before last I had a night out with my friends. I hadn't been out with theses girls in 3 months & it was a big night out. I booked the next day off work - so as you can already see I planned to party!! This particular set of friends like to drink. I perform with them in a dance troupe so a lot of our time out socially is at events where there is booze but also they like to booze a lot. Every time we meet up there is bound to be a lot of booze involved. Anyhow to cut a long story short I got pretty hammered! I ended up bringing one of the girls to my home afterwards as she lives far away from the city. My son was not at home but my husband was & was very upset the next day as we woke him up at 3.30am.
The following day my husband was so angry with me. I felt awful & ashamed like a little kid who had been naughty. I apologised but he had heard it all before & wasn't having it. He then broke down sobbing. I was shocked as usually he just shows he is angry. He told me he felt so alone with me & my drinking & didn't know what to do. He had wanted to tell my parents & his in the past but I didn't want him to. We hugged & cried together for awhile & I could hear that voice in my head saying how are you going to secret drink later after this. Yes that drinking voice as bad as everything was , was still there. I did drink later in secret & he didn't know & I did it for the next 2 nights unknown to him. On Tuesday I decided right this has got to be stop & I haven't drank since. Something happened with my husband we had become more open with each other & this helped me to look at myself & how our relationship can get stronger again with no secrets. It has been a continuous strain on our relationship as he has not been able to forgive me since first discovering my drinking issues.
So what will change this time? I don't know for sure but I have got to take this one day at a time. I am taking a more holistic approach this time & want to start meditating & self care. We are off to Poland tomorrow to my husbands family for 10 days so I wasnt to use this time to read about self help - I have started Allen Carr's book, look into myself more & why I do this?
The question I want to put to you - if you can offer some advice is...... Do I quit & tell everyone? Or at social events limit myself to 2/3 drinks so I can look " normal " I don't then have to explain myself to anyone. I would say to my drinking friends I have cut back & I won't be partaking in any crazy sessions. At the start of the week I thought yes I need to just quit - that is it- quit! Now I think will I regret that - can I handle a couple at a wedding or similar social gathering?
My drinking habits have been secret drinking at home. Hiding a bottle & drinking from it at the weekends mostly for many years. When I go out I drink beforehand & get drunk but I am quite a controlled drunk if that makes sense. I use the drinking at home to relax me & feel awwww good. That one is the biggest concern as its secret so that has got to be gone. I discussed openly with my husband that I don't know whether to quit or moderate. I was honest & said I don't know whether that is the drinker in me telling me to moderate or its me thinking I can do it. We have a wedding coming up & I said I can try to have 2/3 drinks at the wedding & stop to at least try it rather than not try it.
Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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