Really need some help and advice about my daughters behaviour.

I am a mum of 4. I have a 9 year old son, a 7 year old daughter, a 5 year old daughter and a 3 year old son.

Me and my husband are having major struggles with our 5 year old daughter.

Since an early age she has been prone to tantrums, bad ones. But at 5 years old she is still behaving in the same way as a 2 year old. She does nothing we ask her to (or very rarely), she is a nightmare at bedtimes and will tantrum over everything possible.

She shares a room with her sister and bedtimes are horrendous. 9 out of 10 bedtimes stress me and my husband out that much that we are either reduced to tears or completely lose it with her. (verbally as neither of us smack the children as this is something we feel strongly about).

She also doesn't speak to any adults other than me and my husband. She talks with her siblings and other children fine.

She has just gone into her second year of school and I have already been into school to speak to her teacher about the problems we have with her at home to try to ensure she is totally aware of what we are going through.

In her first year in school she did fine academically but without her speaking (the occasional time she would do some reading or answer a question, but on the whole she wouldn't speak) the teachers found it hard to be able to assess her. This was the same problem they had when it came to assessments in playgroup.

Toileting is also a problem we have had with her. She wasn't out of nappies fully in the day until she was 4 as she would prefer to sit in a wet or soiled nappy than go to the toilet. She uses the toilet now, however she won't ask to go to the toilet in school and if isn't taken then accidents still happen. At night time she wears a nappy to bed as she is still wet at night and when she gets up the majority of the time she will just stay in her wet nappy.

In the evening we have to literally sit her on the toilet to do a poo as that is when she seems to go, but without us doing this chances are she would wait till she had a nappy on and would go in that.

Every morning we are late for school as she will not just get dressed and will just sit messing around whilst the others get on and get ready. She won't tell you what she wants half the time and prefers to play guessing games with you while she makes stupid noises and you have to work out what it is she wants. Let me just stress, her speech is perfect and she was an early talker.

If we don't guess what it is she  wants then she will scream and kick and tantrum just like a toddler would.

She is also very particular on the way things are done, like the way she says goodnight to me. It has to be a kiss, followed by one cheek to my cheek then the other, then a hug then some sort of fist pump thing she has created. If this isn't done in the right way a tantrum then follows.

Once ready for bed most nights she keeps coming down the stairs making up excuses as to why she can't go to bed. Most of the time saying she wants a drink. This usually means a tantrum as she will complain that there isn't the right amount of water in the cup.

She is very disruptive in the house and this means her sister is left upset most nights.

When we ask her to do anything she will just talk at us as, usually about something random as though we are not even speaking to her. You cannot make her listen.

I am always being given "advice" by other parents. The usual "just keep taking her up the stairs", or "let her stay downstairs until she falls asleep". Neither of things are helpful things to hear as the first doesn't work and the second is allowing her to rule the roost.

I have done 2 parenting courses, but the rewarding positive behaviour, ignoring the negative, reward charts etc don't work with her. If she doesn't want to do something she just won't. Quite often she will cut her nose off to spite her face and miss out on treats through her own choice.

The other two children have so many late marks due to her making us late in the mornings, she didn't get that many as last year her register was taken later than the others so she seemed on time when looking at the register.

The school haven't been much help as all they seemed focused on was the bed wetting and made us a hospital appointment for that. The bedwetting is not something we are that concerned about as she is only 5.

She is a very bright child and can read, write and draw absolutely fine. We have no issues with her academic levels.

When her little brother was born she was absolutely fine with him, we were worried that she would feel pushed out. But as he got older we started to think that she feels jealous of him. My counsellor has suggested that maybe she is still stuck at the same age that she was when her brother was born.

I don't know what to do as the fact that she doesn't have these tantrums at school shows to me that she has some control over them. Though at home she seems to completely lose it as though she doesn't.

Before her brother was born she was very much my baby as baby no.4 wasn't planned (Neither was she to be honest :-/) and although she was very strong willed and would tantrum badly, her behaviour wasn't causing us concern.

We are at the end of our tether and I am desperately seeking some support from anyone who has been through a similar situation, or has any knowledge on this.

Thanks.

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