Quit or moderate..... that is the question?????????????????

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So I did my usual. Had intentions of sorting myself out & staying sober but just drinking when out socialising. It lasted 3 weeks & I fell into my old patterns again & stopped posting on here. I went out after 3 weeks of no having no alcohol at home with my friends & the next weekend after that I was back secret drinking & not caring that I was doing it. The same pattern keeps occurring but the only good thing is I didn't let the drinking seep into the week days until the Thursday before last I had a night out with my friends. I hadn't been out with theses girls in 3 months & it was a big night out. I booked the next day off work - so as you can already see I planned to party!! This particular set of friends like to drink. I perform with them in a dance troupe so a lot of our time out socially is at events where there is booze but also they like to booze a lot. Every time we meet up there is bound to be a lot of booze involved. Anyhow to cut a long story short I got pretty hammered! I ended up bringing one of the girls to my home afterwards as she lives far away from the city. My son was not at home but my husband was & was very upset the next day as we woke him up at 3.30am. 

The following day my husband was so angry with me. I felt awful & ashamed like a little kid who had been naughty. I apologised but he had heard it all before & wasn't having it. He then broke down sobbing. I was shocked as usually he just shows he is angry. He told me he felt so alone with me & my drinking & didn't know what to do. He had wanted to tell my parents & his in the past but I didn't want him to. We hugged & cried together for awhile & I could hear that voice in my head saying how are you going to secret drink later after this. Yes that drinking voice as bad as everything was , was still there. I did drink later in secret & he didn't know & I did it for the next 2 nights unknown to him. On Tuesday I decided right this has got to be stop & I haven't drank since. Something happened with my husband we had become more open with each other & this helped me to look at myself & how our relationship can get stronger again with no secrets. It has been a continuous strain on our relationship as he has not been able to forgive me since first discovering my drinking issues. 

So what will change this time? I don't know for sure but I have got to take this one day at a time. I am taking a more holistic approach this time & want to start meditating & self care. We are off to Poland tomorrow to my husbands family for 10 days so I wasnt to use this time to read about self help - I have started Allen Carr's book, look into myself more & why I do this? 

The question I want to put to you - if you can offer some advice is...... Do I quit & tell everyone? Or at social events limit myself to 2/3 drinks so I can look " normal " I don't then have to explain myself to anyone. I would say to my drinking friends I have cut back & I won't be partaking in any crazy sessions. At the start of the week I thought yes I need to just quit - that is it- quit! Now I think will I regret that - can I handle a couple at a wedding or similar social gathering? 

My drinking habits have been secret drinking at home. Hiding a bottle & drinking from it at the weekends mostly for many years. When I go out I drink beforehand & get drunk but I am quite a controlled drunk if that makes sense. I use the drinking at home to relax me & feel awwww good. That one is the biggest concern as its secret so that has got to be gone. I discussed openly with my husband that I don't know whether to quit or moderate. I was honest & said I don't know whether that is the drinker in me telling me to moderate or its me thinking I can do it. We have a wedding coming up & I said I can try to have 2/3 drinks at the wedding & stop to at least try it rather than not try it.

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Sadie xxx

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  • Posted

    My first thought is that your drinking probably isn't as secret as you think it is. From my own experience I've realised that the alcoholic is the last person to realise that he has a problem.

    ?So I don't think you need to make any big announcements to anyone. Your life is your own and I think you'd be better focussed on your drinking than what you think you have to say to people.

    ?If your husband is openly weeping in your arms and you are thinking "Hmmm......drinkies soon" then I'd say you ought to consider quitting altogether. There's an old Chinese proverb "First you have a drink. Then the drink has a drink. Then the drink has you" and it sounds like the drink very much has you at the moment!

    ?There are many ways to quit and you'll have to decide what is best for you. In social settings, at least in the short term, just say you are on antibiotics if/when people ask why you aren't drinking. No need to make a big thing of it.

    ?The fact you're posting on here indicates you know what you have to do. I'm sure you'll get where you want to be.

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    • Posted

      Thanks for the reply Alex. I am I suppose afraid of putting a life long label on myself if I openly said to people I have a drink problem. My friends will ask questions if I tell them I don't drink anymore & it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable at the thoughts of feeling paranoid then around them. I have agreed with my husband that I will moderately drink & if I struggle with that or he thinks I'm having more than I should he will tell me straight away. So no more drinking secret it's all in the open. At the moment the only social event I have coming up is my friend's wedding & this is where I will put this into practice. 

      It's our first night here in Poland & usually we would have some nights where would enjoy a few whiskeys with my husband's parents & I of course would be looking forward to this & after each drink hoping another would be poured into my glass. My husband told me he told his Mother that we aren't really drinking these days. Tonight no whiskey was produced & I thought if the bottle came out I would feel uncomfortable taking a glass even though I agreed with my husband I can have 3/4 drinks max. The fact it even has to be on my mind is annoying. Don't get me wrong I'm not desperately craving a drink just at a new place now where getting drunk is gone & I have to start a new relationship with alcohol. 

      I'm afraid if I don't at least try to moderate & just up for it & quit that one day I'll just pick up the bottle thinking I can handle it & end up back in a vicious cycle. 

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  • Posted

    I've done Carr's method, no use. I've done everything prior, no use....TSM is the only one that works. I've only been on it 20 days and have slipped up 2 times; even then not as bad as prior but each time it was due to lack of eating. My one advice...try TSM and remember to EAT!!!! Force yourself if need be.

    No need to proclaim to the world anything private, just admit to yourself you have a problematic habit and that with help from the TSM you CAN over come. My goal is 1 year...so I KNOW I'll mess up every now and then but will not quit until I've done this program for at least 1 year.

    As stated to me by another poster, do take out or whatever you like to eat but EAT!

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    • Posted

      Hi Judge CD,

      Thank you for your reply. I was hoping Carr would work so that is that bubble burst. Unfortunatly as I live in Ireland TSM is not available here. I went to my GP last year about this & was informed it is not an option here which really was a kick as I really wanted to try it then but had to accept I can't get the meds. 

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  • Posted

    I remember you from last year. Honestly? Stop like me and explain to friends and family that you do not need it! Like you, I am quite outgoing, cheerful and funny! 5 years for me sober and proud of it and the Xmas party in elegant winebar was great last December! One of the guys slapped the bottom of a very nice girl! She got upset, went to the toilet with our lady boss. Came out later still upset....I did not drink but drove her and others home in my old 7 seater car...see if you can stop since your husband is at breaking point like my wife was!! I was nearly thrown out and then missing out on my 13 month old twins...you can think of your family as your are stopping and sober every day...regards Robin
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  • Posted

    If you can quit or moderate successfully, you can choose the best route that's the best fit for you. If you're not successful at either, Judge has some good advice for you (and I used the same method).  

    If you choose to moderate, just concentrate on having a few and if you overshoot, commit to do better next time. It can take some time to get the hang of it. Keep the drinking pace slow as drinking quickly will overpower the part of the brain that you use to moderate in the first place. 

    If you decide to quit and find that you relapse again and again, either shoot for moderation or use something like The Sinclair Method to help you keep a lid on the situation. Having an escalating series of relapses is counterproductive and can lead to blackout drinking. Look up Alcohol Deprivation Effect for more info. 

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  • Posted

    Likewise I tried everything. AA, counseling and the love of my wife and found that I still kept going back to excess. My wife never even asked me to quit. Just to be moderate and i could not. TSM changed that. Believe me there were some slips and falls. The biggest was not being compliant and following the rules. Once I really did and committed I cut down from 20+ shots of vodka a day to going sometimes multiple weeks without a drink. I know people probably read me on here just constantly repeating myself but it's true. When I committed to TSM it saved my life, marriage and job. I was so close to losing it all. Don't wait to long and think things can't change. I still have a drink and sometimes a few drinks but I don't black out anymore wondering dear God what happened last night. I no longer have withdrawals so bad that I would sneak whole pints of vodka to work to just get through the day. Have hope and keep trying. It's when we give up that nothing will change.

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  • Posted

    At the risk of being boring and repetitive ?with my posts, I would like to try moderate social drinking after over eleven plus years of abstinence. Most of the advice I have had here is don't! But some people have managed. I'm possibly too afraid to try, but it's tempting to find out. I stopped without any help or withdrawal symptoms. Sorry to go on about this if you've read it all before, but ..... 

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    • Posted

      If you want a drink then have one. It's no big deal.

      ?But before doing so you might want to ask yourself why you are asking for 'advice' (more like permission!) from a group of people who aren't very favourable towards ethanol in the first place. You must know deep down that it's probably not a good idea.

      ?Then again, life isn't a dress rehearsal and it's the things we don't do that we regret the most etc etc so why not?

      ?The only thing to remember that having a drink will probably take you back eventually to where you were eleven years ago when you decided to quit. If you don't want to go back there then don't drink.

      ?I don't want to come across as a recent evangelist, as I'm not sure this is for everybody, but you could always jump on the TSM train and start taking the tablets before returning to drinking. This might allow you to enjoy a drink without losing control.

      Best of luck with whatever you decide. 

       

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    • Posted

      You know, ?I think you're right about asking for 'permission' to try a drink or two! Even though most of the people on this site probably live thousands of miles away and I'll never meet any of them! I think the best thing to do is to have a chat with my Doctor, who is young, approachable and very competent. Cheers, lol. 

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    • Posted

      Thanks. I'll mention that. Just something to maybe take away the urge to keep on drinking like the bad old days. If indeed I do start again. I see him after Easter for my 6 monthly check. (I've had some health issues but I seem to be doing ok now.) Thanks again. 

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