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Im 16 and ive been recovering from anorexia for about 11 months now but i still feel depressed and i hate my body which makes me more depressed, i feel like im really fat aswell now im not 6 stone, i don't know what to do anymore i feel like I'll be happier if i lose weight again i feel like giving up the recovery and going back to 6 stone i dont know what to do anymore x
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The voice never goes away and at the moment i am stuck like you i am happy with my wieght (kind of) but then i realse i have to keep going as i sill dont have periods so im not healthy.
Do you have people supporting you?
It always angers me when people call it that, or describe it as a diet got out of hand.
What you are dealing with is a serious illness. It shouldn't be taken lightly, and therefore recovery shouldn't be laughed off either. Someone who breaks their leg has to go through careful rehabilitation in order to learn to walk properly again.
I often expect recovery to be a linear passage. E.g. once I have got over hospital / course of therapy, it can only be progress. This is not true.
You will have bumps in the road, days you feel like giving up and days when people around you talk constantly about the fact that cutting carbs was the best thing that ever happened to them (and you want to scream at them, that the only reason they have lost weight is because it's water...)
During these points you have to persevere, and stick to the meal plan. You have to focus on every inch of therapy that has got you to that more resilient place, where the eating disorder wasn't in control...you have to remember why you chose to recover in the first place, and how miserable you were, how life wasn't worth living when your weight was that low, how you had no ambition, no friends, no social life, no life.
The voice will get quieter and quieter. I often describe it as an abusive partner. Ending my relationship with my eating disorder was ending an abusive relationship. They do keep coming back every so often, because when they have been the dominant partner for so long, it's hard for the roles to switch. But gradually they will adjust and go away. And you will get better at managing. You will learn to enjoy life, and as I have found this summer, be able to walk outside without being cold and spend a lot of time outside.
I always advise having goals, small goals, medium goals etc. not just around food but also social ones. These keep you motivated especially when things get tough. They remind you that you are living for life.
Don't let the eating disorder control you...
Don't worry, you didn't offend me. I just find it a strange thing to say to someone with a serious illness. I wouldn't tell someone complaining about the pain they are experiencing from a leg break as silly behaviour so definitely don't consider challenges associated with mental health any differently.
You don't choose to have this illness and it's a horrible illness to have, and extremely misunderstood.
What you can choose is to fight it and persevere in recovery.
Recovery is hard because your illness tries to reign you back in when you are still weak. Keep fighting it and remember you are awesome
I rather like this definition of recovery from an Australian mental health organisation, as it indicates that recovery can be an absence of a condition as well as living with it.
"Recovery is happening when people can live well in the presence or absence of mental health problems and the many losses that come in their wake, such as isolation, poverty, unemployment and discrimination. Recovery does not always mean that people will return to full health or retrieve all their losses, but it does mean that people can live well in spite of them” (SAMH, 2007).
When you have suffered with an illness for a long time, it takes a while to break habits. Particularly behaviours associated with negative emotions, such as calorie counting, weight checking and body checking. Even a small difference in weight can have a knock on effect on mood - or someone in the office talking about calories or a newfangled diet regime (coinciding their chitchat around lunchtime). This kind of information can make things hard, especially if hormones are running high, or you've had a bad day.
So, this is why I see recovery as a battle. It's not straightforward like taking some medication and you're better. You need to learn ways of negotiating tricky passages; like other people's stressy behaviour.
But it gets easier. This morning my weight went up at the GP. It was perhaps higher than I'd have anticipated. I never eat before being weighed, and knew I needed to have breakfast afterwards. I took a time out afterwards before going to work, and problem solved why it was a little higher and allowed myself breakfast. I also factored in the fact that I have never been weighed on these scales before and of course unlike at home when I weigh myself, I had clothes on. *I weigh myself weekly.
Dinner was a little harder today, because I stupidly decided to check my scales out of anxiety, to compare the two weights. Again, I needed to problem solve reminding myself that I have eaten and drunk today, and that my weight is always higher (retain water more) at my time of the month.
Needless to say, I managed a nice homecooked curry this evening, although it was probably lacking on the carbohydrate front (mostly due to the fact that I fancied curry and didn't have the right carb ingredients, but also because I didn't really feel up to pushing myself).
So in answer to your question this is me now. There are daily battles, but even a few months back, I wouldn't have bothered with dinner after a day like today.
I think it also helps that a couple of my good friends are really struggling right now. One has just been sectioned, another has been on a 6 month section and another is in a real state with multiple mental health issues.
I find their difficulties motivate me not to end up back in that place again because it is a horrible place.
Hope that helps, recovery is possible.
That will help with the depression. Also, it will help if you allow yourself time to socialise too. Getting sunlight will really make a difference with depression.
Depression is a effect of malnutrition but if you are healthy now it should have gone. If you have continued low mood tell your doctor/ physciatrist and they may advise anti depressant which have really helped me. Hating your body will affect your mood so maybe joining a fun non competitive sports group would help. Recovering from anorexia does involve realising you are worth more than what your body looks like so the more you recover the better you will feel. Keep going forward, best wishes Lily xx please message me anytime if you want to
How are you doing with recovery?
I am attempting to recover and i have good days and bad days. On the bad dyas i just want ot hide away and hurt myself!! is this a normal feeling?
Recovery is soooo much harder than i though it would b
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